At long last, it's time for Ashley to decide between JP and Ben! Here are my tweets from that epic night.
I'm 30 min behind. Thank god for DVR.
The sister is gonna stir some shit up. I'm excited.
JP is super shaved. Purrrr.
The mom just wants to drink, clearly.
I totally thought the sister was saying that demure thing about Ben.
I mean, Ben is like a walking nap.
JP is being really nice to this bitch.
THE SISTER COMPARED HIM TO BRAD? OUCH.
She is shutting JP down like a crackhouse.
His voice is cracking. *lip quiver*
I hope Ben's date goes worse!
The sister is being waaay easy on Ben
Ben is sweating like a whore on judgement day
Ben looks huge! What has he been doing in fiji? Roids and P90X?
His shorts are so very loud. Scratching my eyes.
"Lubing each other up with mud." My brie is gonna come back up.
“Hoping everything is well received tonight." Gross Ben. Gross.
Did he just. Take her towel off. #DamnJP
This note is cheesier than a dairy farmer's stool. But it's cute.
And Ben didn't get her jack shit.
Ben's hair makes me itchy.
JP leaning on that rail- Gun show.
Ben's ring is better.
Why did she let him propose?
Ashley. You are so bad at this.
Effffffff.
He was not dangerous enough of a choice. I'll pour one out for you Ben.
And the sun is setting! So pretty.
JP is wearing the shit out of this suit.
Waaaaiiiiit a minute. JP’s ring is the biz.com.
Air Supply ftw
After Show. After Show. After Show.
Ashley's family is front row center for this shit?!
Ben showed the most emotion after she rejects him. Wierd.
And he had to go to his best friend's wedding right after? DAAANGG.
"nice ring" That was bitchy, Ben.
I'm too tired to even think about this mess right now.
They better make this shit work is all I gotta say.
I feel dirty watching them kiss. I never feel dirty.
Did someone say BACHELOR PAD STARTING MONDAY AUGUST 8TH?!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
BachelorTweet Theater: The Men Tell All
BACHELORETTE TWEETS ARE NOW COMMENCING.
The mask dude was also a maid? Bonus.
I don't understand why this needs to be 2 hours long.
Every shirt Ashley wears has no back. What the what.
Ames is gonna get some!!! WHAT. #BachelorPad
Ames and Jacki is perfect!!!!
William is such a dick.
Tim seems like a total guido jerk but I am unreasonably attracted to him.
Constantine and Mickey just owned William.
Why is the mask looking so sickly? #sweatyYellowSkin
WILLIAM IS PLUGGING HIS EARS LIKE A TODDLER.
This is so delightfully awkward.
I don't believe William has changed at all. He didn't even admit he set Ben up!
This is not the same without wine.
Ryan is so cat lady desperate. #sad
Ames is makin the panties drop in the studio tonight.
Poor Ames. He was sweeter and more articulate in that clip than on the show.
Chris Harrison has a crush on Ames.
BENTLEY. You make Dick Cheney look like Paula Deen.
AND HE DOESN'T SHOW! Coward piece of shit.
What on earth is Michelle Money wearing? Crop top vest?
The audience reactions are priceless.
I never thought Ashley was stupid or ugly. Just very immature.
Ashley seems like she's single. I'm nervous.
Both men propose! If she breaks JP’s heart I will break her face.
The mask dude was also a maid? Bonus.
I don't understand why this needs to be 2 hours long.
Every shirt Ashley wears has no back. What the what.
Ames is gonna get some!!! WHAT. #BachelorPad
Ames and Jacki is perfect!!!!
William is such a dick.
Tim seems like a total guido jerk but I am unreasonably attracted to him.
Constantine and Mickey just owned William.
Why is the mask looking so sickly? #sweatyYellowSkin
WILLIAM IS PLUGGING HIS EARS LIKE A TODDLER.
This is so delightfully awkward.
I don't believe William has changed at all. He didn't even admit he set Ben up!
This is not the same without wine.
Ryan is so cat lady desperate. #sad
Ames is makin the panties drop in the studio tonight.
Poor Ames. He was sweeter and more articulate in that clip than on the show.
Chris Harrison has a crush on Ames.
BENTLEY. You make Dick Cheney look like Paula Deen.
AND HE DOESN'T SHOW! Coward piece of shit.
What on earth is Michelle Money wearing? Crop top vest?
The audience reactions are priceless.
I never thought Ashley was stupid or ugly. Just very immature.
Ashley seems like she's single. I'm nervous.
Both men propose! If she breaks JP’s heart I will break her face.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
BachelorTweet Theater
As horrible as they are I can't help but love The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The shows combine the stupidity of dating with the arbitrary nature of love/mate selection with a splash of competition for good measure. This season of The Bachelorette has been particularly ridiculous due to Ashley's (The Bachelorette) emotional immaturity (she describes all the guys as sexy studs- vomit) and the mens' lack of attractiveness. Here are my tweets from the past 2 episodes. Join me live this Sunday for the "Men Tell All" episode and next Monday for the finale on twitter @youngwby. Or wait until I post them here like a lame-o.
The Final Four: July 18, 2011
I'm not sure if it's the glass and a half of wine in me, but Constantine is looking kinda cute this week.
HIS TOWN IS CUMMING, GEORGIA? STOP IT.
The gap in Constantine’s dad's teeth is my favorite thing ever.
I'm in love with Constantine's dad. What do I do about this?
OMG MAKIN IT RAIN IN THE HIZZLE! I need to marry a Greek.
Ames’ sister looks JUST like him. WEIRD.
YYECCCHHhhEEEG <---- sound I made when I saw Ames' brother.
Ames' mom looks normal. Is his father Mr. Potato Head?
Aw, his dad's dead. Now I feel bad. #RIPMrPotatoHead
AMES? UNPOPULAR IN SCHOOL? NO.
