The Bachelorette- Ep 7: TAIWAN DOES NOT PLAY AROUND

PREVIEWS:

Emily!!!

Time for some Taiwan love!!

Don't you dare wink at the camera, JP. You are excused (to my room!).

Fail for wearing sweats, FRASIERAMES. I didn't even know you owned a pair. I thought you worked out in three-piece suits.

Chris! Laying down the rules! THREE ONE-on-ONE dates! pressures on for whomever gets the group dates. put on your jock straps, this is gonna get rough.

JP. JP. JP. EXTREME want.

These commercials with Emily are stressing me out.

Wardrobe moment: There are very few places where you can't where heels. Trust. Also: Ash and the backless shirts. Stop that. America knows you have no bra on. Congrats.

Constantine tells us he comes from a family that's big on tradition. Then he flashes his biceps and he Honor of European Unification Medal. Ash and Constantine paint a lantern, blahblahblah. Camera cuts to Guys back at the hotel. Ben gets the date! SOLARRYAN's starting to crack. If JP and Lucas end up no a date: Lucas is going home.

Back to Constantine. He lives in Alabama. No one is really addresses the logistics of Ash living in the Northeast and Constantine living in the South/in his European castle. Set members *may or may not be* releasing several love/flame wishy-things for extra tv effect.

ASH & BEN'S Date:

SO far, a lot gf greenery and Ash squealing. They're also on a scooterbike.

Cut back to guys in the house. Ugh, SOLARYRYAN got the last one-on-one date. JP, FRASIERAMES, and Lucas are on the group date. Lucas is going home.

Ben's falling in love with Ash. Ash keeps bringing up the wine Ben brought her on the first date. Ben spends dinner trying to tell Ash he loves her but without saying he loves her. I think the fact that he looks too much like Josh Grobin throws me off. I'm not sure where this dinner is at, but the pool is HUGE.

GROUP DATE!

Cut back to the guys at the house. Shock and rage over Ben not coming back home after the date. JP looks murderous. My attraction soars. 24-hour Ben returns. JP walks out of the room.

+500 points for the awesome nude-colored shoes, Ash.

I think JP and Constantine share shirts. I don't mind.

FRASIERAMES' frill-lovers-anonymous suit is LEGIT. JP gets the tux. Ash changes her hair and dress. Lucas in traditional Taiwanese wear kisses Ash. JP's head begins to steam. Don't even know if FRASIERAMES took photos. Ash punches JP in the arm. Any wedding-based activity for a date is a BAD idea, Ash.

Ash pulls aside Lucas first at the night-group date. She starts asking the tough questions. Compared to her "serious" conversations with Bwad, I'm REALLY proud.

Cut to Guys at the house for SOLARRYAN's date... Ben reads the date card, SOLARRYAN is so excited, he builds a self-sustainable farm in the back yard of the house they're in (kidding?).

Back to Group Date Shenans. TEEN AMES IS ADORBS. MAN AMES WEARS PINK PANTS.

JP recaps his struggles through Asia. JP puts it all out on the line. Ash leaves to grab the rose. JP doesn't know for a bit. JP's GETS THE HOMETOWN ROSE ON THE GROUP DATE, Y'ALL. Fact: a little bit of jealousy, when done correctly and in small doses, can get you a rose, guys.

ASH & RYAN's ONE-on-ONE:

Ash's shirt has no back. I cannot figure out the mathematics supporting this shirt. SOLARRYAN's shirt is very pink. Which leads me to think that the guys had a meeting and decided pink was the color of the week. SOLARRYAN thinks the threat of no rose means he's a sure bet. This seems somewhat foreboding.

Ash and SOLARRYAN do some traditional wishing activity, the rocks tell them their wish won't come true. Ash wishes she knew more about Tai Chi. AMES COULD TELL YOU, ASH. AMES WOULD KNOW. SOLARRYAN gets real excited about the sun coming out. Ryan has little to say outside of how happy/excited he is. Ash has clocked out. Yikes. This may get super SOLAR awkward.

I think Ryan maybe on a different page from Ash. He's in heaven, she's mentally creating outfits for next week. SOLARRYAN asks some environmental questions. Ash tells a story about a previous boyfriend and recycling. Ash asks Ryan to teach her something- he TALKS ABOUT WATER HEATERS. Not. A. Joke. I can already see this playing on loop on the Soup. Ouch. Also: way to miss a moment to step it up, Ryan!

Ash bravely pushes forward and starts asking some family questions, Ryan doesn't really answer or give much substance in his answer. Ash shuts down. SOLARRYAN is, naturally, blindsided. Sad news doesn't register well with him. It's not sunny enough. Ash is letting him go on the spot. Props for not even waiting for the rose ceremony. Why waste time? Ryan tries not to lose it. Hugs, and cue sad camera confessional. Ryan loses it. Tears and f-bombs ensue. No plants were harmed. Some weird Blair Witch Camera shooting is going on with Ryan's face. SOLARRYAN walks through the streets of Taiwan alone. Probably gauging the efficiency of the water heaters he passes.

ROSE CEREMONY:

AMES should definitely be a tv reporter. He should probably report on the weather. He'd be calm while standing 20 feet away from a tornado. In lieu of commercials, he could tell us the entrie history of tornadoes on earth.

Ash once again opts to forego the cocktail party. When she means business, she means business.

Camera cuts to the guys. Lucas wants to talk to her during the cocktail party. Naturally, Chris enters to say there will be no cocktail party. Time for the roses.

Only one goes home. JP has a rose, so.... I'm more concerned about Constantine's choice for a shirt. Lucas is sweating after Ben gets called. ABC drags out the tribal music for way too long. Ash picks AMES! The South does not rise again. Sorry, Lucas.

LUCAS KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MATTHEW MCCAUNAGHEY/however you spell his name.

Ash is crying to the cameras about hoping she made the right decisions. I'm waiting for the EMILY special. I hope Chris sets Em up with West. HOW HAS THIS NOT ALREADY HAPPENED?!

******

EMILY TELLS ALL. My heart is already breaking a little.

EM is already crying. They haven't even entered the house. This is going to be tough. On a side note, I wonder how tall her shoes are.

"Nor will I tolerate anyone else saying anything bad about him." Em will cut you. Also; +1,000 Kate Middleton life points for showing America how to sit in a short skirt like a lady, Em.

IT WAS A FAIRY TALE!!!!

BWAD sends his blessing!! Oh, Em. Always a lady.

I think Chris wanted Bwad and Em to work out more than anyone! ABC's track record still hinges on Trista and Ryan.

PREVIEWS:

HOMETOWNS ARE COMING!!!

Holy crap this was overwhelming!