Trailer of Life

BachelorTweet Theater: The Finale!

2011-08-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

At long last, it's time for Ashley to decide between JP and Ben! Here are my tweets from that epic night.

I'm 30 min behind. Thank god for DVR.

The sister is gonna stir some shit up. I'm excited.

JP is super shaved. Purrrr.

The mom just wants to drink, clearly.

I totally thought the sister was saying that demure thing about Ben.

I mean, Ben is like a walking nap.

JP is being really nice to this bitch.

THE SISTER COMPARED HIM TO BRAD? OUCH.

She is shutting JP down like a crackhouse.

His voice is cracking. *lip quiver*

I hope Ben's date goes worse!

The sister is being waaay easy on Ben

Ben is sweating like a whore on judgement day

Ben looks huge! What has he been doing in fiji? Roids and P90X?

His shorts are so very loud. Scratching my eyes.

"Lubing each other up with mud." My brie is gonna come back up.

“Hoping everything is well received tonight." Gross Ben. Gross.

Did he just. Take her towel off. #DamnJP

This note is cheesier than a dairy farmer's stool. But it's cute.

And Ben didn't get her jack shit.

Ben's hair makes me itchy.

JP leaning on that rail- Gun show.

Ben's ring is better.

Why did she let him propose?

Ashley. You are so bad at this.

Effffffff.

He was not dangerous enough of a choice. I'll pour one out for you Ben.

And the sun is setting! So pretty.

JP is wearing the shit out of this suit.

Waaaaiiiiit a minute. JP’s ring is the biz.com.

Air Supply ftw

After Show. After Show. After Show.

Ashley's family is front row center for this shit?!

Ben showed the most emotion after she rejects him. Wierd.

And he had to go to his best friend's wedding right after? DAAANGG.

"nice ring" That was bitchy, Ben.

I'm too tired to even think about this mess right now.

They better make this shit work is all I gotta say.

I feel dirty watching them kiss. I never feel dirty.

Did someone say BACHELOR PAD STARTING MONDAY AUGUST 8TH?!

BachelorTweet Theater: The Men Tell All

2011-08-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

BACHELORETTE TWEETS ARE NOW COMMENCING.

The mask dude was also a maid? Bonus.

I don't understand why this needs to be 2 hours long.

Every shirt Ashley wears has no back. What the what.

Ames is gonna get some!!! WHAT. #BachelorPad

Ames and Jacki is perfect!!!!

William is such a dick.

Tim seems like a total guido jerk but I am unreasonably attracted to him.

Constantine and Mickey just owned William.

Why is the mask looking so sickly? #sweatyYellowSkin

WILLIAM IS PLUGGING HIS EARS LIKE A TODDLER.

This is so delightfully awkward.

I don't believe William has changed at all. He didn't even admit he set Ben up!

This is not the same without wine.

Ryan is so cat lady desperate. #sad

Ames is makin the panties drop in the studio tonight.

Poor Ames. He was sweeter and more articulate in that clip than on the show.

Chris Harrison has a crush on Ames.

BENTLEY. You make Dick Cheney look like Paula Deen.

AND HE DOESN'T SHOW! Coward piece of shit.

What on earth is Michelle Money wearing? Crop top vest?

The audience reactions are priceless.

I never thought Ashley was stupid or ugly. Just very immature.

Ashley seems like she's single. I'm nervous.

Both men propose! If she breaks JP’s heart I will break her face.

BachelorTweet Theater

2011-07-27T07:14:00.000-07:00

As horrible as they are I can't help but love The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The shows combine the stupidity of dating with the arbitrary nature of love/mate selection with a splash of competition for good measure. This season of The Bachelorette has been particularly ridiculous due to Ashley's (The Bachelorette) emotional immaturity (she describes all the guys as sexy studs- vomit) and the mens' lack of attractiveness. Here are my tweets from the past 2 episodes. Join me live this Sunday for the "Men Tell All" episode and next Monday for the finale on twitter @youngwby. Or wait until I post them here like a lame-o.

The Final Four: July 18, 2011

I'm not sure if it's the glass and a half of wine in me, but Constantine is looking kinda cute this week.

HIS TOWN IS CUMMING, GEORGIA? STOP IT.

The gap in Constantine’s dad's teeth is my favorite thing ever.

I'm in love with Constantine's dad. What do I do about this?

OMG MAKIN IT RAIN IN THE HIZZLE! I need to marry a Greek.

Ames’ sister looks JUST like him. WEIRD.

YYECCCHHhhEEEG <---- sound I made when I saw Ames' brother.

Ames' mom looks normal. Is his father Mr. Potato Head?

Aw, his dad's dead. Now I feel bad. #RIPMrPotatoHead

AMES? UNPOPULAR IN SCHOOL? NO.

Why is Ashley acting like she's never been in a winery before?

I fail to see how Ben's face is different from Constantine's. They both look like re re versions of each other.

Doing laundry and missed Ben's segment. I have a feeling it wasn't that interesting.

He cried about his dad and said he had "feelings" for Ashley. #PredictingWhatIMissed

JP is wearing the shit out of that shirt.

AIR SUPPLY? SHUT UP.

I want to rub my hands/"fill in the blank" over JP's head.

What's the story behind JP's brother's nose?

I want Ashley's dress but in white. #AndtoLoooseaMillionPounds

"I wanna know where Ames came from" BECAUSE HE'S AN ALIEN.

Omg Ash, SEND HOME ONE OF THE RE RE FACED ONES! #TakeYourPick

The Bachelor Pad preview just made me shake with glee. I CAN'T WAIT.

Ames is trying so hard to look normal and failing.
DID HE JUST WINK? WHY IS HE SO WEIRD? #Ames

Oh Ames. So many teeth, so little time. #SeeYouAtTheCrossroads

Down to 3: July 25, 2011 Episode

This "return bachelor" has to be Ryan. I can't imagine Ames doing anything that desperate.

IT'S RYAN. UNLEASH THE CRAZY.

I love that Ashley is looking at Ryan like he's a special ed kid. This is magic.

I don't understand how Ashley's soooo smitten with Ben. He has a primate face/the personality of dry oats.

"I think our life would be very exciting." –Ashley Being on a boat is exciting. BEN IS NOT EXCITING.

"It's been years since I've felt this way" Really, Ben. I can't tell that you're feeling anything at all. #NumbMonkeyFace

I've never been so bored watching a Bachelorette date. Jesus.

Ben, if you actually learned something from Ashley, you have the emotional maturity of a papaya.

"I'm hoping Ben shows me how he feels in the fantasy suite" with his dick. #subtext

"Everything in life to me right now is just clear" LIKE YOUR WATERY ASS PERSONALITY.

Ryan, if you were a woman everyone would think you're desperate/delusional/pathetic. Like I do right now.

I see the helicopter contract from last season got renewed. I swear there was one in every ep of Brad's season

Ok ok ok Constantine is cute, but he is hardly a "Greek God", Ashley.

If Ryan said all he wanted was a lock of Ashley's hair to carry around, I would not be surprised. #psycho

Setting the Charlie's Angels trailer to Ke$ha just ensured that I will never watch that show.

Soooooo looks like Constantine's goin home.

DANG. That is a man right there.

Sigh. Time to bust out the vibe, Ash.

I can taste Ryan's desperation. It tastes like aspirin and white musk.

This Ryan interview set to different music would be super menacing. That is how crazy he sounds.

JP is sexing Ash and he didn't even have to drop the L word?! 500 gangster points.

The Bachelorette- Ep 7: TAIWAN DOES NOT PLAY AROUND

2011-07-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

PREVIEWS:

Emily!!!

Time for some Taiwan love!!

Don't you dare wink at the camera, JP. You are excused (to my room!).

Fail for wearing sweats, FRASIERAMES. I didn't even know you owned a pair. I thought you worked out in three-piece suits.

Chris! Laying down the rules! THREE ONE-on-ONE dates! pressures on for whomever gets the group dates. put on your jock straps, this is gonna get rough.

JP. JP. JP. EXTREME want.

These commercials with Emily are stressing me out.

Wardrobe moment: There are very few places where you can't where heels. Trust. Also: Ash and the backless shirts. Stop that. America knows you have no bra on. Congrats.

Constantine tells us he comes from a family that's big on tradition. Then he flashes his biceps and he Honor of European Unification Medal. Ash and Constantine paint a lantern, blahblahblah. Camera cuts to Guys back at the hotel. Ben gets the date! SOLARRYAN's starting to crack. If JP and Lucas end up no a date: Lucas is going home.

Back to Constantine. He lives in Alabama. No one is really addresses the logistics of Ash living in the Northeast and Constantine living in the South/in his European castle. Set members *may or may not be* releasing several love/flame wishy-things for extra tv effect.

ASH & BEN'S Date:

SO far, a lot gf greenery and Ash squealing. They're also on a scooterbike.

Cut back to guys in the house. Ugh, SOLARYRYAN got the last one-on-one date. JP, FRASIERAMES, and Lucas are on the group date. Lucas is going home.

Ben's falling in love with Ash. Ash keeps bringing up the wine Ben brought her on the first date. Ben spends dinner trying to tell Ash he loves her but without saying he loves her. I think the fact that he looks too much like Josh Grobin throws me off. I'm not sure where this dinner is at, but the pool is HUGE.

GROUP DATE!

Cut back to the guys at the house. Shock and rage over Ben not coming back home after the date. JP looks murderous. My attraction soars. 24-hour Ben returns. JP walks out of the room.

+500 points for the awesome nude-colored shoes, Ash.

I think JP and Constantine share shirts. I don't mind.

FRASIERAMES' frill-lovers-anonymous suit is LEGIT. JP gets the tux. Ash changes her hair and dress. Lucas in traditional Taiwanese wear kisses Ash. JP's head begins to steam. Don't even know if FRASIERAMES took photos. Ash punches JP in the arm. Any wedding-based activity for a date is a BAD idea, Ash.

Ash pulls aside Lucas first at the night-group date. She starts asking the tough questions. Compared to her "serious" conversations with Bwad, I'm REALLY proud.

Cut to Guys at the house for SOLARRYAN's date... Ben reads the date card, SOLARRYAN is so excited, he builds a self-sustainable farm in the back yard of the house they're in (kidding?).

Back to Group Date Shenans. TEEN AMES IS ADORBS. MAN AMES WEARS PINK PANTS.

JP recaps his struggles through Asia. JP puts it all out on the line. Ash leaves to grab the rose. JP doesn't know for a bit. JP's GETS THE HOMETOWN ROSE ON THE GROUP DATE, Y'ALL. Fact: a little bit of jealousy, when done correctly and in small doses, can get you a rose, guys.

ASH & RYAN's ONE-on-ONE:

Ash's shirt has no back. I cannot figure out the mathematics supporting this shirt. SOLARRYAN's shirt is very pink. Which leads me to think that the guys had a meeting and decided pink was the color of the week. SOLARRYAN thinks the threat of no rose means he's a sure bet. This seems somewhat foreboding.

Ash and SOLARRYAN do some traditional wishing activity, the rocks tell them their wish won't come true. Ash wishes she knew more about Tai Chi. AMES COULD TELL YOU, ASH. AMES WOULD KNOW. SOLARRYAN gets real excited about the sun coming out. Ryan has little to say outside of how happy/excited he is. Ash has clocked out. Yikes. This may get super SOLAR awkward.

I think Ryan maybe on a different page from Ash. He's in heaven, she's mentally creating outfits for next week. SOLARRYAN asks some environmental questions. Ash tells a story about a previous boyfriend and recycling. Ash asks Ryan to teach her something- he TALKS ABOUT WATER HEATERS. Not. A. Joke. I can already see this playing on loop on the Soup. Ouch. Also: way to miss a moment to step it up, Ryan!

Ash bravely pushes forward and starts asking some family questions, Ryan doesn't really answer or give much substance in his answer. Ash shuts down. SOLARRYAN is, naturally, blindsided. Sad news doesn't register well with him. It's not sunny enough. Ash is letting him go on the spot. Props for not even waiting for the rose ceremony. Why waste time? Ryan tries not to lose it. Hugs, and cue sad camera confessional. Ryan loses it. Tears and f-bombs ensue. No plants were harmed. Some weird Blair Witch Camera shooting is going on with Ryan's face. SOLARRYAN walks through the streets of Taiwan alone. Probably gauging the efficiency of the water heaters he passes.

ROSE CEREMONY:

AMES should definitely be a tv reporter. He should probably report on the weather. He'd be calm while standing 20 feet away from a tornado. In lieu of commercials, he could tell us the entrie history of tornadoes on earth.

Ash once again opts to forego the cocktail party. When she means business, she means business.

Camera cuts to the guys. Lucas wants to talk to her during the cocktail party. Naturally, Chris enters to say there will be no cocktail party. Time for the roses.

Only one goes home. JP has a rose, so.... I'm more concerned about Constantine's choice for a shirt. Lucas is sweating after Ben gets called. ABC drags out the tribal music for way too long. Ash picks AMES! The South does not rise again. Sorry, Lucas.

LUCAS KIND OF LOOKS LIKE MATTHEW MCCAUNAGHEY/however you spell his name.

Ash is crying to the cameras about hoping she made the right decisions. I'm waiting for the EMILY special. I hope Chris sets Em up with West. HOW HAS THIS NOT ALREADY HAPPENED?!