Why is Ashley acting like she's never been in a winery before?
I fail to see how Ben's face is different from Constantine's. They both look like re re versions of each other.
Doing laundry and missed Ben's segment. I have a feeling it wasn't that interesting.
He cried about his dad and said he had "feelings" for Ashley. #PredictingWhatIMissed
JP is wearing the shit out of that shirt.
AIR SUPPLY? SHUT UP.
I want to rub my hands/"fill in the blank" over JP's head.
What's the story behind JP's brother's nose?
I want Ashley's dress but in white. #AndtoLoooseaMillionPounds
"I wanna know where Ames came from" BECAUSE HE'S AN ALIEN.
Omg Ash, SEND HOME ONE OF THE RE RE FACED ONES! #TakeYourPick
The Bachelor Pad preview just made me shake with glee. I CAN'T WAIT.
Ames is trying so hard to look normal and failing.
DID HE JUST WINK? WHY IS HE SO WEIRD? #Ames
Oh Ames. So many teeth, so little time. #SeeYouAtTheCrossroads
Down to 3: July 25, 2011 Episode
This "return bachelor" has to be Ryan. I can't imagine Ames doing anything that desperate.
IT'S RYAN. UNLEASH THE CRAZY.
I love that Ashley is looking at Ryan like he's a special ed kid. This is magic.
I don't understand how Ashley's soooo smitten with Ben. He has a primate face/the personality of dry oats.
"I think our life would be very exciting." –Ashley Being on a boat is exciting. BEN IS NOT EXCITING.
"It's been years since I've felt this way" Really, Ben. I can't tell that you're feeling anything at all. #NumbMonkeyFace
I've never been so bored watching a Bachelorette date. Jesus.
Ben, if you actually learned something from Ashley, you have the emotional maturity of a papaya.
"I'm hoping Ben shows me how he feels in the fantasy suite" with his dick. #subtext
"Everything in life to me right now is just clear" LIKE YOUR WATERY ASS PERSONALITY.
Ryan, if you were a woman everyone would think you're desperate/delusional/pathetic. Like I do right now.
I see the helicopter contract from last season got renewed. I swear there was one in every ep of Brad's season
Ok ok ok Constantine is cute, but he is hardly a "Greek God", Ashley.
If Ryan said all he wanted was a lock of Ashley's hair to carry around, I would not be surprised. #psycho
Setting the Charlie's Angels trailer to Ke$ha just ensured that I will never watch that show.
Soooooo looks like Constantine's goin home.
DANG. That is a man right there.
Sigh. Time to bust out the vibe, Ash.
I can taste Ryan's desperation. It tastes like aspirin and white musk.
This Ryan interview set to different music would be super menacing. That is how crazy he sounds.
JP is sexing Ash and he didn't even have to drop the L word?! 500 gangster points.
The Final Four: July 18, 2011
I'm not sure if it's the glass and a half of wine in me, but Constantine is looking kinda cute this week.
HIS TOWN IS CUMMING, GEORGIA? STOP IT.
The gap in Constantine’s dad's teeth is my favorite thing ever.
I'm in love with Constantine's dad. What do I do about this?
OMG MAKIN IT RAIN IN THE HIZZLE! I need to marry a Greek.
Ames’ sister looks JUST like him. WEIRD.
YYECCCHHhhEEEG <---- sound I made when I saw Ames' brother.
Ames' mom looks normal. Is his father Mr. Potato Head?
Aw, his dad's dead. Now I feel bad. #RIPMrPotatoHead
AMES? UNPOPULAR IN SCHOOL? NO.
Why is Ashley acting like she's never been in a winery before?
I fail to see how Ben's face is different from Constantine's. They both look like re re versions of each other.
Doing laundry and missed Ben's segment. I have a feeling it wasn't that interesting.
He cried about his dad and said he had "feelings" for Ashley. #PredictingWhatIMissed
JP is wearing the shit out of that shirt.
AIR SUPPLY? SHUT UP.
I want to rub my hands/"fill in the blank" over JP's head.
What's the story behind JP's brother's nose?
I want Ashley's dress but in white. #AndtoLoooseaMillionPounds
"I wanna know where Ames came from" BECAUSE HE'S AN ALIEN.
Omg Ash, SEND HOME ONE OF THE RE RE FACED ONES! #TakeYourPick
The Bachelor Pad preview just made me shake with glee. I CAN'T WAIT.
Ames is trying so hard to look normal and failing.
DID HE JUST WINK? WHY IS HE SO WEIRD? #Ames
Oh Ames. So many teeth, so little time. #SeeYouAtTheCrossroads
Down to 3: July 25, 2011 Episode
This "return bachelor" has to be Ryan. I can't imagine Ames doing anything that desperate.
IT'S RYAN. UNLEASH THE CRAZY.
I love that Ashley is looking at Ryan like he's a special ed kid. This is magic.
I don't understand how Ashley's soooo smitten with Ben. He has a primate face/the personality of dry oats.
"I think our life would be very exciting." –Ashley Being on a boat is exciting. BEN IS NOT EXCITING.
"It's been years since I've felt this way" Really, Ben. I can't tell that you're feeling anything at all. #NumbMonkeyFace
I've never been so bored watching a Bachelorette date. Jesus.
Ben, if you actually learned something from Ashley, you have the emotional maturity of a papaya.
"I'm hoping Ben shows me how he feels in the fantasy suite" with his dick. #subtext
"Everything in life to me right now is just clear" LIKE YOUR WATERY ASS PERSONALITY.
Ryan, if you were a woman everyone would think you're desperate/delusional/pathetic. Like I do right now.
I see the helicopter contract from last season got renewed. I swear there was one in every ep of Brad's season
Ok ok ok Constantine is cute, but he is hardly a "Greek God", Ashley.
If Ryan said all he wanted was a lock of Ashley's hair to carry around, I would not be surprised. #psycho
Setting the Charlie's Angels trailer to Ke$ha just ensured that I will never watch that show.
Soooooo looks like Constantine's goin home.
DANG. That is a man right there.
Sigh. Time to bust out the vibe, Ash.
I can taste Ryan's desperation. It tastes like aspirin and white musk.
This Ryan interview set to different music would be super menacing. That is how crazy he sounds.
JP is sexing Ash and he didn't even have to drop the L word?! 500 gangster points.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Bachelorette- Ep 7: TAIWAN DOES NOT PLAY AROUND
PREVIEWS:
Emily!!!
Time for some Taiwan love!!
Don't you dare wink at the camera, JP. You are excused (to my room!).
Fail for wearing sweats, FRASIERAMES. I didn't even know you owned a pair. I thought you worked out in three-piece suits.
Chris! Laying down the rules! THREE ONE-on-ONE dates! pressures on for whomever gets the group dates. put on your jock straps, this is gonna get rough.
JP. JP. JP. EXTREME want.
These commercials with Emily are stressing me out.
Wardrobe moment: There are very few places where you can't where heels. Trust. Also: Ash and the backless shirts. Stop that. America knows you have no bra on. Congrats.
Constantine tells us he comes from a family that's big on tradition. Then he flashes his biceps and he Honor of European Unification Medal. Ash and Constantine paint a lantern, blahblahblah. Camera cuts to Guys back at the hotel. Ben gets the date! SOLARRYAN's starting to crack. If JP and Lucas end up no a date: Lucas is going home.
Back to Constantine. He lives in Alabama. No one is really addresses the logistics of Ash living in the Northeast and Constantine living in the South/in his European castle. Set members *may or may not be* releasing several love/flame wishy-things for extra tv effect.
ASH & BEN'S Date:
SO far, a lot gf greenery and Ash squealing. They're also on a scooterbike.
Cut back to guys in the house. Ugh, SOLARYRYAN got the last one-on-one date. JP, FRASIERAMES, and Lucas are on the group date. Lucas is going home.
Ben's falling in love with Ash. Ash keeps bringing up the wine Ben brought her on the first date. Ben spends dinner trying to tell Ash he loves her but without saying he loves her. I think the fact that he looks too much like Josh Grobin throws me off. I'm not sure where this dinner is at, but the pool is HUGE.
GROUP DATE!
Cut back to the guys at the house. Shock and rage over Ben not coming back home after the date. JP looks murderous. My attraction soars. 24-hour Ben returns. JP walks out of the room.
+500 points for the awesome nude-colored shoes, Ash.
I think JP and Constantine share shirts. I don't mind.
FRASIERAMES' frill-lovers-anonymous suit is LEGIT. JP gets the tux. Ash changes her hair and dress. Lucas in traditional Taiwanese wear kisses Ash. JP's head begins to steam. Don't even know if FRASIERAMES took photos. Ash punches JP in the arm. Any wedding-based activity for a date is a BAD idea, Ash.
Ash pulls aside Lucas first at the night-group date. She starts asking the tough questions. Compared to her "serious" conversations with Bwad, I'm REALLY proud.
Cut to Guys at the house for SOLARRYAN's date... Ben reads the date card, SOLARRYAN is so excited, he builds a self-sustainable farm in the back yard of the house they're in (kidding?).
Back to Group Date Shenans. TEEN AMES IS ADORBS. MAN AMES WEARS PINK PANTS.
JP recaps his struggles through Asia. JP puts it all out on the line. Ash leaves to grab the rose. JP doesn't know for a bit. JP's GETS THE HOMETOWN ROSE ON THE GROUP DATE, Y'ALL. Fact: a little bit of jealousy, when done correctly and in small doses, can get you a rose, guys.
ASH & RYAN's ONE-on-ONE:
Ash's shirt has no back. I cannot figure out the mathematics supporting this shirt. SOLARRYAN's shirt is very pink. Which leads me to think that the guys had a meeting and decided pink was the color of the week. SOLARRYAN thinks the threat of no rose means he's a sure bet. This seems somewhat foreboding.
Ash and SOLARRYAN do some traditional wishing activity, the rocks tell them their wish won't come true. Ash wishes she knew more about Tai Chi. AMES COULD TELL YOU, ASH. AMES WOULD KNOW. SOLARRYAN gets real excited about the sun coming out. Ryan has little to say outside of how happy/excited he is. Ash has clocked out. Yikes. This may get super SOLAR awkward.
I think Ryan maybe on a different page from Ash. He's in heaven, she's mentally creating outfits for next week. SOLARRYAN asks some environmental questions. Ash tells a story about a previous boyfriend and recycling. Ash asks Ryan to teach her something- he TALKS ABOUT WATER HEATERS. Not. A. Joke. I can already see this playing on loop on the Soup. Ouch. Also: way to miss a moment to step it up, Ryan!
Ash bravely pushes forward and starts asking some family questions, Ryan doesn't really answer or give much substance in his answer. Ash shuts down. SOLARRYAN is, naturally, blindsided. Sad news doesn't register well with him. It's not sunny enough. Ash is letting him go on the spot. Props for not even waiting for the rose ceremony. Why waste time? Ryan tries not to lose it. Hugs, and cue sad camera confessional. Ryan loses it. Tears and f-bombs ensue. No plants were harmed. Some weird Blair Witch Camera shooting is going on with Ryan's face. SOLARRYAN walks through the streets of Taiwan alone. Probably gauging the efficiency of the water heaters he passes.
ROSE CEREMONY:
AMES should definitely be a tv reporter. He should probably report on the weather. He'd be calm while standing 20 feet away from a tornado. In lieu of commercials, he could tell us the entrie history of tornadoes on earth.
Ash once again opts to forego the cocktail party. When she means business, she means business.