******

EMILY TELLS ALL. My heart is already breaking a little.

EM is already crying. They haven't even entered the house. This is going to be tough. On a side note, I wonder how tall her shoes are.

"Nor will I tolerate anyone else saying anything bad about him." Em will cut you. Also; +1,000 Kate Middleton life points for showing America how to sit in a short skirt like a lady, Em.

IT WAS A FAIRY TALE!!!!

BWAD sends his blessing!! Oh, Em. Always a lady.

I think Chris wanted Bwad and Em to work out more than anyone! ABC's track record still hinges on Trista and Ryan.

PREVIEWS:

HOMETOWNS ARE COMING!!!

Holy crap this was overwhelming!

The Bachelorette- Ep. 6: MUST SEE TV

2011-07-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sold on taking a tour of Asia. Got it, ABC. GOT THE MEMO.

Chris! Pull it together Ashley! Pull it together, you've got business to attend to.

THE SHOWDOWN:

OH! I have an idea of something fun: let's stare at the notepad with Bents' room number on it for a really long time.

You can do it, Ash! Knock down that door! Ugh, Bentley. Don't let him be vague, Ash. Lock this down. Dang, Ash just SHUT.IT.DOWN.

Shortest one-on-one dates summary ever:

FIRST KISS, FIRST DANCE, ROSE! Knock 'em down, Texas Lucas. Knock 'em down.

Group Date time!

I'm rooting for Ben & Constantine because of the bandana on Ben's head. I don't need much convincing. I can, however, appreciate Mickey & FRASIERAMES's tactic. KIMONOS! This can only end well. This race is serious. Team Red Dragon is not on the ball. Mickey and FRASIERAMES WIN!

Beach engagement! Adorbs!

Ashley looks so much happier/better.

I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR FRASIERAMES TO MAKE A MOVE. My jaw is on the floor.

Blahblahblah, everyone hates Ryan, which means he'll get the rose. Done.

Date with JP. Ash drops the B-bomb. Jordan Paul don't care; he carries rocks and buildings all day. Rose. Train ride. PDA. FOREARMS. Gratuitous scenery shot. Done. JP plays for keeps.

Still undecided about Ash's nail polish selection.

Ash LOVES her some short, sparkly dresses.

**ASH TELLS ALL ABOUT BENTS:

SPOILER ALERT: every time Ash says "it's gonna be great," that means THINGS ARE GOING TO GO REAL, REAL BAD.
Ash tells all. SILENCE. And cue the questions. Southern gentleman Lucas AIN'T happy. I guess these questions are fair, but again, JP plays for keeps. At least Ash told the guys. They could have found out when the show aired. And cue SuperSolar Creepy Ryan. THEOLOGY & FRASIERAMES!! Dropping some words of wisdom. (N.B.: that floating house that they're on has A LOT of lighting going on. Holy smokes.).
One commercial break later, Lucas is still going on about the ghost of Bents. RYAN REYNOLDS/BLAKE! I think the threat of being sent home on national tv makes everyone real honest upfront. MICKEY tamed his hair. MICKEY peaced out! I mean, it's not like Bents is there! I'd rather craycray Ryan or pouty Lucas leave. What happened to the days when the guys would stay until they were kicked out?! Wimps.
POWERCHECK EVERYONE, JP.
Ashley crying, Chris is trying to rally her and get her to get her mind back in the game.. Ash puts Mickey's picture face down. Super dramatic.

**********

ROSE CEREMONY:

Take a shot-to-this-phrase of the season: "Move Forward."

BEN/JGrobes is in. Constantine the Great is in. I think FRASIERAMES STAYS. He HAS too.

FINAL ROSE GOES TO:

FRASIERAMES IS IN. Sorries, Ryan Reynolds/Blake. Probably shouldn't have blown up at Ash- especially having not had any one-on-one dates. At least you left with some dignity. The same can't be said for that guy who got sent home drunk before the very first rose ceremony.

MORE MOVING FORWARD! DRINKS! Off to TAIWAN!

PREVIEWS:

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THIS COMING BACK ON THE SHOW AFTER BEING KICKED OFF?! This show is not following the format! There is a format for a reason!

There is a lot of crying left to go in this season. Yikes, Ash. Yikes.

The Bachelorette- Ep. 5: Fights and Fun in Thailand (or: Nice Guys Do Not Always Finish Last)

2011-07-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

Thank you, FRASIERAMES for the history lesson on Chiang Mai.

HOLY CRAP the guys' hotel is amaymay. Also: EXCELLENT lighting.

Is Mickey wearing sweats in front of the statues?!?! OH. NO.

WALK THAT CAT WALK, Ash. WALK THAT CATWALK.

TWO-on-ONE DATES?! THIS MEANS IT'S GETTING REAL, Yo.

Ben F/C/dark-haried Ben's got a date!

Ben's date is like Constantine's- casual, spontaneous, and so far, perfect.

MENTAL KISS. Adorbs

Does the "Bachelor/Bachelorette" share set decorators with Grey's Anatomy?

Ben F is kind of adorable. Not in the traditional physical sense, but he seems legit.

WHO'S GOING ON THE 2-ON-1?! BEN C. AND AT&T/Wills!!!!! This will be intense. I am pumped.

WOMEN/FIRE/MUSIC/DANCING! Ben F's date is crazy pockets.

I'm ready for AT&T/Wills to go home. Like now.

LUCAS, What street fights have you been in?!

FRASIERAMES, I am beyond excited for you and any combat sport. I believe in you. It takes a secure man to rock pink satin shorts in public. Points for FRASIERAMES.

Blake & Lucas- this is gonna get real ugly real fast.

Mickey & JP! Please don't hurt JP or ruin his face.

OMG JP IS JEWISH?! Lust factor-o-meter just exploded. I cannot watch this show anymore. Please kick off JP so then I can date him, Ash. Thanks.

Again, Lucas- WHO have you been fighting?!

OH NO. FRAISERAMES AND SOLARRYAN. FRASIERAMES kinda has the look that Dwight had on "The Office" when he got a concussions. AMES!!!

Didn't even notice the last fight. Is FRASIERAMES ok?!?!?!

Ugh, Ryan. This is your fault.

FRASIERAMES!!! EVERYONE REJOICE! "I usually can't speak to her because she's beautiful, but today I can't speak to her because my head is not working." OK, AMES WIN.

UGh, AT&T/Wills go home.

I never knew a golf lesson could be so hot. SCORE FOR ASH AND LUCAS.

Blahblahblah, Cheers to FRASIERAMES for surviving his first fight! Now let's get some 2-on-1 date action!

AT&T/Wills is kinda creepy. When you start out a sentence with "I'm not throwing the guy under the bus," means that you're throwing the guy under the bus. AT&T/WIlls you have a younger mind. Don't play mind games. Go home.

WOW. Ash, just sent him home immediately!?! Holy. Crap. DANG WILLIAM. You have to know karma will bite you hard for that.

ASH is cutting to the point. "I am looking for a man." Yup. Good call on getting rid of AT&T/Wills, Ash. You don't want to get with someone who "is going back to nothing." Not a good place to be.

Why did you have to burn the rose, Ash? C'mon now. That's just destructive. I hope you didn't learn that from Jeff/Phantom.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I feel like SOLARRYAN is real, on the other hand, he creeps me out.

HI JP.

Ashley, I want to slap you. Please stop with the Bentley stuff. Thanksies.

CHRIS! Chris, bringing the knowledge.

Ash, you should take some tums for all these stomach problems. Just saying.

ROSE CEREMONY:

This dramatic pausing needs to be cut in half.

FRASIERAMES WORE A THREE-PIECE SUIT. UNREQUIRED FANCINESS IS THE SEXIEST THING EVER. I just blacked out in attraction.

UGH. Not Ryan. Sorries, Nick. See you on the flip side. On the other hand, you seem much older than 26 and that's not a bad thing.

Up next: Hong Kong! And the ghost of Bentley pops up again.

The Bachelorette- Ep.; Ash Does Asia

2011-07-13T15:10:00.000-07:00

What is with this Thailand Tourism interview/girl chat? Oh, ABC.

I like West and FRAISERAMES more and more. They're right, Ash: You gotta rally back! You can do it! Also: YOU. ARE. IN. THAILAND.

CONSTANTINE GOT A DATE! Also: who is he?!

Gratuitous shirtless moment. You're off to a great start, Constantine!

This date is awesome. Rained out dates usually win. Also: I want Ash's sweater.

I like this man on the street! "Don't try to win, and forgive and forget." Hitting us up with some knowledge, Thailand-style.

LUCAS! Another person who needs a one-on-one date. FRASIERAMES. So awkwardly adorable.

Cute, CUTE hair while talking to the cam, Ash.

I don't understand how Constantine's biceps are so big. Maybe it's all those wars he fought in a former life. Constantine also strikes me as a super laid back guy. This could easily go either way.

I LOVE how defensive/protective JP is. Its getting real.

Constantine owns a restaurant! He could hire Mickey, the Chef, and expand the business!

ASH- You PUT those manly men to work. SLOW CLAP.

Oh Ryan. Ben's face is hilarious. BEN! The mural idea is adorable. Ok, time fore tears, happy kids who get really great things= so amazing. ABC WIN.

I am really proud of Ash. I think she's handling juggling all these guys pretty well (Bentley issues aside).

BLAKE LOOKS LIKE RYAN REYNOLDS. One down!

Sometimes I get the feeling that Ryan had a lot of RedBull in the morning. Something about his time with Ash didn't sit well with me.

I really like the combination of "shocked and appalled" in a sentence. Extra impact.

JP OWNED THAT MOMENT. Le sigh.

FRASIERAMES IS GONNA GET SOME TIME! Huzzah!

Oh Ryan... Stealing Ash away right at the moment of suspense. Nope. Really Ryan?! Waste of a moment... Ben F gets the rose!! He was overdue!

OF COURSE YOU'VE BEEN TO PHUKET BEFORE, FRASIERAMES. Thailand was country #58. You have like 40 grad degrees. Cooking school in Thailand at the last minute?! Are you even real?! Adorable. Ash, please kiss him at some point and time. HOLYSMOKESTHISDATEISAWESOME. I have a habit of drowning and even I'd get on a kayak without a life jacket for an island trip in Thailand. Also, again: BLUE.BUTTON.DOWN. Got the memo.

Gratuitous Shirtless moment! Offer accepted.

Way to appreciate FRASIERAMES over Bents, Ash. +500 adulthood points.

Lizard/frog shot was legit. CAMERA WIN.

A floral piece? FRASIERAMES is adorable. And Ash is having good conversations! HI-FIVE! Good job!

I find FRASIERAMES to be rather soothing. Like a nice mug of hot chocolate when you come inside from a cold day. I also kind of love that they didn't kiss on the date.

ASK THOSE TOUGH QUESTIONS, Ash.

Ryan sometimes has that "I'll stalk your house if we breakup" vibe. I'm creeped out. Points to Blake for just laying it out there with Ryan.

I don't really feel like Ryan has said anything really pertinent since the first episode.

ASH! BREAKING RULES!! YES!!

ROSE CEREMONY:

This doesn't bode well for WEst- he's getting a lot of camera time. Nick- dude needs a one-on-one date badly. Speaking of: the guys handle not getting one-on-one dates MUCH better than the women on the "Bachelor."

DANG, I'm sorry West! You and Emily should get together. Power couple.

El fin.

The Bachelorette- Ep. 3: ROASTS ARE ALWAYS BAD UNLESS THEY INVOLVE SMORES.

2011-07-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

Previews:

Will?!?! You really said that?! I cannot WAIT for Bentley to go home.

BEN C GETS A DATE. I hope it is in all French. Subtitles need not apply.

I LOVE OFF-THE-SHOULDER SHIRTS. Win.

THIS IS ADORABLE.

FLASH MOB!!!!!!!!!! I want to cry. This is my dream. Hi-five, Le Ben.

How can I become a member of Flashmob America?

I thought the guys in the Far East group were also the Jabberwockies. ABC, this is a lot to remember for a non-teen/un-hip person.

Ben talks REAL fast. "Do I put an emoticon?" Always, Ben. Adorbs.

These previews are killing me- I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

Please stop with the creepy music. Good heavens, Jeff/Phantom. Good. Heavens.

Ash, I'm not wild about what you're wearing, but because you have pretty makeup on- I'll allow it.

OMG- Take the mask off. ALSO: WHY ARE THERE ANIMALS EVERYWHERE?!

Mask removal: SO ANTI-CLIMATIC.

OH NOES- They're in the limo. Some bad stuff is about to happen. At&t/Wills, you're being set up for failure.

Am I wildly uncool because I have no idea who Jeff Ross is? Don't answer that.

FRASIERAMES! Just ask yourself, "What would Brendan do?"

Wait, is AT&T/Wills here for Ash or for a future comedy gig? I'm confused. Did I miss something?

Man, I DO NOT LIKE THIS. And we haven't even started.

I'm noticing a lot of public-themed dates. Ash is a little freak.

I'm so nervous I could vomit.

Lucas, I understand. Oh, Ryan. FRASIERAMES: WIN. Blah, blah, blah, Jeff/Phantom. Bentley: blah. Oh noes, AT&T/Wills.

WOW. AT&T/Wills. Not even the crowd likes you. YIKES.

On the other hand, at least Ash held it together until the show ended.

Oh, Bentley. Vomit.

Oh Ash. Watching you and Bentley is rough.

YIKES, AT&T/Wills I think you're going home... JUST APOLOGIZE!!! Don't leave!

I like the hair more and more, Ash. Maybe it's the leather jacket.

FINALLY SOMEONE GOT THE MEMO: RYAN! FOR THE WIN. JP would have known what to do. Recognize game before game rec-OMG. JP's arms. I. what?how?when?no!what?why?!

It is eerily silent in the background. Ugh, Bentley. No, Ash! Bad boys are not for you!

YAY! Rose for Ryan!

As much as I didn't like Ash- especially towards the end of the Bachelor- she doesn't deserve to be played. This cannot be good. Someone please intervene. Please page Chris to the set!

Um, JP was shirtless, ABC. I DON'T WANT TO SEE BENTLEY'S FACE. Please take note.

Bentley, this is a bad idea. You may be cockblocking yourself for life. You do know this will be airing on TELEVISION, right?! Are people really this stupid? And you're blaming your daughter? You can at least be real with her. Maybe not brutal, but at least be honest. How are you really this cruel, Bentley? How did this really air on television?!

I wonder if Bents will even show up to the reunion show. He might actually have a bounty on his head. Please let Michelle Money be there. Bonus points if Emily shows up and shakes her head in disgust at him.

Wow- the level of classlessness and tackiness from Bentley is UNRIVALED. Wow. Ash, you do not want that- that is toxic. Yikes AND yowzas.

When Michelle "Cougs" Money thinks you're worthless- you need to slap yourself and enter a rehab facility immediately.

AW, JP. Why is your date tainted by Bents?! PUNCH.BENTLEY.IN.THE.THROAT. On the other hand, when Trista hung out with Ryan at home, he ended up winning- and they now have 2 kids. Just. saying.

J.P.

I can't watch this makeout porn. Whatever the viewer rating on this show was, it was NOT strong enough.

Ok. Ash has to pick JP, because if he doesn't get picked, he may end up the next Bachelor and I am yet not prepared for my life to be televised.

*****
CHRIS!!! TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!!

"A.REAL.MAN.WOULD.HAVE.MOVED.HEAVEN.AND.EARTH.TO.BE.WITH.YOU." CHRIS- just slow clap. SLOW. CLAP. You talk some sense into her. Can we be LinkedIn friends?!

No party tonight, kids. Ish got real. Make moves to the rose room. There is something wonderfully efficient about Chris. Efficiency in a man= swoon.

*******[Yes Chris got his own section. He's legit.]*******

The rain/thunderstorm= awesome effect. And they tell me "it never rains in Southern California!"

ROSE CEREMONY:

Ash is all business. She wants to get home and call it a night. This will be the quickest rose ceremony on record.

Mickey's hair is alarmingly tall.

FRASIERAMES REALLY looks like Brendan with that shirt on.

Shocker: AT&T/Wills is IN, Y'all!

Ugh, Jeff/Phantom, we get the plan with the mask, already. MUST YOU NOW BURN THE PLASTIC MASK IN THE FIREPLACE?! This is the most environmentally destructive season ever. Someone page SUPERSOLAR RYAN to the set.

Ugh. Week four best being more shirtless JP.

The Bachelorette- Ep. 2: What Happens in Vegas, Runs on ABC FOREVER. (or: JP, I live in NYC and WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.)

2011-07-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

EPISODE TWO. U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

PREVIEWS:

Bentley: Did you REALLY just say something about having Ash "tickle you ------?!" INAPPROPRIATE. Also: you have a daughter. Would you want a man ever talking like that about her on national tv?!?!

Fact: Blue button-downs are heavenly on men. You're welcome.

I can already tell there is not enough gratuitous shirtlessness going on here. C'mon, ABC. You know better.

FRASIERAMES!

HI JP.

Ryan, you're so adorable it hurts.

Ryan + JP= I approve of this seating arrangement. Wholeheartedly.

WATCH OUT. Ash got a leather jacket. Move over, America.

"I want to kill William." LMAO. Note that every woman wants to evoke that feeling in a man.

OK, ABC Plane Extravaganza begins again. I'm impressed we even made it to the second episode.

A mask and a beanie?! WHAT NEW DEVILRY IS THIS?! The French aristocrat in me just spat at your feet Jeff/Phantom. I'd totally send you to the dungeons if I could.

No, there's nothing stealth about a big, black mask on your face. FRASIERAMES to Jeff/Phantom: "Now that we're in 90-degree weather, do you wish you had a white mask on?" [cue giggles]. I LIKE FRASIERAMES MORE AND MORE.

Oh no. Vegas and Altars= bad news bears. I love how terrified/confused At&t/Wills is. At&t/Wills has A.C. Slater dimples.

YES IT COULD BE A LEGALLY BINDING MARRIAGE, ASH. Why are you thinking of this now? Stop with the tests, please.

Ash LOVES her short skirts/dressees. I can't even hate- I'd do the exact same with those legs.

DATE IN THE BELLAGIO FOUNTAINS?! THIS IS BANANAS ON SO MANY LEVELS. On a side note, I'm pretty sure Britney Spears lip-sang "Stronger" there once.

Props to AT&T/Wills for opening up in the Bellagio fountains on national tv.

THIS IS A HUGE GROUP DATE. JP- you don't need Vegas, boo. Better things are coming for you.

WATER FOUNTAIN SHOW WHILE ON THE WATER?!?! HOLY CRAP THIS IS FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC.

OMG- Matt's an office supply salesman. His hotness factor just skyrocketed. Seriously.

ASH, YOU STRIKE THAT POSE IN YOUR JEANS AND HEELS. GO. ON.

I bet all you guys wished you'd paid more attention to Bsb's dancing.

I get it: Stephen/Ben, you do NOT want to go back to LA. Got it.

I LOVE THE TRASH-TALK.

What is a "construction estimator?"

West, I accept and appreciate your determination and execution.

Chris D., you can't cuss on ABC!

Oh, Mickey. Way to repeat the failures for full effect.

Question: If you performed in an act as part of a t.v. show, can you then list that performance on your resume?

Show's done. Let's party!

BLAKE (is that your name? Doesn't matter.), I LOVE ORDER. WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

WEST= WINNER. And not just because of your name.

I love that the music for the LA house is set to "Hi-jinx."

Bentley- so. disgusting. At least Michelle Money was funny. You're just horrible and cruel.

SERIOUSLY- Bentley?! A ROSE?! OVER WEST?! Epic fail, Ash.

JP- you have th e"needs" list ALL wrong. I NEED you to take off your shirt. THAT'S WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN.

Mickey with glasses= hawt.

JP without glasses= STILL HAWT.

I LOVE WHITE BLAZERS. Ash, you have redeemed yourself.

Mickey, good job on keeping up the theme of luck in vegas.

I feel that this "Jeff/Phantom removal of the mask" ceremony is going to be SO anti-climatic. I'm eating smores Pop-tarts to give myself something happy to look forward to.

New thought: Jeff/Phantom is a dementor-lite. He kinda sucks the energy out of the house/the air. (HARRY POTTER MENTIONS in Bachelorette Posts: 2-2).

I'm liking Mickey more and more against my will. He will not take away my lust for JP.

"FLIP A COIN FOR THAT THING?!" LMAO. Micks.

Mickey's face is AWESOME. Over Colbie "grandma dance moves" Caillet?!

I should start flipping coins left and right.

JP: DO NOT TEASE ME WITH THE HAND-RUBBING OVER THE HEAD.

JP MAKING MOVES. HAWT.

FOR SOME REASON I WANTED TO KISS JO TONIGHT." NO, NO: YOU AND I KNOW THE REASON, ASH. I can't even be mad.

AT&T/Wills: Taking time from other guys at the cocktail party when you have a rose?! That was super slim-shady.

I love that guys gossip after dates JUST as much as girls.

Tip: if you are wearing a mask and lurking around corners/peering over staircases, you come off as ultra-creepy. And there is nothing stealth about that, Jeff/Phantom.

Jeff, you wore a mask to get attention. Just own it. The mask was a trick, and you're kind of creepy. AND YOU'RE THIRTY-FIVE AND WEARING A MASK? Unacceptable.

Cliff notes: Jeff/Phantom was married, wife cheated on him, got a divorce, had a brain hemorrhage, was about to take about the mask, but a Ben interuppted.

Why are you talking about the date, AT&T/WIlls?! Super tacks.

Bentley- wow. WOW. I don't even have words for how much I don't like you.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Does Chris spend less time talking with Ash on camera because she's a girl? He got some good camera time with Bwad and I'd like him to come back and talk with Ash more. She needs a friend right now.

YAY WESTWARD!

Oh, Constantine, you're still here.

I wonder if Jeff/Phantom is wishing he'd taken that dang mask off. OR JUST NEVER PUT IT ON TO BEGIN WITH.

Nick- saved by the line dance.

FRASIERAMES. IN A VEST. I'll gladly allow it.

I keep forgetting that Lucas is on the show.

REALLY. JEFF/PHANTOM?!

JP is in! Show's over.

I'm iffy about Ash's nail polish here. Is it a pink or an off-white?

BLAKE gets the final rose. I'm also iffy about this. He really needs some uno-en-uno time with Ash. Stay tuned.

NO, MATTTT! Ash! You were supposed to meet his mom. Also: What part of "FREE OFFICE SUPPLIES" did you not understand?!

Stephen, the hairstylist: I do not like your hair.

The construction estimator is off to estimate more constructive stuff.

And done.

The Bachelorette- Ep. 1: Ashley Gets Her Groove/Hair Extensions On...

2011-07-02T19:39:00.001-07:00

Ok, I caved in and started watching the Bachelorette. I will be forcing Whitney (who, P.S., has been watching all along and depriving you all. FAIL.) to blog as well.

Let's dive in.

1. Ash got her hair did. Fellas, this means "business-time" is going down. Women are up to something if they change their hair in any kind of drastic manner. Trust.

2. Just from the preview: Bentley looks and sounds like much to close to one of those "Huntington Beach is the only 'real' surf beach in California and therefore I'm better than you" idiots. Which probably means he'll be on the show for a while. I already detest him. He might as well be a hipster to boot.

Solar-Power Ryan and his slightly too big suit= adorbs.

Val- JP TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE JGL. LOVE. (That's Joseph Gordon-Levitt for those of you who have been living under a rock). PLEASE LET HIM WIN ON THAT BASIS ALONE. I'm officially "in it to win it" for this season of the Bachelorette.

OMG- BRENDAN FRASIER. I can't. I can't. "Ames" cannot be human. OMG.

OF COURSE THERE'S A PIANO SOLO. We almost made it 30 minutes into the show, ABC. So close.

MULTIPLE SAME FIRST-NAMERS!! This is going to be a great show!

And cue sad music for Ben's father. He has to make it very far into the show so that he can "teach" Ashley about wine. And by "teach" I mean "makeout absurdly with Ashley in between wine vats."

Bentley, ugh.

Anthony is Italian. Two seconds into his clip. Nailed it. Also, he may be part of some sort of organized crime unit.

West (Please let there be a good story behind this name in a future ep.) is this season's Emily. Maybe he and the real Emily can get together if this whole Ashley thing doesn't work out.

"Cellular Phone Salesman?!" Oh, so you're the Good Luck Chuck guy... Can someone clarify if he's still wearing the broken watch?

****

I really enjoy when Chris says things as though he's expecting an invisible audience to clap. OMG, Disney music- STOP.

It sounds like Ashley used Bwad's therapist, Jamie. Hmm.... I wonder if he and his accent will be back.

I cannot imagine Michelle "Cougs" Money as the Bachelorette. [Insert several apocalyptic scenarios...]

DANG. Speaking of Michelle Money... OF COURSE MICHELLE KNOWS HIS EX-WIFE. Bentley- Ashley, you KNOW?!?! No one's even arrived to the house!

There is a lot of sequining going on here. Props to Ash for being so syked for the dentist and single parent/Bentley.

Let's meet some eye candy.

Ashley's so tiny. Ryan is adorbs. PICK HIM!

DID JON JUST "Blue Steel" America?! Muscle points: +100.

Lucas is done. Smelling good is nice, though. Bonus points for the accent. Please, please, please be a southern gentlemen. That is my (well, one of many, if I'm being honest) Achilles' heel.

AT&T Sales Guy/William should jump companies and work for Crest. Well, maybe Colgate, since I'd like Crest to hire me for an advertisement campaign and he could complicate things.

MICKEY?! Nope. Also, his voice is at least 2 octaves lower than I was prepared for. False advertising, Mickeyangelo... Getting a little bold there, MICKS.

I love that we can hear the guys in the limo as they approach. Good call, ABC execs.

Tim? Ugh, Dwight, use your words. P.S.: EVERYONE'S A HUGGER HERE.

BEN C. OMG. French. Flashbacks to Bradley Cooper in an interview in France. Can't. Want.to.go.to.there.

Sorry, Stephen, I have no comment for you. Too hung up on the French (another Achilles heel).

Chris, what is that accent? OMG, please be a real rapper. CHI-TOWN! (See Kanye).

WEST. Cheesy. AND I LOVE CHEESY. GET THAT DANG ON ROSE.

I actually laughed out loud at An- "I'm not in the mob"-thony. That was past cheesy.
Also, please don't hurt me or my family. Also, you have very large features for primetime television.