Camera cuts to the guys. Lucas wants to talk to her during the cocktail party. Naturally, Chris enters to say there will be no cocktail party. Time for the roses.
Only one goes home. JP has a rose, so.... I'm more concerned about Constantine's choice for a shirt. Lucas is sweating after Ben gets called. ABC drags out the tribal music for way too long. Ash picks AMES! The South does not rise again. Sorry, Lucas.
LUCAS KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MATTHEW MCCAUNAGHEY/however you spell his name.
Ash is crying to the cameras about hoping she made the right decisions. I'm waiting for the EMILY special. I hope Chris sets Em up with West. HOW HAS THIS NOT ALREADY HAPPENED?!
******
EMILY TELLS ALL. My heart is already breaking a little.
EM is already crying. They haven't even entered the house. This is going to be tough. On a side note, I wonder how tall her shoes are.
"Nor will I tolerate anyone else saying anything bad about him." Em will cut you. Also; +1,000 Kate Middleton life points for showing America how to sit in a short skirt like a lady, Em.
IT WAS A FAIRY TALE!!!!
BWAD sends his blessing!! Oh, Em. Always a lady.
I think Chris wanted Bwad and Em to work out more than anyone! ABC's track record still hinges on Trista and Ryan.
PREVIEWS:
HOMETOWNS ARE COMING!!!
Holy crap this was overwhelming!
Emily!!!
Time for some Taiwan love!!
Don't you dare wink at the camera, JP. You are excused (to my room!).
Fail for wearing sweats, FRASIERAMES. I didn't even know you owned a pair. I thought you worked out in three-piece suits.
Chris! Laying down the rules! THREE ONE-on-ONE dates! pressures on for whomever gets the group dates. put on your jock straps, this is gonna get rough.
JP. JP. JP. EXTREME want.
These commercials with Emily are stressing me out.
Wardrobe moment: There are very few places where you can't where heels. Trust. Also: Ash and the backless shirts. Stop that. America knows you have no bra on. Congrats.
Constantine tells us he comes from a family that's big on tradition. Then he flashes his biceps and he Honor of European Unification Medal. Ash and Constantine paint a lantern, blahblahblah. Camera cuts to Guys back at the hotel. Ben gets the date! SOLARRYAN's starting to crack. If JP and Lucas end up no a date: Lucas is going home.
Back to Constantine. He lives in Alabama. No one is really addresses the logistics of Ash living in the Northeast and Constantine living in the South/in his European castle. Set members *may or may not be* releasing several love/flame wishy-things for extra tv effect.
ASH & BEN'S Date:
SO far, a lot gf greenery and Ash squealing. They're also on a scooterbike.
Cut back to guys in the house. Ugh, SOLARYRYAN got the last one-on-one date. JP, FRASIERAMES, and Lucas are on the group date. Lucas is going home.
Ben's falling in love with Ash. Ash keeps bringing up the wine Ben brought her on the first date. Ben spends dinner trying to tell Ash he loves her but without saying he loves her. I think the fact that he looks too much like Josh Grobin throws me off. I'm not sure where this dinner is at, but the pool is HUGE.
GROUP DATE!
Cut back to the guys at the house. Shock and rage over Ben not coming back home after the date. JP looks murderous. My attraction soars. 24-hour Ben returns. JP walks out of the room.
+500 points for the awesome nude-colored shoes, Ash.
I think JP and Constantine share shirts. I don't mind.
FRASIERAMES' frill-lovers-anonymous suit is LEGIT. JP gets the tux. Ash changes her hair and dress. Lucas in traditional Taiwanese wear kisses Ash. JP's head begins to steam. Don't even know if FRASIERAMES took photos. Ash punches JP in the arm. Any wedding-based activity for a date is a BAD idea, Ash.
Ash pulls aside Lucas first at the night-group date. She starts asking the tough questions. Compared to her "serious" conversations with Bwad, I'm REALLY proud.
Cut to Guys at the house for SOLARRYAN's date... Ben reads the date card, SOLARRYAN is so excited, he builds a self-sustainable farm in the back yard of the house they're in (kidding?).
Back to Group Date Shenans. TEEN AMES IS ADORBS. MAN AMES WEARS PINK PANTS.
JP recaps his struggles through Asia. JP puts it all out on the line. Ash leaves to grab the rose. JP doesn't know for a bit. JP's GETS THE HOMETOWN ROSE ON THE GROUP DATE, Y'ALL. Fact: a little bit of jealousy, when done correctly and in small doses, can get you a rose, guys.
ASH & RYAN's ONE-on-ONE:
Ash's shirt has no back. I cannot figure out the mathematics supporting this shirt. SOLARRYAN's shirt is very pink. Which leads me to think that the guys had a meeting and decided pink was the color of the week. SOLARRYAN thinks the threat of no rose means he's a sure bet. This seems somewhat foreboding.
Ash and SOLARRYAN do some traditional wishing activity, the rocks tell them their wish won't come true. Ash wishes she knew more about Tai Chi. AMES COULD TELL YOU, ASH. AMES WOULD KNOW. SOLARRYAN gets real excited about the sun coming out. Ryan has little to say outside of how happy/excited he is. Ash has clocked out. Yikes. This may get super SOLAR awkward.
I think Ryan maybe on a different page from Ash. He's in heaven, she's mentally creating outfits for next week. SOLARRYAN asks some environmental questions. Ash tells a story about a previous boyfriend and recycling. Ash asks Ryan to teach her something- he TALKS ABOUT WATER HEATERS. Not. A. Joke. I can already see this playing on loop on the Soup. Ouch. Also: way to miss a moment to step it up, Ryan!