Ashley has a remarkable back/upper arm profile. Just thought it was worth pointing out.

BRENDAN FRASIER!! Can you give ballet tickets before a rose ceremony? How would that work out if you aren't picked? Would ABC reimburse you? Would Ash? Or would you just lose the tickets? Also: were they good seats? And if she went with you, would you do an impersonation of the real Brendan Frasier? I have so many questions for you, FrasierAmes. I hope you stay on for a while.

SAVEEEEE TONIGHT! FIGHT THE BREAK OF DAWN! COME TOMORROW, TOMORROW I'LL BE GONE!! Don't try to slip instrumental versions of songs past me- ABC, especially not from the 90s!

Matt, you bore me. This is not New Jack City, please don't do handshakes with Ash.

Mask guy, please go home. Or use Pro-active.

Good thinking At&t/Wills: masks do = hiding something. Much like light = showing something.

***

Alchy. Val- BEN F= TOTES A JOSH GROBIN LOOK-ALIKE. Ash should pick him because he'll appreciate her love of the alchy.

ESSSCUSE ME, FRANK, but did you just wink at Ash?! This is weird. Save the dancing for DWTS.

Mike, I so badly want you to look like Michael Vartan. So, so badly.

More Chris'. CANADA! First JBiebs, now this?! Canada takeover.

PHOTOS?! There are waaaaaaaaaay too many gimmicks going on here. To be fair, I'd totally want a photo with Chris.

OMG. JP. I will marry you. [Insert break while I regroup from the sudden urge to watch 500 Days of Summer/Inception on loop]. Dangit, Ash. You may have to give him a rose on my behalf.

A poem? Nick. Nick. Nick.

Cheerleading practice really helps here because some of these guys are a little too much.

HI BLAKE WITH YOUR HOT MAN SWAGGER WALK. Also, short, quick and to the point. Get on in there.

CONSTANTINE?! What is your middle name- Brutus/Octavius? I can't. FIGHT IN AN EPIC WAR/UNITE AN ENTIRE DIASPORA OF COUNTRIES AND THEN SHE'LL REMEMBER YOU. Done.

RYAN, MAKING MOVES. Hi-Five.

CALLED MY MOM?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! MOM: FOREGO SEPARATE ROOMS?! USE PROTECTION?! MOM. MOM. Pick him based solely on the chance to meet his mom.

Who is this Zoro-chump with the guitar? And now you just threw the guitar in the pool? Wasteful. Where's Ryan P. the environmental man?!

JEFF. Shutup. This is primetime television and it is not Halloween. Take. Off. The. Mask. and stop acting like someone put a Confundus Charm on you. Point. Blank. Period. AND HECK YES I BROUGHT HARRY POTTER INTO THIS MESS. THIRTEEN DAYS, BABY! GET EXCITED!!!

I just realized that I have no idea who the "minority" or "quasi-minority" is in the show. Too many Bens' and Chris'. Let's make it Bentley. Done.

Tim looks like he's going to self-destruct. Or implode. Someone start a countdown.

Where'd the white fur come from? Someone at Peta just lost their cookies.

WHERE DID THE POSTERBOARD COME FROM?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! WHERE IS CHRIS AND WHO IS NOT REGULATING THE OFFICE SUPPLIES!?!?!

Oh, Ben C.

SERIOUSLY, HOW MANY FURS ARE THERE ON SET?!

TIM. PULL IT TOGETHER. Also, use words. This is awkward. Ok, where's JP?! TIM, you SELL Alcohol but you can't hold it in?! Ash, lock down... OH! Don't dribble alchy on yourself, Tim! And cue the hiccups. Not appropriate. William is jumping all over this. Of course, the mask. Don't bring in your mother/her grave over a mask. Fight club time.

Why would Jeff/Phantom just come in there and stand there?!

"If you can't take the heat, get out of the oven?" Fact: Incorrect. It's "kitchen," but thanks for playing. Also, WHY WOULD YOU BE IN AN OVEN?! THAT IS DANGEROUS and I would be very concerned if you, a full grown man, could fit in an oven. Unless it was Hagrid's oven. That's different.

Oh Ash. Props for not even waiting for the rose ceremony to get Tim off the show.

WHERE IS CHRIS. THIS IS BANANAS.

OMG- STOP IT WITH THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUSAK. I cannot support this gimmick.

TAKE IT OFF!! (THE MASK- that is- OHMYGAWDJP IS HERE!)

[CUE EXTREME COVET].

Bentley- BENTLEY.

RYAN: "IT COULD BE WONDERFUL"= the correct answer. IT COULD IN FACT BE WONDERFUL. I'd like to make it wonderful for you.

I cannot figure out what celebrity I think Solar-Super Hero Ryan looks like. I will find a celebrity for every person here before the end of the season.

That dress looks like it weighs a.lot.

I'm mentally building a rider for my own "Bachelorette" season. 1. No masks, no fangs, no drunkies, no Bentleys (people or vehicles). 2. ALL JP., or 3. ALL JGL. OR RYAN GOSLING ("RyGos" as Whit likes to call him).

HI JP... I'm completely unbiased.

How does Ash remember all the names? I'm horrible at names- is there a hidden nametag somewhere on each guy?

ROSE TIME:

THE JOSH GROBINS ARE IN.

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN IS IN.

Are these pregnant pauses intentional or scheduled?

A CHRIS IS IN.

THE RYANS ARE IN.

Who had the job of cutting all these roses up? And do they get paid extra?

THE BENS ARE IN.

NORTHSOUTHEAST AND WEST ARE IN.

At&t/Wills lives for another day.

JP! I just thought of several international laws I'd gladly break for him. Or JGL. Man, this is going to be a torturous season.

FRASIERAMES IS IN.

Ugh, Bentlizzle is in. Vom.

I don't even remember Rob in the opening. Dang. Maybe if he had a gimmick?!

Oh, Jon. You'll be fine" You're tall, have sharp jawbones, and are gainfully employed. Man up. PLEASE DON'T CRY ON TV.

And Scene.

The Bachelorette- Ashley Gets Her Groove/Hair Extensions On...

2011-07-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

Bentley looks and sounds like much to close to one of those "Huntington Beach is the only 'real' surf beach in California and therefore I'm better thank you" idiots. Which probably means he'll be on the show for a while.

Solar-Power Ryan and his slightly too big suit= adorbs.

Val- JP TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE JGL (Joseph Gordon-Levitt for those of you who have been living under a rock). PLEASE LET HIM WIN ON THAT BASIS ALONE.

OMG- BRENDAN FRASIER. I can't. I can't. "Ames" cannot be human. OMG.

OF COURSE THERE'S A PIANO SOLO. We almost made it 30 minutes into the show, ABC. So close.

MULTIPLE SAME FIRST-NAMERS!! This is going to be a great show!

And cue sad music for Ben's father. He has to make it very far into the show so that he can "teach" Ashley about wine. And by "teach" I mean "makeout absurdly with Ashley in between wine vats."

Bentley, ugh.

Anthony is Italian. Two seconds into his clip. Nailed it. Also, he may be part of some sort of organized crime unit.

Wes is this season's Emily. Maybe he and the real Emily can get together if this whole Ashley thing doesn't work out.

"Cellular Phone Salesman?!" Oh, so you're the Good Luck Chuck guy... Can someone clarify if he's still wearing the broken watch?

****

I really enjoy when Chris says things as though he's expecting an invisible audience to clap. OMG, Disney music- STOP.

It sounds like Ashley used Bwad's therapist, Jamie. Hmm.... I wonder if he and his accent will be back.

I cannot imagine Michelle "Cougs" Money as the Bachelorette. [Insert several apocalyptic

DANG. Speaking of Michelle Money... OF COURSE MICHELLE KNOWS HIS EX-WIFE. Bentley- Ashley you KNOW?!?! No one's even arrived to the house!

There is a lot of sequining going on here. Props to Ash for being so syked for the dentist and single parent/Bentley.

Let's meet some eye candy.

Ashley's so tiny. Ryan is adorbs. PICK HIM!

DID JON JUST "Blue Steel" America?! Muscle points: +100.

Lucas is done. Smelling good is nice, though. Bonus points for the accent. Please, please, please be a southern gentlemen. That is my (well, one of many, if I'm being honest) Achilles' heel.

AT&T Sales Guy/William should jump companies and work for Crest. Well, maybe Colgate, since I'd like Crest to hire me for an advertisement campaign ad he could complicate things.

MICKEY?! Nope. Also, his voice is at least 2 octaves lower than I was prepared for. False advertising, Mickeyangelo... Getting a little bold there, MICKS.

I love that we can hear

Tim? Dwight, use your words. EVERYONE'S A HUGGER HERE.

BEN C. OMG.

Sorry, Stephen, I have no comment for you. Too hung up on the French (another Achilles heel).

Chris, what is that accent. OMG, please be a real rapper. C-TOWN!

WEST. Cheesy. AND I LOVE CHEESY. GET THAT DANG ON ROSE.

I actually laughed out loud at An- "I'm not in the mob"-thony. That was past cheesy.
Also, please don't hurt me or my family. Also, you have very large features for primetime television.

Ashley has remarkable back/upper arm profile.

B.FRASIER!! Can you give ballet tickets before a rose ceremony? How would that work out if you aren't picked? Would ABC reimburse you? Would Ash? Or would you just lose the tickets? Also: were they good seats? And if she went with you, would you do an impersonation of the real Brendan Frasier? I have so many questions for you, FrasierAmes. I hope you stay on for a while.

SAVEEEEE TONIGHT FIGHT THE BREAK OF DAWN! COME TOMORROW, TOMORROW I'LL BE GONE!! Don't try to slip instrumental versions of songs past me- ABC, especially not from the 90s!

Matt, you bore me. This is not New Jack City, please don't do handshakes with Ash.

Mask guy, please go home. Or use Pro-active.

Good thinking At&t/Wills: masks do = hiding something. Much like light = showing something.

***

Alchy. Val- BEN F= TOTES A JOSH GROBIN LOOK-ALIKE. Ash should pick him because he'll appreciate her love of the alchy.

ESSSCUSE ME, FRANK, but did you just wink at Ash?! This is weird. Save the dancing for DTWS.

Mike, I so badly want you to look like Michael Vartan. So, so badly.

More Chris'. CANADA! First JBiebs, now this?! Canada takeover.

PHOTOS?! There are waaaaaaaaaay too many gimmicks going on here. I'd totally want a p

OMG. JP. I will marry you. [Insert break while I regroup from the sudden urge to watch 500 Days of Summer/Inception on loop]. Dangit, Ash. You may have to give him a rose on my behalf.

A poem? Nick. Nick. Nick.

Cheerleading practice really helps here.

HI BLAKE WITH YOUR HOT MAN SWAGGER WALK. Also, short, quick and to the point.

CONSTANTINE?! What is your middle name- Brutus? I can't. FIGHT IN AN EPIC WAR/UNITE AN ENTIRE DIASPORA OF COUNTRIES AND THEN SHE'LL REMEMBER YOU. Done.

RYAN, MAKING MOVES. Hi-Five.

CALLED MY MOM?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! MOM. FOREGO SEPARATE ROOMS?! USE PROTECTION?! MOM. MOM. Pick him based solely on the chance to meet his mom.

Who is this Zoro-chump with the guitar? And now you just threw the guitar in the pool? Wasteful. Where's Ryan P. the environmental man?!

JEFF. Shutup. This is primetime television and it is not Halloween. Take. Off. The. Mask. and stopp acting like someone put a Confundus Charm on you. Point. Blank. Period. AND HECK YES I BROUGHT HARRY POTTER INTO THIS MESS. THIRTEEN DAYS, BABY! GET EXCITED!!!

I just realized that I have no idea who the "minority" or "quasi-minority" is in the show. Too many Bens' and Chris'. Let's make it JP. Done.

Tim looks like he's going to self-destruct. Or implode.

Where'd the white fur come from? Someone at Peta just lost their cookies.

WHERE DID THE POSTERBOARD COME FROM?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! WHERE IS CHRIS AND WHO IS NOT REGULATING THE OFFICE SUPPLIES.

Oh, Ben C.

HOW MANY FURS ARE THERE ON SET?!

TIM. PULL IT TOGETHER. Also, use words. This is awkward. Ok, where's JP?! TIM, you SELL Alcohol but you can't hold it in?! Ash, lock down... OH! Don't dribble alchy on yourself.. and cue the hiccups. Not appropriate. William is jumping all over this. Of course, the mask. Don't bring in your mother over a mask. Fight club time.

Why would Jeff just come in there and stand there?!

"If you can't take the heat, get out of the oven?" No. Incorrect. It's kitchen, but thanks for playing. Also, WHY WOULD YOU BE IN AN OVEN?! THAT IS DANGEROUS and I would be very concerned if you could fit in an oven.

Oh Ash. Props for not even waiting for the rose ceremony to get him off the show.

WHERE IS CHRIS. THIS IS BANANAS.

OMG- STOP I WITH THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUSAK. I cannot support this gimmick.

TAKE IT OFF!! (THE MASK- that is- OHMYGAWDJP IS HERE!)

Bentley- BENTLEY.

IT COULD BE WONDERFUL= the correct answer. IT COULD IN FACT BE WONDERFUL.

I cannot figure out what celebrity I think Super Hero Ryan looks like. I will find a celebrity for every person here.

That dress looks like it weighs a.lot.

I'm mentally building a rider for my own "Bachelorette" season. 1. No masks, no fangs, no drunkies, no Bentleys (people or vehicles).

HI JP.

I'm completely unbiased.

How does Ash remember all the names? I'm horrible at names- is there a hidden nametag somewhere on each guy?

THE JOSH GROBINS ARE IN.

SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN IS IN.

Are these pregnant pauses intentional or scheduled?

A CHRIS IS IN.

THE RYANS ARE IN.

Who had the job of cutting all these roses up? And do they get paid extra?

THE BENS ARE IN.

NORTHSOUTHEAST AND WEST ARE IN.

At&t/Wills lives for another day.

JP! I just thought of several international laws I'd gladly break for him.

FRASIERAMES IS IN.

Ugh, Bentlizzle is in. Vom.

I don't even remember Rob in the opening. Dang. Maybe if he had a gimmick?!

Oh, Jon. You'll be fine" You're tall, have sharp jawbones, and are gainfully employed. Man up. PLEASE DON'T CRY ON TV.

THE END OF THE ROAD: The Final Week of The Bachelor

2011-03-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

O.M.G.

I may be more nervous than Bwad. I think all my bodily functions are going to shut down. And we're just in the previews.

CAPE TOOOOOOOWN!

Man, ABC knows how to get some great scenic shots.

OMG. Brad cying when he sees his family. I'm already in tears. 115 more minutes to go.

HI. BRAD'S. BROTHER, CHAD. H.I.

[commercial break: I think my feet are cold, but my excitement/nerves makes it hard to tell].

Ugh, Chantel.

Awkward family hug time.

Chantel "I just felt that feeling that my parents always talked about... [and then I slapped him]."

I do not like anything Chantel is wearing. I can't put my finger on it, but I do not like this outfit. FAIL.

BRAD'S MOM!!! "How could you fall in love so quick?!"
--> You ask those questions, Mom!

For some reason, I expected Chantel's family meeting to take longer. I can't take 1.5 hours of commercials!!!!

"... if everything works out, I will marry her" ?!?!?!?#?&^*$%^&*Q Esssssscuse me, Bwad?! Chantel?!

[commercial break: Am I the last person to know Bradley Cooper had a movie coming out that was NOT "The Hangover 2?" .. Other acceptable names: "The Perpetual Hangover," "The Too Legit To Quit-Hangover," "The Uber-over"].

EM brought flowers for Brad's mom!!! Southern Belles KNOW.

Hell yeah, Em's more reserved. She's also about 75% less crazy.

Man Talk Time.

OMG BRAD JUST MARRY EMILY ALREADY.

SOUTHERN ACCENT OVERLOAD. OH MAH GAWD.

Brad's Mom is crying. And so is half of America. PICK EM!!!!! PICK EM!!!!! PICK EM!!!!!!

[These commercials are agonizing. Unless they're moving Brad closer to revealing his choice, I have no use for them. Unless it's a commercial for Beastly, in which case- I WILL GLADLY WATCH.

Shark Tank looks like a lot of crying and a lot of flying money. No thanks, I'll just watch Flava Flave].

FAMILY WANTS EM. CHECKMATE.

WORD OF THE NIGHT: POISED.

LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA, BRAD!!!!!!!!!

This preview is really stressing me out. EM!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!!

[commercial break: "The first Jello just for adults?!" I... What?!... Have we really hit that point in our national epicurean life where we need to make "adult" Jello and "kid" Jello?! Thanks for tainting my view of Jello!]

[Side note: IS IT FRIDAY YET?!]

I can already tell that I'm going to need a chaser to this show. Either something super mellow because I'm so happy (Brad picks Emily), or something super happy because I'm so sad (Brad picks Chantel).

I love that Brad's dates with Chantel involve epic quests. Like swimming with sharks, scuba-diving, flying through trees on a wire, etc. Em's dates are much more realistic and less fantastical: wine tasting, dinner in a secluded barn/island, etc.

Listen, I am not a professor of the shark, but there is nothing about this date that looks safe or wise. I don't understand why Brad couldn't find a relationship metaphor in an activity like, say, waiting in a long line to get seats for dinner.

My question is- would all that excitement with Chantel have to be initiated by you, Brad (or ABC), or is that something that she would bring to the table without needing to be prompted. No matter: PICK EM!!!!!!!!

[commercials are killing my soul: Soul Surfer!?!?! What is THIS NONSENSE?!?!?! Did we all forget about "Blue Crush" already?!]

Brad's gonna cry!!!

I saw you cop a feel, Chantel! I can't even hate.

ABC, Pleeeeeeeeeease stop with the commercials. You're killing me, Smalls.

OMG. My stress level just skyrocketed.

Insert obligatory Helicopter Ride.

I do NOT like this foreshadowing, Em. No. NO. NO!

[This John Freida blonde spray commercial is HORRIBLE. What happened? Did none of the original writers show up for the sit-down reading?]

I like that they're filming at a hotel called "The One and Only."

EMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEM!

THIS NIGHTTIME DATE IS MAKING ME NERVOUS. This is like Dentist Ashley's date. FIX IT EM! FIX IT RIGHT NOW!!!

Omg I'm going to cry/pee my pants. Please just end already.

Cue a lot of looking out of windows.

Take a shot to this word of the day: "REAL."

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG. I hate suspense. It stresses me out.

For a minute I though Neil Lane was Therapist Jamie and I screamed in glee. But then I realized who it was... Dah well, at least Neil brings pretty, shiny things I want to wear.

I think I'm going to vomit.

Ever wonder if Beyonce's "Single Ladies" was spawned from the first time Brad was on the show?

PLEEEEASE JUST TELL US ALREADY.

AGAIN, NOT NEARLY ENOUGH SHIRTLESS BRAD THIS SEASON.

I'm crying in anxiousness.

WHY COULDN'T YOU LOOK LIKE THAT THE ENTIRE SHOW, Chantel?!

I can't take this.

[Thank you, ABC, for showing me a black man who bungee-jumped and lived to talk about it. I learned something new today.]

Chantel's up first. I'm going to be sick. Just flash a "yes or no" across the screen!!!

OH. MAH. GAWD.

Brad wiping at Chantel's tears only makes it harder.

They do make a nice looking couple walking through the building.

OMG, the sad piano music is killing me. I'm sorry, Chantel, even though I can't stand you- heartbreak is never easy or fun. I hope your limo has a minibar.

OMG. EMILY. PLEASE PROPOSE. STOP THE COMMERCIALS.

[Even this Fancy Feast commercial has me bawling. Good Heavens, this show has destroyed me...

Can we discuss how much I DON'T care about Dana Dalaney's new show right now?!].

OMG. Brad. BRADLEY. You're so adorable.

OMG. This is must.see.tv. If you aren't a little misty-eyed during this montage right now, you need to check your pulse because you may be dead inside.

And: Scene.

AFTER THE ROSE Ceremony:

Too exhausted to care, Em & Brad are super cute, Chantel still cries despite having a boo, former Bacherlor/Bachelorette couples drop some knowledge on Brad and Em. Everyone claps, cue credit roll and adorable spying on Brad and Em as the show wraps.

Wanted: One Dancing Parrot

2011-03-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

I freely admit that I am not hip. I possess hips, but there is nothing about my actual person that is hip. I reserve the hipness for Whit.

So it should come as little surprise that Whit was all about Willow Smith's song "Whip My Hair," MONTHS before I could be bothered to care. Now that dangon song is stuck in my head.

Recently a friend of mine sent me this link- an "alternate" video made for the song. Ladies and gents: it is amaaaaaymaaay. It will make you real jealous of this parrot. I had a parrot when I was little and all he did was bite my finger and fly away. That was not nearly as entertaining or cool as this little fella.

P.S.: If the owner of said parrot is out there: there are like 5 years of Beyonce songs that you could film your parrot dancing to and I would gladly watch every last one. Thanksies.

BritandWhit

March Eyegasm: Reading Is Fundamental?

2011-03-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

For this month's Eyegasm, I thought we'd take a trip back to the days of good ol' fashioned books. But not just ANY books, oh no, these books are literary proses of art. What else would one expect from Urban Outfitters?

I hate Snuggies and I hate quasi-amorphous creatures in stereotypical colors. So naturally, I would find this:

And in case urbandictionary.com was not enough to help you, I present:

Brit&Whit

Down To The Wire: The Bachelor Final Episodes...

2011-03-02T18:27:00.000-08:00

SOUTH AFRICA!!!

MAN BAG!!!! OMG.

Obligatory NYC "lost in thought" shot.

How'd ABC get clearance to film on the flight?! I can't even bring unopened water through security!

And cue obligatory Chantel crying/beggin to go home.

NYC --> SOUTH AFRICA Flight= a GREAT time for a video montage of the season.

ABC totally ripped us women off this season. Bwad should have been shirtless for 90% of this sesason.

I'M A MUCH BETTER PERSON WHEN I'M WITH EMILY. Preach.

- -no comment even needed.

$10 bucks says they film only on a reservation. I read the news. I know what's up.

I'm pretty sure no "real new yorker" in NYC would bat an eye if an elephant just rolled by on the sidewalk.

[commercial for Dancing With The Stars= I know my friend Valerie just squealed out loud in her house].

BABY MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're in Africa, on a reservation. Yes, Chantel: you're going on a safari.

LION SLUMBER PARTY!!!!!!!! [WHY didn't ABC play ANY song from the Lion King?! Soundtrack fail].

This episode is one part Planet Earth + one part MTV's Singled Out

I just realized Chantel's not wearing her favorite tight Leopard-print dress. Plus 40 "Thank God" points.

[OMG BEASTLY COMMERCIAL. My excitement almost upturned my laptop.]

I like fidgety Bwad.

I also like that this fantasy suite note is from Chris! THE PIMP SPIRIT OF CHRIS LIVES.

A TREE HOUSE?!?!?! Does that thing have a roof?! ABC??!?!!?!?!?!!?! Chantel better put Bwad to work and have him chop down some gd trees and put a wall up on that sucker.

Paraphrase of Bwad: "Yeah, I just banged Chantel, but I'm REAL EXCITED TO SEE EMILY."

-- Oh, Bwad. At least you're honest.

HOLYMOTHEROFSIMBA. I'm kind of in love with that elephant. I wonder if she can "shake hands" with her trunk. Or "rollover," but without people on her back.

BABY ELEPHANTS!!!!!!

YOU ASK THOSE TOUGH QUESTIONS, Em. You Go. "Not asking about kids, I'm asking about my five-year old baby girl..."

I'm not sure I understand editing the wild elephants to overlap with Bwad's and Emily's kiss.

OH EM.

There is something kind of cad-ish about the "fantasy suite" scenario.

EM! Just a lady. Keep it slow. Hi-five.

I feel like Em looked at the camera men and said "oh, don't worry... y'all can stay here..."

BWAD!! PULL IT TOGETHER.

OMG. BWAD TOLD EMILY HE LOVED HER. I am shaking. This is must see tv. Please pick Em. She didn't have to take off her top (Ashley & Chantel), she didn't have to sleep with him in the open wilderness (Chantel), and she didn't have to pull any dramatics (Michelles). And he told her he loved her. Take note, Southern Belles know how it's done.

"I will take care of you." Oh, Bwad. You winner you. 500 "Man" points right there.

Bwad on South Africa: "It's a very large land filled with some very exotic animals." He is nothing if not astute.

Helicopters Galore. All these flight dates tell me that ABC must employ a stealth helicopter academy/army.

ASK THOSE TOUGH QUESTIONS, BWAD.

Ashley- when someone who lives in Texas asks you if you'd be willing to live anywhere other than Maine, and your answer is

Southern Maine? You need to pack your bags and go home. What about Southern North America, Ash?! Like Texas?

And the age difference comes out between Bwad and Ash...

Can we discuss what the big deal is about Ash being a dentist?! Why is everyone acting like she's training to be an astronaut?!

[Dancing with the Stars revealed!!! Season 12?! Has is really been that long?! Sugar Ray?! Who is Chelsea Kane?! Disney should have taken care of you. MASTER P's SON: ROMEO?! I just laughed so hard, I may have pulled muscle. I love that no one knew Ralph Macchio...]

For a New England girl, Ash says "like" with more conviction than a So-cal girl.

Time for some evening dinner awkwardness.

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE REASSURING, ASH. TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE.

Ash, you're talking in circles. And I'm female. Dig deeper, Ash.

You don't have a hard time explaining, Ash, you have a hard time making a decision. Faith is one thing, details and reality are another.

Don't shut down, Ash!! Fight!! You're almost at the end- This is gonna get serious and messy!!! Don't give up!

I think Ash is going home. This Fantasy Suite is about getting some frustrations out. And I don't think that involves any talking with Ash for Bwad. You can't cure this night with sex!!

ALL THIS SILENCE IS KILLING ME.

Oh, Bwad. You and Ash always take steps back- she's in a different place now.

Ok, Final half hour. I need to stretch and prepare.

I'm excited for whatever "gone rogue" moment Bwad has planned.

The bugs/audio backfeed during the Chris/Brad Man-time Chat were extra loud.

The DWTS graphics are a little too much. I'm already stressed out from the Bachelor, ABC! What more do you want from me?!

I accept this South Africa rejuvenation plan. Go job, ABC. And South Africa: first the World Cup, now: The Bachelor.