Ash bravely pushes forward and starts asking some family questions, Ryan doesn't really answer or give much substance in his answer. Ash shuts down. SOLARRYAN is, naturally, blindsided. Sad news doesn't register well with him. It's not sunny enough. Ash is letting him go on the spot. Props for not even waiting for the rose ceremony. Why waste time? Ryan tries not to lose it. Hugs, and cue sad camera confessional. Ryan loses it. Tears and f-bombs ensue. No plants were harmed. Some weird Blair Witch Camera shooting is going on with Ryan's face. SOLARRYAN walks through the streets of Taiwan alone. Probably gauging the efficiency of the water heaters he passes.
ROSE CEREMONY:
AMES should definitely be a tv reporter. He should probably report on the weather. He'd be calm while standing 20 feet away from a tornado. In lieu of commercials, he could tell us the entrie history of tornadoes on earth.
Ash once again opts to forego the cocktail party. When she means business, she means business.
Camera cuts to the guys. Lucas wants to talk to her during the cocktail party. Naturally, Chris enters to say there will be no cocktail party. Time for the roses.
Only one goes home. JP has a rose, so.... I'm more concerned about Constantine's choice for a shirt. Lucas is sweating after Ben gets called. ABC drags out the tribal music for way too long. Ash picks AMES! The South does not rise again. Sorry, Lucas.
LUCAS KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MATTHEW MCCAUNAGHEY/however you spell his name.
Ash is crying to the cameras about hoping she made the right decisions. I'm waiting for the EMILY special. I hope Chris sets Em up with West. HOW HAS THIS NOT ALREADY HAPPENED?!
******
EMILY TELLS ALL. My heart is already breaking a little.
EM is already crying. They haven't even entered the house. This is going to be tough. On a side note, I wonder how tall her shoes are.
"Nor will I tolerate anyone else saying anything bad about him." Em will cut you. Also; +1,000 Kate Middleton life points for showing America how to sit in a short skirt like a lady, Em.
IT WAS A FAIRY TALE!!!!
BWAD sends his blessing!! Oh, Em. Always a lady.
I think Chris wanted Bwad and Em to work out more than anyone! ABC's track record still hinges on Trista and Ryan.
PREVIEWS:
HOMETOWNS ARE COMING!!!
Holy crap this was overwhelming!
The Bachelorette- Ep. 6: MUST SEE TV
I'm sold on taking a tour of Asia. Got it, ABC. GOT THE MEMO.
Chris! Pull it together Ashley! Pull it together, you've got business to attend to.
THE SHOWDOWN:
OH! I have an idea of something fun: let's stare at the notepad with Bents' room number on it for a really long time.
You can do it, Ash! Knock down that door! Ugh, Bentley. Don't let him be vague, Ash. Lock this down. Dang, Ash just SHUT.IT.DOWN.
Shortest one-on-one dates summary ever:
FIRST KISS, FIRST DANCE, ROSE! Knock 'em down, Texas Lucas. Knock 'em down.
Group Date time!
I'm rooting for Ben & Constantine because of the bandana on Ben's head. I don't need much convincing. I can, however, appreciate Mickey & FRASIERAMES's tactic. KIMONOS! This can only end well. This race is serious. Team Red Dragon is not on the ball. Mickey and FRASIERAMES WIN!
Beach engagement! Adorbs!
Ashley looks so much happier/better.
I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR FRASIERAMES TO MAKE A MOVE. My jaw is on the floor.
Blahblahblah, everyone hates Ryan, which means he'll get the rose. Done.
Date with JP. Ash drops the B-bomb. Jordan Paul don't care; he carries rocks and buildings all day. Rose. Train ride. PDA. FOREARMS. Gratuitous scenery shot. Done. JP plays for keeps.
Still undecided about Ash's nail polish selection.
Ash LOVES her some short, sparkly dresses.
**ASH TELLS ALL ABOUT BENTS:
SPOILER ALERT: every time Ash says "it's gonna be great," that means THINGS ARE GOING TO GO REAL, REAL BAD.
Ash tells all. SILENCE. And cue the questions. Southern gentleman Lucas AIN'T happy. I guess these questions are fair, but again, JP plays for keeps. At least Ash told the guys. They could have found out when the show aired. And cue SuperSolar Creepy Ryan. THEOLOGY & FRASIERAMES!! Dropping some words of wisdom. (N.B.: that floating house that they're on has A LOT of lighting going on. Holy smokes.).
One commercial break later, Lucas is still going on about the ghost of Bents. RYAN REYNOLDS/BLAKE! I think the threat of being sent home on national tv makes everyone real honest upfront. MICKEY tamed his hair. MICKEY peaced out! I mean, it's not like Bents is there! I'd rather craycray Ryan or pouty Lucas leave. What happened to the days when the guys would stay until they were kicked out?! Wimps.
POWERCHECK EVERYONE, JP.
Ashley crying, Chris is trying to rally her and get her to get her mind back in the game.. Ash puts Mickey's picture face down. Super dramatic.
**********
ROSE CEREMONY:
Take a shot-to-this-phrase of the season: "Move Forward."
BEN/JGrobes is in. Constantine the Great is in. I think FRASIERAMES STAYS. He HAS too.
FINAL ROSE GOES TO:
FRASIERAMES IS IN. Sorries, Ryan Reynolds/Blake. Probably shouldn't have blown up at Ash- especially having not had any one-on-one dates. At least you left with some dignity. The same can't be said for that guy who got sent home drunk before the very first rose ceremony.
MORE MOVING FORWARD! DRINKS! Off to TAIWAN!
PREVIEWS:
WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THIS COMING BACK ON THE SHOW AFTER BEING KICKED OFF?! This show is not following the format! There is a format for a reason!
There is a lot of crying left to go in this season. Yikes, Ash. Yikes.
Chris! Pull it together Ashley! Pull it together, you've got business to attend to.
THE SHOWDOWN:
OH! I have an idea of something fun: let's stare at the notepad with Bents' room number on it for a really long time.