FIDGETY BRAD!!!!

I wonder if Em and Chantel O are wearing comfy heels- they might be standing for a while.

What happened?! Ash?! You did not step up to the plate- that's what happened! He's looking for a w.i.f.e.y. He's gotta ask serious questions. And so do you. When people don't ask those questions and then they jump into something as serious as marriage- they can end up in trouble down the road... And in divorce.

Send Ash home, my patience is out, Bwad. Ash does not communicate well with you. Also, she drank a lot. And she counted herself out EVERYTIME. At least crazy cougs Michelle was entertaining. Ash is just sad.

Is it surprising, Ash? You've been shaky this whole time- asking to go home, leading with your insecurity... And you never once talked with or to Brad about the two of you as a couple. You kind of glossed over the serious stuff and only focused on the shiny stuff, like the carnival date. So again I ask, are you really surprised?!

***

Oh noes, more Dancing cast stars revealed.

Where is Petra that she was too busy to attend the show she's going to dance on? And Mike Catherwood?! I was hoping for Dr. Drew.

OMG WENDY WILLIAMS. I hope they give her a mic while she dances. This is going to be explosive.

Oh Kristy Alley. Maybe she can get another JCraig endorsement out of this.

What the heck is this random Q&A?!

Kristy- is it really such a hard question to answer? WHY.DID.YOU.DO.THE.SHOW?! A.K.A.: Why are you 1) not at home for X hours a day doing nothing? OR 2) what are you currently doing to afford your lifestyle? Try answering those. You ninny.

I already want Alley off the show. Plus, maybe the Karate Kid can incorporate "wash on, wash off" into a dance. ABC, you may have me hooked on Monday nights, yet again. We'll see.

***

NON-ROSE ROSE CEREMONY:

Ugh, Chantel.

HIPPOS! I love that deep down, you KNOW Emily can't stand Chantel.

***

PREVIEWS OF THE NEXT TWO WEEKS:

I don't know if I want to watch the "angry b***hes after the same man-all in one room" special.

TWO WHOLE WEEKS UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE?!

[throws tantrum, flips over coffee table, walks out of room dragging laptop adapter cord after her.]

Brit&Whit

The Bachelor: Shizz is Getting Real, Yo.

2011-02-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm so nervous I want to vomit. Even Wheel of Fortune is stressing me out.

Holy cow, Wheel of Fortune is over. I'm so wound up that this Lion King show commercial almost made me cry/sing along. Out loud.

PREVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Followed by long moments of reflection by Bwad in NYC.

CHANTEL'S DATE:

Hi, unusually sunny Seattle.

Seems that Chantel being home has somehow made her voice absurdly high and peppy. Her face also looks differently from the first episode. Coincidences?

And of course she has a tiny dog. With a sweater. And a popped collar.

Boca's a player. Getting belly rubbed by Bwad all day? She knows what's up.

HOLY COW THIS HOUSE IS BIG! IS CHANTEL'S FAMILY A PART OF THE MAFIA?

Stop wearing that green shirt, Chantel.

How has Chantel not talked to her father beforehand? This father-to-daughter chat seems like it was edited a little too much.

MAN-TO-MAN TIME!!!

That statue looks like it should be in a museum. Again, WHO DID CHANTEL'S FAMILY OFF TO GET THAT HOUSE?!

Bwad's accent is EXTRA Southern. And I LOVE it.

Oh, Bwad... If you only knew that half of America has Daddy issues.

And here comes the tear show from Chantel. WOW- A WHOLE 26 minutes?! That's a new record!!

I think Chantel's dad is a little in love with Bwad. It's ok, join the club.

Where do you order doors that large?

ASHLEY'S DATE:

Conclusion: Ashley was totally a cheerleader growing up.

OMG- GET CLOSER TO ME SO I CAN TOUCH YOU?! YES SIR.

This hometown date wins for Bwad's language struggles alone.

It's also real comforting to know that gravy & starch are universal staples everywhere.

THE HONOR SYSTEM?! PAY IN THE BOX?! Ok, even I want to live in Mafrkjsddugosufhaofnwongthatch, Maine.

PHOTOSHOOT?!?! Adorbs. Ashley, hi.five. Bonus, I haven't seen an alcoholic drink in your hand yet! GOOD JOB!!

I LOVE Ashley's sister's facial expressions. ABC, please give her a tv show.

Dangonit, Ashley's got a drink.

I like Ashley's family WAY more than Chantel's. Look HOW FUN that dinner was!!!!

Ash, you still need reassurance? You should totally focus on the bigger questions!

Bwad, can you keep up with Ashley? Are you going to hold her back?! She's going to be a dentist, BWAD, not the President.

SISTER of the YEAR. You go to bat for your sister.

Why do all the girls have to watch his car drive away?

The previews for Shawntel's and Em's dates do not look good.

SHANTEL'S DATE:

OK, the funeral home ad is SUPER WEIRD.

Oh, Chico.

The Adams' Family music does not help.

Bwad looks bigtime spooked.

Don't show the crematory. WHY?!?!?!

Bwad, no one will fault you for not wanting to spend your life talking about death. No one.

Take note: the masoleum may be the most exciting part of Chico.

Stop talking, Shawntel. Scalpel? Drain tube? NONONONONO.

Isn't there a competing Funeral Parlour Family with a single man for Shawntel to date?

Shawntel is the first to actually mention something practical about moving to Austin, TX. She'd be a freelance funeral director.

Shawntel's family might kill Bwad for taking Shawntel away. At least they could take care of his funeral arrangements.

Father's comments about the family business= Awkward silence. This is must see tv.

Shawntel's dad is super guilt-trippy and there's a lot of talk about succession and take overs. For a minute, I thought I was watching the History Channel.

Interesting family seating arrangement, Newtons.

What I really want to know is how long that father-to-daugher conversation actually was. I highly doubt it was as short as what was aired.

OH NOES. EM's date. My blood pressure just shot through the roof.

REUNIONS!!!! WITH SOUTHERN ACCENTS!!!!!! Misty-eyes.

Ricky's looking less-than enthused about Bwad's visit. I kind of wish ABC would give her an extra hour to prep her child for the onslaught of cameras and chaos.

Bonus points to Bwad's patience.

A little girl running WITH THE BUTTERFLY KITE? Adorbs.

[The lead girl in this Old Navy commercial looks way too much like Kim Kardashian for my comfort level.]

PRETTY NC HOUSE!!

Mr. Brad?! Oh, Em, you are too cute. Please be my friend, like yesterday.

And Ricky made a card. Southern manners do not play.

Uh-oh, here comes the bad... BWAD! MAN UP AND KISS THE GIRL! Fail.

And Bwad's super nervous!!! This is so adorable. The only thing missing is Little Mermaid's "Kiss the Girl" song playing in the background.

"Brad Womack is not getting out of the door with out kissing me. That's for damn sure."

- God Bless you, Em. I'm almost in tears. THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!!!

INTIMATE ONE-ON_ONE TIME WITH HARRISON!!!

Brad in a suit?! Win. Men: Suits are ALWAYS a win. Also note the lapel cut is located very high up. This is the proper European-style and it says "I AM A BOSS."

"take-a-shot-to-this-phrase:" "REAL" and "DEEPER"

This rose ceremony is intense. I think Funeral Director may go home. If Bwad lets Em go, hope is lost. And a new Bacherlorette is found.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Wow Chantel, you brought out the big guns with the updo.

Why does Ashley already look mad/sad? PULL IT TOGETHER.

A long train of thought leads me to wonder what the "Euro" version of "The Bachelor" would look like.

SHAWNTEL!!!! Blame your dad and successions.

I love that New York City does not care about this show taping. [cue background/taxi cabs].

Dang. This is getting really real.

Congrats to Shawntel for a gracious exit. Ahem** Money, Michelle.

UP NEXT: SOUTH AFRICA!!

- Brit&Whit

The Bachelor: Everything's Better on an Island

2011-02-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure what it is about this season of The Bachelor that has me hooked. It might be Brad- hot, built, southern, makes real observations, tall, has a British therapist, hot, etc…

It might be these kooky ass women- who could forget Madison the vampire girl?

It might be a helicopter in damn near every episode. Whatever it is, The Bachelor is my new crack. This week Brad and the girls are in Anguilla and shit is about to get real.

“Sweeter than a peach rolled in brown sugar and maple syrup” Emily nabbed the first one-on-one date. They fly off to a private island (helicopter, check). I’ll let that set in for a minute…

THEY FLY TO A PRIVATE ISLAND. For a picnic. At sunset. So romantic!

Whenever Brad and Emily have one-on-one time they always end up talking about some deeply emotional thing that she’s dealing with. That’s great and all, but at some point Brad is gonna be like, do I like this girl because I have a connection with her or do I just feel for her because of all this baggage/intensity? Emily is awesome to be sure- she’s gorgeous, cute Southern accent, child bearing age, super nice… but she has a lot of shit to deal with. Like a dead fiancé and his kid. I have to commend Brad for making her feel as comfortable as possible though. It’s like watching a horse handler feed his prize stallion hand washed carrots. Brad breaks the rules and tells Emily she’s getting a rose for hometown dates next week. Surprised? Not really.

Shawntel gets the next solo date. They go to a local marketplace (cheap ass producers) which happens to be her favorite kind of date (yay for her I guess). They happen to stumble across a domino game and start slappin bones with the natives. Brad is charming. Shawntel is pretty. They have lunch next to some baby goats. It’s cute. That night they have dinner and make out on some kind of boat/deck. They talk about their parents, which Brad doesn’t talk about even with his brothers. They’re both wearing purple, my favorite color. Then Brad is like SURPRISE: Banky Banks concert. I’m sure Shawntel is a reggae fan (?)

Doesn’t matter, it’s just music to make out to.

Next date card arrives: Britt gets a solo date. Michelle says something bitchy.

BACK TO SHAWNTEL’S MAKEOUT SESSION/CONCERT- Clothes start coming off in the middle of the concert and they decide to go for a nighttime swim. Random, but sexy.

Britt gets the next solo date and the producers finally find a mode of transportation to trump the helicopter- A MILLION DOLLAR YACHT.

“You’re gonna use the yacht on Britt? Seems like a waste of a one-on-one if you ask me.” –half-cougar Michelle

I couldn’t agree more cougs.

Little Bay is easily one of the most beautiful places on the planet. This date has definitely been wasted on Britt, who is blander than water flavored oatmeal.

Brad and Britt do some rock diving. Britt is scared and bony. After seeing Brad shirtless/in swim trunks, I would have taken a swan dive off the Empire State Building to get into that water. And I don’t know how to swim. But that’s just me.

After the dive Britt and Brad sit around on the Bay. Britt is talking and Brad looks bored as shit. And then he says “We’re in the most romantic place and the world and I have no urge to grab her and kiss her.” BECAUSE SHE IS BEIGE ON A TAN WALL BRAD.

Dinner on the deck of the yacht- conversation descends to the weather. You’re in Anguilla. On a boat. In the middle of the ocean.

And you’re talking about the weather. -_0

And then the most awkward breakup speech begins…

“I think any man would be lucky to have you, you’re great, blah blah, I don’t see a future with you.”

Britt attempts to take back the night and says she wants to keep dating him. WELL DUHHHH. It’s not really up to you Britt. Hit the bricks!! He didn’t have to get rid of her, but I guess if he knew he wasn’t gonna give her a rose, send her ass home. DUECES.

Britt gets sent back to the island on her own tiny boat. Has to face the women and tell them she’s going home. AWKWARD. The girls freak out. I’m barely concerned.

Time for the crack o’ dawn group date!!

Brad wakes the girls up in a white v neck t-shirt… Boner. The girls are doing a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot. The photographer looks like he molests children daily. Ashley is super cute and bouncy on the beach and then the photographer says – take your top off. She hesitates, but she does it. TELEVISION IS FOREVER PEOPLE.

Next up is Chantel who is all sexy beach siren. Does not hesitate to take her top off. Black bars are everywhere. Michelle busts out the gangster moves, decides she’s not going to get nakey and is like, I WANT TO DO A SHOOT WITH BRAD. And he says ok. I am flummoxed. How did she just do that? They make out with each other in the sand on the beach. Her milfy cougar boobs laid on his chest like ripe fruit. No need to get nekkid, AND she got to make out with Brad/make the other girls jealous. She knew what she was doing.

Awkward moment walking back from the beach cause Brad just made out with Michelle in front of Ashley and Chantel. Pause

BRAD IN THE WHITE SHORTS. HOT DAMN.

Brad notices the girls are upset and tries to course-correct. Takes Ashley aside and she is whiney and insecure as usual. He seriously spends 90 percent of his time with her reassuring her. BORED. NEXT GIRL.

I can’t even pay attention to what’s happening with the girls because Brad’s chest is like a big hotplate of love that I would like to rub against. SO CARVEY. WANT.

I kind of feel sorry for him on this date cause he’s juggling a lot of shit with these girls. Even if he hadn’t made out with Michelle they would have hated this date. SO WHAT’S WITH ALL THE CRYING? Sigh. It’s like cryfest insecurity jamboree 2011 in this bitch.

Brad gives Ashley the date rose and it’s supremely awkward. Chantel is upset. Michelle looks like she wants to burn the beach down. Chantel has a mini breakdown. BORED.

Sidenote- Chantel is by no means fat but she has thickened up since week 1. Maybe those extra ounces has her feeling even more unstable.

TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY! Brad decides to skip the cocktail party altogether. Bold move, granite pecs. The girls freak out. I’m barely concerned.

First rose goes to Emily as promised. Shawntel N. gets the 2^nd rose. I hate her dress. Does Chris Harrison really need to announce the final rose? I mean, there were 3 of them. 0_-

Chantel gets the final rose and looks relieved/put out for having to wait.

Michelle is going home and she’s pissed. She’s not talking to him, won’t let him touch her. Gets in the limo saying only 2 words to him- well, one word twice (the word was No). Her reign of crazy has finally come to an end. Her evil breasts of power couldn't save her. I can’t believe it.

Hometown dates next week! GET EXCITED.

Hope [Stays] Rekindled: More "Bachelor" Breakdowns For You!!

2011-02-01T20:27:00.001-08:00

This season may have just restored my faith in network television again. Let's not even waste time with setup: Here's Week 5.

PREVIEW:

S**T'S GETTING REAL. I'm so jazzed, I want to throw these chocolate covered pretzels across the room. AND A TWO ON ONE DATE!?!?!?!?! Thank you tv gods.

The girls: "WE'RE LEAVING LOS ANGELES?!!!! we get to see the outside world?! HUZZAH!!!"
--> They must be real couped up in that house to have that kind of reaction to Vegas. Whit and I have been going to Vegas since we were 4 and 5, respectively. We like it, but not Publishers-Clearing-House-Sweepstakes-Winner like it.

Michelle- I hope your luggage includes a shrink because I think Vegas will increase your craziness to Threat Level: Black Midnight.

Anyone else think Michelle's ring looks like a miniature trampoline?

Bwad really walks down the hotel halls like a cowboy. A changed man-cowboy that's been in therapy for THREE LONG YEARS.

I really like when Bwad or Chris talk to the girls like a football coach. "Clamp Down, ladies!!" "Lock it up!" "Score a field goal!!" "Hut! Hut! Hike!"

Chantel N. Looks less and less like a funeral director as the show progresses. Her stock plummeting in my book is in direct proportion to her increased attractiveness. Don't break stereotypes, Chantel. It's all we've got in this crazy world.

I can already tell by the previews of Emily on the racetrack that someone's going to be broken down tonight.

A DATE WITH THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR:

--> Bwad on Chantel N. "Everytime I'm around her she lights up." ... Bwad, I'm sure that if any woman were locked in isolation with 10-30 other girls to compete for one man, and let's say, Macaulay Culkin walked in... I can assure you, she'd light up over him too. It's called "testosterone breaks up all that estrogen."

--> HOW HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO VEGAS, CHANTEL N.?! Oh, you're from Chico? Nevermind.

--> Note: Bachelor shopping spree= great way to knock out everyone's holiday wish lists.

--> Do they allow Fendi on Funeral Directors?

--> OMG- I could fit into that white bag. WANT. Please don't go back to the hotel with all those other girls, Chantel. They'll cut you and rip your nice gifts up with their claws. Especially Michelle. Her eyebrows could cut glass.

--> Nooooo! Don't tell them about the date, Chantel!! They will strike at you in your sleep!! Why the show & tell? WHY?

--> "You're not a couple yet." Thanks, Marisa. You aren't either, but it seems you might have missed the memo on that.

--> I really like that these women proudly verbalize their emotions. Case in point: "I am very jealous." This is a far cry from the days of Jerry Springer or Maury when women would just beat each other down. Ergo: Social Progress.

--> The awkwardness between Bwad and the other girls while he waits for Chantel is gold. Super awkward, primetime tv gold.

--> Sometimes Bwad's hand gestures and vocal intonations remind me of George W. Bush. Also: Hank from King of the Hill.

--> Topics that don't have to come up over dinner on top of a Vegas hotel: embalming... Isn't there some kind of paperwork involved in your job, Chantel? TALK ABOUT THAT, CHANTEEZY. TALK ABOUT THAT.

--> And cue the cat. Of course.

--> "I cannot count the number of times I have looked to my left, at Chantel in this beautiful dress and thought to myself, 'I am a very lucky man.' [Bwad leans in and whispers to the camera: "I also thought: I WILL NEVER THINK ABOUT ROOFTOP DINNERS WITHOUT ALSO THINKING OF EMBALMING DEAD PEOPLE. ALSO: CATS NAMED PEACHES."]"

--> Ok, new theory: Chantel used the embalming talk to distract Bwad while she took off the hot high heels. A genius/gross distraction. Plus 5 "I-feel-your-female-pain" points.

--> Bwad enjoys picking Fuunnie Director up. I think the repeated test of gravity is a good basis for a strong relationship.

[DISNEYWORLD COMMERCIAL!! VALERIE!!!!!]

ASHLEY & ASHLEY TWO ON ONE SHOWDOWN, COMING UP!!

And cue tears. DID NONE OF THESE GIRLS WATCH AMERICAN GLADIATORS?!?! PULL UP YOUR ELBOW PADS AND GET TO WORK!!

OH NOES. Emily!!! Hold it together!

Michelle, the last thing I want to see you in is anything motorized and capable of fast speeds. I'd rather see you in something kind, soft and slow-moving. Like a koala's pouch.

"...so now I'm really curious as to what's going on in her head." Well, Bwad. Let's play a game of "Taboo," shall we? The word is "Emily," and the clues you can't use are "fiance," "race car driver," "nascar," "plane crash," "child," and "Bwad didn't listen to Emily on their wine-tasting date when she said my fiance died on the way to a racing event." And: GO!

Em: THAT IS A BIG RING.

Oh Em. [While crying]: "No I'm really excited!" AND YOU GOT IN THE CAR AND DROVE??!?! Super trooper. Plus 175 lifetime gangster points. In some circles, Emily is what one might call "a down-home chick." This means that she is a lovely lady who will hold you steady when times get tough, and you can take her on down home to meet your family.

The racetrack lights make me feel like I'm at a discoteca.

[I HATE this Matthew Perry commercial for Mr. Sunshine. Stop it, Chandler. Stop it right now.]

Are pools the only place you can have an "after party" these days?! Diversify locations, please!

YES Ally. Just because someone comes in having lost their fiance and then had a baby by that person, and then had to go on a date that forced that someone to face the very way her fiance died- that DOES means they get a little extra attention. You ninny.

I think Ally put in eye drops while Bwad was talking to Emily. We know your game, Ally. And we know you have big teeth. Get over yourself.

OMG- now Shantel. Cue EVERYONE'S insecurity issues x 4. You DROPPED THE L-Word?! Really?!?! [crickets]. Ugh. Shantel, you're about as stable as a wine glass on top of the San Andreas faultline.

Fact: Southern, English or Austrailian accents while using the word "baby" = mindgasmic.

YAY!! Ashley squared!!

RE: Date card: Chris, that was such a 2nd grade rhyme. I know you put off writing that until that last moment.

Say what you will about CRAYCRAY Michelle, she recognized an opportunity and RAN away with it. And she showed her work on the back of the test. A+. 45 teacher's pet points.

ALLY IS SUCH A DEBBY-DOWNER. I hope Michelle breaks her down. Like down to her mopey, depressed DNA.

THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN. Checkmate. Point: Emily.

OMG ASHLEY SHOWDOWN!!! KICK BOTH OF THEM OUT!!

--> Synchronized short skirts? Check. Sychronized hair down? Check. Synchronized walk? Check. Let the showdown begin.

--> Don't worry, Ashley S.- I don't know anyone who's body bends like that performer's. Namely because we all have these annoying things called bones and organs that get in the way.

--> This Cirque de Soleil date is awesome. It's like a barely-passed-government-standards amusement park ride.

--> "Take-a-drink-to-this-phrase" of the day?: "special connection" or "connection" in general.

--> Ashley S's starting to sound like Debbie-Downer Ally. Be on the look out for her teeth to increase in size. CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP.

--> Dear Producers, thank you for knowing Bwad's strengths and for understanding he can't do more than salute while being suspended in the air. Producers win.

--> I think Skitzo Ashley (H.) might be slightly bow-legged. Or maybe that's just her recovery walk from the harnesses.

--> Personally, I think both Ashley's have the personalities of wet cardboard, so this DOS-en-UNO is perfect. Good job all-around, Bwad.

--> Ashley H., please accept this rose and also go stretch to prepare for our performance in front of thousands of people who probably want to see the pros and not us.

--> Ashley S., have you ever been punched in either the stomach or heart?!

--> The security guy looking at the luggage was A SUPER DRAMATIC AND SUPER STRESSFUL MOMENT. Going forward, I will never set my suitcases down in a hall like that.

--> I would say "cue another Seal song," in honor of Ashley S's leaving, but I can't think of another one beyond "Kiss From A Rose." Womp, Womp, Womp.

--> Brad does really look like GI Joe. I feel this is not the first time he's worn that costume.

--> Playing sad Elvis for Ashley S's exit is INGENIUS EDITING. I'm pretty proud to be an American right now.

--> WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THAT GREEN BRACELET ON ASHELY S's WRIST SAYS?!?!!

[Commercial Tiiime: I just learned that Ricky Martin has a new cd/song out. Huh.]

Bwad, we BOTH know saying goodbye to Ashley S was not THAT difficult. But I'll humor you for the cameras.

Therapist JAMIEEEEEE! His psychic ability to know when Bwad would call is remarkable. I think he may be a super hero deep down.

Let me paraphrase a scene that just happened to illustrate why I like Therapist Jamie:

--> Bwad: "Hey man.. I just... I just feel real bad about kissing up on other womens and making breezies cry, yo. I don't wanna hurt my peeps no mo'."
--> Therapist Jamie [cue half-English, half-Inglewood, CA accent]: "Man up. Players are gonna play. And haters are gonna hate. Ballers are gonna ball, and shot callers are gonna shot call. That ain't got nothing to do- with what you came here to do. And that's the way it is."

--> Bwad: "Yeah, I gets what you're saying, but... it's just that it's taken me THREE LONG YEARS of therapy to prove to America that I ain't no douchebag anymore... And getting my mack on in front of mad groups of honeys is kinda impeding on my new image, yo."

--> Therapist Jamie: "Peep this knowledge, son. Everyone loves to be a part of a miracle. If you tell everyone that you've changed enough times, eventually they'll start to believe you. You came on this show (again) to lock you down a wifey. So get your mind right and get to it. As for your rep? It could be worse. You could be Ja Rule."

Therapist Jamie rolled up his sleeves. Fact: male forearms are an Achilles heel of mine. AND HE WORE A BLUE BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT?!?! Therapist Jamie: 500 bonus points of increased hotness to make up for my overwhelming general unattractedness to you.

Fact: I want to be the Bachelorette. And I want Therapist Jamie on my team. With sleeves rolled up, S'il vous plait.

The girls are psyching each other out. IT'S ABOUT DANG-ON TIME.

"I want to be here if anyone wants to talk." Essssscuse me, W.H.A.T.?!?!
--> I refuse to believe I heard that line correctly. Moving on.

Bwad, you lose 300 points for apologizing for explaining talking to Emily. Especially to Shantel who cries more than a neglected Nano Baby. Kick Shantel out because she is an emotional vampire. Also: she slapped you "on behalf of America." On the first show. Many a Lifetime movie has taught us that a relationship built on domestic violence will always end badly. Always.

"Ally deserves to feel special"?!?! No. Wrong, Bwad. She deserves to go home because she will crumple at the slightest sign of gray clouds in the sky. And her front teeth will get in the way. Not wifey material.

My dislike of Marisa has tripled during this episode. There isn't even one specific reason for it. It's just a physical reaction to her existence at this point. But I worry that her demonstration of her abilities to read and write will keep her around for another episode or two. Dangit.

Michelle SHUT THE DOOR?! www.doingthingslikeaboss.com
--> I'm already pumped for her pep-talk. If she were a queen in medieval times, she'd totally cost a bunch of people their heads. I also really like her nail polish. Yahtzee.

RE: Michelle's shut-the-door power move: In the words of the wise rapper, Fabulous: "Recgonize game, before game recognize you." T.R.U.F.

VEGAS ROSE SHOW!!

--> Dammit, Ally's still in. Ugh. She's slowing the ship down, Brad. Toss her overboard before she takes everyone down with her!

--> BRIT?!?! REALLY, BWAD!?! She's like the American Idol audience internet pity vote. Vom.

--> Jackie?! This is getting good!!! Shantel must be getting real fidgety.

--> I don't even know the name of the other girl besides Marisa. That means she needed to go.

--> LISA! That's her name! How old is she? 19? 33? Who ever knew!?! Also: I dislike her nail polish. Another reason she had to go. And she looked too much like the Canadian spy whose life was spared at the end of Quantum of Solace. At least Marisa's nail polish matched her outfit. And she looked nothing like anyone near my Daniel Craig. Good job not letting Marisa's "I wrote you these notes"/last ditch effort fool you, B-Money.

--> Dang. These girls have to go home in shame AND in a Vegas cab. Rejection double-slap.

PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK:

--> JUST WHO'S SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING THERE, SHANTEL?!?!

--> DANG EMILY. This preview has me real stressed out. No matter what, I've decided you will be the next Bachelorette. Do you, Em. Do you.

--> ZEBRAS!!!!! AND SHARKS?!?! Emmy. At least a Golden Globe. Suck on that NatGeo Channel.