You can do it, Ash! Knock down that door! Ugh, Bentley. Don't let him be vague, Ash. Lock this down. Dang, Ash just SHUT.IT.DOWN.
Shortest one-on-one dates summary ever:
FIRST KISS, FIRST DANCE, ROSE! Knock 'em down, Texas Lucas. Knock 'em down.
Group Date time!
I'm rooting for Ben & Constantine because of the bandana on Ben's head. I don't need much convincing. I can, however, appreciate Mickey & FRASIERAMES's tactic. KIMONOS! This can only end well. This race is serious. Team Red Dragon is not on the ball. Mickey and FRASIERAMES WIN!
Beach engagement! Adorbs!
Ashley looks so much happier/better.
I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR FRASIERAMES TO MAKE A MOVE. My jaw is on the floor.
Blahblahblah, everyone hates Ryan, which means he'll get the rose. Done.
Date with JP. Ash drops the B-bomb. Jordan Paul don't care; he carries rocks and buildings all day. Rose. Train ride. PDA. FOREARMS. Gratuitous scenery shot. Done. JP plays for keeps.
Still undecided about Ash's nail polish selection.
Ash LOVES her some short, sparkly dresses.
**ASH TELLS ALL ABOUT BENTS:
SPOILER ALERT: every time Ash says "it's gonna be great," that means THINGS ARE GOING TO GO REAL, REAL BAD.
Ash tells all. SILENCE. And cue the questions. Southern gentleman Lucas AIN'T happy. I guess these questions are fair, but again, JP plays for keeps. At least Ash told the guys. They could have found out when the show aired. And cue SuperSolar Creepy Ryan. THEOLOGY & FRASIERAMES!! Dropping some words of wisdom. (N.B.: that floating house that they're on has A LOT of lighting going on. Holy smokes.).
One commercial break later, Lucas is still going on about the ghost of Bents. RYAN REYNOLDS/BLAKE! I think the threat of being sent home on national tv makes everyone real honest upfront. MICKEY tamed his hair. MICKEY peaced out! I mean, it's not like Bents is there! I'd rather craycray Ryan or pouty Lucas leave. What happened to the days when the guys would stay until they were kicked out?! Wimps.
POWERCHECK EVERYONE, JP.
Ashley crying, Chris is trying to rally her and get her to get her mind back in the game.. Ash puts Mickey's picture face down. Super dramatic.
**********
ROSE CEREMONY:
Take a shot-to-this-phrase of the season: "Move Forward."
BEN/JGrobes is in. Constantine the Great is in. I think FRASIERAMES STAYS. He HAS too.
FINAL ROSE GOES TO:
FRASIERAMES IS IN. Sorries, Ryan Reynolds/Blake. Probably shouldn't have blown up at Ash- especially having not had any one-on-one dates. At least you left with some dignity. The same can't be said for that guy who got sent home drunk before the very first rose ceremony.
MORE MOVING FORWARD! DRINKS! Off to TAIWAN!
PREVIEWS:
WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THIS COMING BACK ON THE SHOW AFTER BEING KICKED OFF?! This show is not following the format! There is a format for a reason!
There is a lot of crying left to go in this season. Yikes, Ash. Yikes.
The Bachelorette- Ep. 5: Fights and Fun in Thailand (or: Nice Guys Do Not Always Finish Last)
Thank you, FRASIERAMES for the history lesson on Chiang Mai.
HOLY CRAP the guys' hotel is amaymay. Also: EXCELLENT lighting.
Is Mickey wearing sweats in front of the statues?!?! OH. NO.
WALK THAT CAT WALK, Ash. WALK THAT CATWALK.
TWO-on-ONE DATES?! THIS MEANS IT'S GETTING REAL, Yo.
Ben F/C/dark-haried Ben's got a date!
Ben's date is like Constantine's- casual, spontaneous, and so far, perfect.
MENTAL KISS. Adorbs
Does the "Bachelor/Bachelorette" share set decorators with Grey's Anatomy?
Ben F is kind of adorable. Not in the traditional physical sense, but he seems legit.
WHO'S GOING ON THE 2-ON-1?! BEN C. AND AT&T/Wills!!!!! This will be intense. I am pumped.
WOMEN/FIRE/MUSIC/DANCING! Ben F's date is crazy pockets.
I'm ready for AT&T/Wills to go home. Like now.
LUCAS, What street fights have you been in?!
FRASIERAMES, I am beyond excited for you and any combat sport. I believe in you. It takes a secure man to rock pink satin shorts in public. Points for FRASIERAMES.
Blake & Lucas- this is gonna get real ugly real fast.
Mickey & JP! Please don't hurt JP or ruin his face.
OMG JP IS JEWISH?! Lust factor-o-meter just exploded. I cannot watch this show anymore. Please kick off JP so then I can date him, Ash. Thanks.
Again, Lucas- WHO have you been fighting?!
OH NO. FRAISERAMES AND SOLARRYAN. FRASIERAMES kinda has the look that Dwight had on "The Office" when he got a concussions. AMES!!!
Didn't even notice the last fight. Is FRASIERAMES ok?!?!?!
Ugh, Ryan. This is your fault.
FRASIERAMES!!! EVERYONE REJOICE! "I usually can't speak to her because she's beautiful, but today I can't speak to her because my head is not working." OK, AMES WIN.
UGh, AT&T/Wills go home.
I never knew a golf lesson could be so hot. SCORE FOR ASH AND LUCAS.
Blahblahblah, Cheers to FRASIERAMES for surviving his first fight! Now let's get some 2-on-1 date action!
AT&T/Wills is kinda creepy. When you start out a sentence with "I'm not throwing the guy under the bus," means that you're throwing the guy under the bus. AT&T/WIlls you have a younger mind. Don't play mind games. Go home.
WOW. Ash, just sent him home immediately!?! Holy. Crap. DANG WILLIAM. You have to know karma will bite you hard for that.
ASH is cutting to the point. "I am looking for a man." Yup. Good call on getting rid of AT&T/Wills, Ash. You don't want to get with someone who "is going back to nothing." Not a good place to be.
Why did you have to burn the rose, Ash? C'mon now. That's just destructive. I hope you didn't learn that from Jeff/Phantom.
I'm torn. On the one hand, I feel like SOLARRYAN is real, on the other hand, he creeps me out.
HI JP.
Ashley, I want to slap you. Please stop with the Bentley stuff. Thanksies.
CHRIS! Chris, bringing the knowledge.
Ash, you should take some tums for all these stomach problems. Just saying.
ROSE CEREMONY:
This dramatic pausing needs to be cut in half.
FRASIERAMES WORE A THREE-PIECE SUIT. UNREQUIRED FANCINESS IS THE SEXIEST THING EVER. I just blacked out in attraction.
UGH. Not Ryan. Sorries, Nick. See you on the flip side. On the other hand, you seem much older than 26 and that's not a bad thing.
Up next: Hong Kong! And the ghost of Bentley pops up again.
HOLY CRAP the guys' hotel is amaymay. Also: EXCELLENT lighting.
Is Mickey wearing sweats in front of the statues?!?! OH. NO.
WALK THAT CAT WALK, Ash. WALK THAT CATWALK.
TWO-on-ONE DATES?! THIS MEANS IT'S GETTING REAL, Yo.
Ben F/C/dark-haried Ben's got a date!
Ben's date is like Constantine's- casual, spontaneous, and so far, perfect.
MENTAL KISS. Adorbs
Does the "Bachelor/Bachelorette" share set decorators with Grey's Anatomy?
Ben F is kind of adorable. Not in the traditional physical sense, but he seems legit.
WHO'S GOING ON THE 2-ON-1?! BEN C. AND AT&T/Wills!!!!! This will be intense. I am pumped.
WOMEN/FIRE/MUSIC/DANCING! Ben F's date is crazy pockets.
I'm ready for AT&T/Wills to go home. Like now.
LUCAS, What street fights have you been in?!
FRASIERAMES, I am beyond excited for you and any combat sport. I believe in you. It takes a secure man to rock pink satin shorts in public. Points for FRASIERAMES.
Blake & Lucas- this is gonna get real ugly real fast.
Mickey & JP! Please don't hurt JP or ruin his face.
OMG JP IS JEWISH?! Lust factor-o-meter just exploded. I cannot watch this show anymore. Please kick off JP so then I can date him, Ash. Thanks.
Again, Lucas- WHO have you been fighting?!
OH NO. FRAISERAMES AND SOLARRYAN. FRASIERAMES kinda has the look that Dwight had on "The Office" when he got a concussions. AMES!!!
Didn't even notice the last fight. Is FRASIERAMES ok?!?!?!
Ugh, Ryan. This is your fault.
FRASIERAMES!!! EVERYONE REJOICE! "I usually can't speak to her because she's beautiful, but today I can't speak to her because my head is not working." OK, AMES WIN.
UGh, AT&T/Wills go home.
I never knew a golf lesson could be so hot. SCORE FOR ASH AND LUCAS.
Blahblahblah, Cheers to FRASIERAMES for surviving his first fight! Now let's get some 2-on-1 date action!
AT&T/Wills is kinda creepy. When you start out a sentence with "I'm not throwing the guy under the bus," means that you're throwing the guy under the bus. AT&T/WIlls you have a younger mind. Don't play mind games. Go home.
WOW. Ash, just sent him home immediately!?! Holy. Crap. DANG WILLIAM. You have to know karma will bite you hard for that.
ASH is cutting to the point. "I am looking for a man." Yup. Good call on getting rid of AT&T/Wills, Ash. You don't want to get with someone who "is going back to nothing." Not a good place to be.
Why did you have to burn the rose, Ash? C'mon now. That's just destructive. I hope you didn't learn that from Jeff/Phantom.
I'm torn. On the one hand, I feel like SOLARRYAN is real, on the other hand, he creeps me out.
HI JP.
Ashley, I want to slap you. Please stop with the Bentley stuff. Thanksies.
CHRIS! Chris, bringing the knowledge.
Ash, you should take some tums for all these stomach problems. Just saying.
ROSE CEREMONY:
This dramatic pausing needs to be cut in half.
FRASIERAMES WORE A THREE-PIECE SUIT. UNREQUIRED FANCINESS IS THE SEXIEST THING EVER. I just blacked out in attraction.
UGH. Not Ryan. Sorries, Nick. See you on the flip side. On the other hand, you seem much older than 26 and that's not a bad thing.
Up next: Hong Kong! And the ghost of Bentley pops up again.
The Bachelorette- Ep.; Ash Does Asia
What is with this Thailand Tourism interview/girl chat? Oh, ABC.
I like West and FRAISERAMES more and more. They're right, Ash: You gotta rally back! You can do it! Also: YOU. ARE. IN. THAILAND.
CONSTANTINE GOT A DATE! Also: who is he?!
Gratuitous shirtless moment. You're off to a great start, Constantine!
This date is awesome. Rained out dates usually win. Also: I want Ash's sweater.
I like this man on the street! "Don't try to win, and forgive and forget." Hitting us up with some knowledge, Thailand-style.
LUCAS! Another person who needs a one-on-one date. FRASIERAMES. So awkwardly adorable.
Cute, CUTE hair while talking to the cam, Ash.
I don't understand how Constantine's biceps are so big. Maybe it's all those wars he fought in a former life. Constantine also strikes me as a super laid back guy. This could easily go either way.
I LOVE how defensive/protective JP is. Its getting real.
Constantine owns a restaurant! He could hire Mickey, the Chef, and expand the business!
ASH- You PUT those manly men to work. SLOW CLAP.
Oh Ryan. Ben's face is hilarious. BEN! The mural idea is adorable. Ok, time fore tears, happy kids who get really great things= so amazing. ABC WIN.
I am really proud of Ash. I think she's handling juggling all these guys pretty well (Bentley issues aside).
BLAKE LOOKS LIKE RYAN REYNOLDS. One down!
Sometimes I get the feeling that Ryan had a lot of RedBull in the morning. Something about his time with Ash didn't sit well with me.
I really like the combination of "shocked and appalled" in a sentence. Extra impact.
JP OWNED THAT MOMENT. Le sigh.
FRASIERAMES IS GONNA GET SOME TIME! Huzzah!
Oh Ryan... Stealing Ash away right at the moment of suspense. Nope. Really Ryan?! Waste of a moment... Ben F gets the rose!! He was overdue!
OF COURSE YOU'VE BEEN TO PHUKET BEFORE, FRASIERAMES. Thailand was country #58. You have like 40 grad degrees. Cooking school in Thailand at the last minute?! Are you even real?! Adorable. Ash, please kiss him at some point and time. HOLYSMOKESTHISDATEISAWESOME. I have a habit of drowning and even I'd get on a kayak without a life jacket for an island trip in Thailand. Also, again: BLUE.BUTTON.DOWN. Got the memo.
Gratuitous Shirtless moment! Offer accepted.
Way to appreciate FRASIERAMES over Bents, Ash. +500 adulthood points.
Lizard/frog shot was legit. CAMERA WIN.
A floral piece? FRASIERAMES is adorable. And Ash is having good conversations! HI-FIVE! Good job!
I find FRASIERAMES to be rather soothing. Like a nice mug of hot chocolate when you come inside from a cold day. I also kind of love that they didn't kiss on the date.
ASK THOSE TOUGH QUESTIONS, Ash.
Ryan sometimes has that "I'll stalk your house if we breakup" vibe. I'm creeped out. Points to Blake for just laying it out there with Ryan.
I don't really feel like Ryan has said anything really pertinent since the first episode.
ASH! BREAKING RULES!! YES!!
ROSE CEREMONY:
This doesn't bode well for WEst- he's getting a lot of camera time. Nick- dude needs a one-on-one date badly. Speaking of: the guys handle not getting one-on-one dates MUCH better than the women on the "Bachelor."
DANG, I'm sorry West! You and Emily should get together. Power couple.
El fin.
I like West and FRAISERAMES more and more. They're right, Ash: You gotta rally back! You can do it! Also: YOU. ARE. IN. THAILAND.
CONSTANTINE GOT A DATE! Also: who is he?!
Gratuitous shirtless moment. You're off to a great start, Constantine!
This date is awesome. Rained out dates usually win. Also: I want Ash's sweater.
I like this man on the street! "Don't try to win, and forgive and forget." Hitting us up with some knowledge, Thailand-style.
LUCAS! Another person who needs a one-on-one date. FRASIERAMES. So awkwardly adorable.
Cute, CUTE hair while talking to the cam, Ash.
I don't understand how Constantine's biceps are so big. Maybe it's all those wars he fought in a former life. Constantine also strikes me as a super laid back guy. This could easily go either way.
I LOVE how defensive/protective JP is. Its getting real.
Constantine owns a restaurant! He could hire Mickey, the Chef, and expand the business!
ASH- You PUT those manly men to work. SLOW CLAP.
Oh Ryan. Ben's face is hilarious. BEN! The mural idea is adorable. Ok, time fore tears, happy kids who get really great things= so amazing. ABC WIN.
I am really proud of Ash. I think she's handling juggling all these guys pretty well (Bentley issues aside).
BLAKE LOOKS LIKE RYAN REYNOLDS. One down!
Sometimes I get the feeling that Ryan had a lot of RedBull in the morning. Something about his time with Ash didn't sit well with me.
I really like the combination of "shocked and appalled" in a sentence. Extra impact.
JP OWNED THAT MOMENT. Le sigh.
FRASIERAMES IS GONNA GET SOME TIME! Huzzah!
Oh Ryan... Stealing Ash away right at the moment of suspense. Nope. Really Ryan?! Waste of a moment... Ben F gets the rose!! He was overdue!
OF COURSE YOU'VE BEEN TO PHUKET BEFORE, FRASIERAMES. Thailand was country #58. You have like 40 grad degrees. Cooking school in Thailand at the last minute?! Are you even real?! Adorable. Ash, please kiss him at some point and time. HOLYSMOKESTHISDATEISAWESOME. I have a habit of drowning and even I'd get on a kayak without a life jacket for an island trip in Thailand. Also, again: BLUE.BUTTON.DOWN. Got the memo.
Gratuitous Shirtless moment! Offer accepted.
Way to appreciate FRASIERAMES over Bents, Ash. +500 adulthood points.
Lizard/frog shot was legit. CAMERA WIN.
A floral piece? FRASIERAMES is adorable. And Ash is having good conversations! HI-FIVE! Good job!
I find FRASIERAMES to be rather soothing. Like a nice mug of hot chocolate when you come inside from a cold day. I also kind of love that they didn't kiss on the date.
ASK THOSE TOUGH QUESTIONS, Ash.
Ryan sometimes has that "I'll stalk your house if we breakup" vibe. I'm creeped out. Points to Blake for just laying it out there with Ryan.
I don't really feel like Ryan has said anything really pertinent since the first episode.
ASH! BREAKING RULES!! YES!!
ROSE CEREMONY:
This doesn't bode well for WEst- he's getting a lot of camera time. Nick- dude needs a one-on-one date badly. Speaking of: the guys handle not getting one-on-one dates MUCH better than the women on the "Bachelor."
DANG, I'm sorry West! You and Emily should get together. Power couple.
El fin.
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