--> OMG, Shantel, you ask to go home EVERY SINGLE episode. I hope you get your wish granted. Like, REAL SOON. Because I don't like your whining and I reeeeally want to send you home. Thanksies.

B

Everything You Need To Know About The Bachelor: Speed Hilarity Edition

2011-01-24T20:55:00.000-08:00

Okokokokok. I admit it: back when I was but a wee pup, I used to watch the Bachelor.

I put my Women' Studies 147 section book down, grabbed a pillow and some ice cream and sat down to watch the Bachelor. My friends and I would pick our favorite girls amongst the harem, decide just how much we actually liked the Bachelor, sigh at the awesome dates, gasp at the "no-she-didn't!" moments, and get a little misty-eyed when Camera man Z47 caught a romantic moment between Bachelor and Perfect Girl.

But once Trista picked Ryan the Firefighter (and if you know anything about me, you know how I feel about those of the fuego profession), the Bachelor got kind of weird. Commercial pilots became Law & Order extras disguised-as-pilots, people started leaving Facebook for love, and all the womens walked away with no roses!

It was four-much.

But then something happened. Someone planted a brain ninja in me.

In one (ok, maybe more like 17) conversation(s) with the Val, she mentioned someone had fangs. FANGS?! WHAT?>@#%&^&*^$% How?! This had to be a lie. (Or not, as I recall one opening season episode of the Bachelor where one girl turned herself into a pretzel on the floor as a nuveau handshake for the bachelor (also in that episode: one girl talked about her scars. It was real weird, yo))... Also: there was supposed to be a crazy girl on the show. A real-life "Rock-of-Love" crazy girl on the show.

I fought it so hard. I told myself i would not watch. And I didn't. For a whole 3-4 weeks. But then the temperature in the city dropped to 8 degrees as I was heading to work this morning and I said:

"You know what? I'm going to live on the edge. I'm going to give Bwad and this season a try."

And so I did. And it was TOTES the best decision I've made so far this week (So what if it's only Monday. "So What?! Who cares?!")

And so without further ado, and without much real explanation of the scenes or episode set up, I present to you: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE BACHELOR through last week's episode (I was too busy catching up to watch tonight's... "so what?! Who cares?!")

***********

TRAIN?!?! LMAO- MEEEEEET VIRGINIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHERE ARE MY DROPS OF JUPITER?!?!!?! [SLAPS VASE OF FLOWERS OFF TABLE. WALKS OUT. SLAMS DOOR.]

Michelle is ultra- CRAYCRAY and omg: "it's my birthday."

Megan should never wear that pink dress.

I think Michelle could totally be that mom that kills another soccer kid's mom over a scored goal.

OMG SEAL IS OFFICIALLY THE BIGGEST PIMP EVER. HE WILL STRETCH THAT SONG OUT FOR.EVER. THESE YOUNG'INS COULD LEARN FROM HIM.

-- also I think seal is wearing flip flops (unprofesh for primetime, Seal. Did Heidi teach you NOTHING?!)

These dates are like the improved version of Monopoly. Like Monopoly WORLD edition with the gangster new game pieces.

Ashley's (S.) date reminds me of the importance of waterproof mascara.

"The card says 'love hurts,' but what really hurts is being on this date with these other women." -- I hope Michelle has some Latina in her. She is a lifetime movie just DYING to happen.

This show has also taught me that I need more high heels. Like KIMORA LEE SIMMONS MORE.

Re: action date:

-->there is a shot that makes me believe Brad stuffs his shirt right at the bicep area.

-->this action scene is so cheesetastic I almost peed my pants. HOMYGAWD.

-->some of these girls are working really hard to be jazzed about this date.

-->is it racist that "Steven Ho" is the action stunt coordinator? Why not Jet Li? Or Samuel L. Jackson?!

I love Ally for understanding the struggle of nerves over pit stains in front of guys. 5 bonus points.

"*B**ches are going down today"- LMAO. Oh, Michelle, ever the quotester.

CHANTEL, THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR, FOR THE GOLD!

There is a LOT of drinking going on.

OMG EVERYONE CRIES. And EVERYONE HAS DADDY ISSUES. [cue Christina Aguilera's "I'm Okay"].

I LOVE the dramatic curtain closing on Brad and Chantel's make-out fest (NON-FUNERAL DIRECTOR. AH! CAPS!).

OMGPLEASEPICKEMILY.DISCARDMICHELLEPOSTHASTE.

Wow- MICHELLE- TOTAL COCKBLOCKER. We would fight constantly. Omg Michelle is crying about being a horrible mother for leaving her daughter. On behalf of America: I agree. I hope it's not her birthday again.

I hope Emily's date knocks Michelle out of BWAD''s memory banks.

I love that he gave the funeral director her rose in private. BUSINESS.

YOU CAN'T HATE MOTHER THERESA. that is CORRECT.

OK: I'M IN LOVE WITH EMILY.

WHY DOES JAMIE (Bwad's counselor/therapist/only friend in LA without boobs) HAVE AN ACCENT IN LA?!?! This is so confusing.

ALLY HAS REAL BIG FRONT TEETH.

CAMERAMAN SHADOW!!!! [Fired.]

I like this Bwad kid- apologizing left and right without being asked. And without the audience really knowing why. I see he's learned a lot.

OMG, MICHELLE IS BACK.

OMG- LIGHTBULB: Michelle: "we're in our first fight." I think this explains why guys play so many games. BECAUSE THEY'VE MET THEIR OWN "MICHELLE'S." [this thought has changed the game in my own personal life].

The redhead/ginger looks like Jessica Simpson!!!! JESSICA GINGER!

MAAAAAAAAAADISONNNNNNNNNN!!

There are some AWESOME EARRINGS GOING on in this rose ceremony. Hope they didn't cost a savings. [*Ahem, Michelle, ex-waitress from Florida].

MINORITY SPOTTING.... Which means she's going to go home.

LAST ROSE! Thank you, Chris, for pointing out the obvs. In case my own eyesight and ability to count could not help me here.

STACY, THE QUASI-MINORITY IS IN!!!!!! HOPE IS RE-KINDLED!!

Whoa- Kimberly pulled a Jerkyl & Hyde at the end... Also: SOMEONE did nawt get the waterproof mascara memo.

El fin.

B

Lindsey, Pull Your Shit Together

2010-06-08T22:24:00.001-07:00

Lindsey, I understand that you did not want to advertise your problems with the law at the most auspicious of occasions- the MTV Movie Awards; and despite your "I don't have my passport because it was lost and stolen so I figured I would go to a couple night clubs with my mom and then I left my homework on the back of the bus" song and dance in Cannes a couple weeks ago I think you would like people to think of you as a "celebrity" deserving of dignity and money and lead parts in made for tv movies.

I understand that you want to come out and show people that you're not going to let a little thing like a state mandated blood alcohol level monitoring device slow you down.

I even understand that you refuse to let your natural hair color win.

But what I don't understand is of all of the ankle length apparel you could have chosen to wear, you wore this:

Why Lindsey? Why? A spangled, poorly tailored, drop-crotched onesie? You didn't have any designer bell-bottom leggings from your couture legging line available? I just cannot abide this.

Everyone already thinks you are coke-addicted, talentless mess. Even before this SCRAM nonsense you were runnin' around with "baby powder" on your face, tripping on air and your clunky ass shoes, flashin your vag on every day that ended in 'y'. Did you really think this ensemble would do anything to favor your image?

AND WHAT IS THAT SHIT AROUND YOUR EYES? Were you trying to use shoe polish to grease your monitor off your ankle and then rubbed your eye when the polish started stinging them?! Again, how does any of this help you look LESS like a coke whore?

The grand finale of this tour de shit were your pancake tits cleaving to the sides of your body like they hate each other. AND THEY PROBABLY DO. If I had to be attached to this LiLo I would hate myself and everything around me.

Remember what you used to look like Lindsey? When your hair was red and so so shiny and everything on your face looked like it was there on purpose and not snatched off of a blow up doll?

Here's a reminder:

Adorable! Clean! Can memorize and deliver lines! Can we please have this Lindsey back? The Lindsey who actually did constructive things with her life and made movies that were watchable? That was- dare I say it- somewhat of a role model?!

Look, I know your dad has the brain of a rat-weasel and your mom makes those 'toddlers and tiaras' moms look like Claire Huxtable, but at some point you are going to have to take responsibility for the lines of coke we all know you snort and that 9th shot of grey goose that somehow makes its way down your ginger throat. Also, your complete lack of fashion sense and general tackiness (whether you're dressing yourself or designing for others- the thought of which makes me simultaneously cringe, laugh, and scowl with disappointment).

LiLo, you've been to rehab twice. Even Brit Brit has managed to pull it together somewhat (I'll get to her in another post I'm sure). Please please please either stop being SO visually offensive or remove yourself from the scene entirely. When the Jersey Shore kids and Michelle "Hot Mess" Rodriguez can show you up BE.CONCERNED.

I CALL CITIZEN'S ARREST!

2010-06-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

On behalf of America, Whit and I would like to issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST for each of the following people:

1. TILA TEQUILA

Oh Ms. Tequila, I have so many questions for you. What do you do to make an actual living? Why do people support you in doing it? Do you actually still use Myspace? Where are or were your parents? Do you need a "sanity sponsor?"... and last but not least: "Why would you FAKE a suicide attempt (not your first threat, if memory serves correctly) and put it on a website known for restricting customers to 140 words or less? As the elder women in my childhood church would say, "You need Jesus, child."

2. LINDSAY LOHAN
This hot mess deserves her own entry. Stay tuned [tag teams Whit].

3. PARIS HILTON
WHY WON'T YOU GO AWAY?! Remember in Men in Black when Will Smith's character talked about how cockroaches never die out? You're worse than that! Please, for the love of useless rich women everywhere, GO.AWAY.

4. JESSE JAMES
You know what (and who) you did.

5. GARY COLEMAN'S WIFE/MURDERER
I believe Whit said it best: "THIS B*TCH IS SUSPECT."

In what is rapidly shaping up to be the craziest mock trial case to ever hit high schools and colleges across the nation, the "did she/didn't she" act that is Shannon Price needs to have its plug pulled. Now granted that Whit and I lack the experience of having committed any felonies, even we know that Price may just be the worst.killer.ever. After taking Gary off life support, she naturally decides to give an interview to TMZ (The Mother of all that is Zany) to proclaim her sorrow/innocence/love of the car he bought her voluntarily, only to follow that up with immediately appearances on daytime tv shows... WHAT?! WHY?!

Alls I knows is that I've seen a lot of Law & Orders and CSI's and this b*tch is indeed looking awful suspect.

6. KEESHA, sorry, "KE$HA"

While Whit seems to be fond of your song, I can't STAND you and your two-bit tramp act. So you took the time to realize the "S" in your name looked like a dollar sign. B.F.D. Stop wearing the day-glo body paint you found in your mom's attic and singing lyrics as complex as the english alphabet, and join the real world you b-rated Cascada. GD millennium hipsters.

If you find yourself in the vicinity of any of the aforementioned people, please follow this wikihow guide to conduct a Citizen's Arrest. America will thank you.

Thoughts on Clash of the Titans

2010-04-05T14:16:00.001-07:00

I've always loved Greek Mythology and stories about "ancient times". The scandalous ways of the Gods, bastard demigod love children, mutant creatures, religious guilt and persecution, tawdry affairs, jealousy, murder! It's like the ultimate soap opera on meth and bi-polar disorder meds.

The original Clash of the Titans with Harry Hamlin as Perseus is by today's standards cheesy, poorly written, and full of super lame special effects. It definitely did not stand the test of time, but when I was nine-years-old and my mythology addiction was in full swing, it was in my top 5 movies ever made. The original CotT played out all of the adventure, romance, angst, and glory of the story of Perseus in a fun and very memorable way. The 2010 version had a lot to live up to in my book.

Let me just say that I am not now, nor have I ever been behind 'modern' or Hollywood remakes(and especially not in 3D). I also rarely support film adaptations of books. For one thing, no one really knows what 'modern' means anymore- it's just a bullshit term for "not old"; and for another, remakes are generally shittier, dumber, and less interesting than the original. I wouldn't go so far to say that the 2010 Clash of the Titans is worse than the original (cause it'd basically have to be a musical starring Miley Cyrus, directed by Michael Bay, and produced by MTV to be worse than the original), but I can say that I will not be all snugly and embracey with it.

FIRST AND FOREMOST- SAM WORTHINGTON CANNOT ACT. He was terrible in Avatar and he's even worst in CotT. I WOULD HAVE MADE A BETTER/MORE CONVINCING PERSEUS. He has the emotional depth of a cantaloupe, relies WAY too much on his looks (which by Hollywood standards are not that remarkable), and can't hide his Aussie accent to save his life. His portrayal of a hero is a cliched, lazy mash-up of whatever "meathead with a grudge" characters Bruce Willis, Mark Wahlberg, and Paul Walker have already played to death. Sometimes I think his face is botoxed because it conveys no emotions whatsoever- conflicted, excited, heart-broken- all the same. It's that or he just doesn't give a shit. Either way, he makes Steven Seagal look like Robert De Niro. And who green lit Sam having the same buzz cut in Avatar for this movie too? In what world does that make sense?

Secondly, the film contained few, if any surprises. We all know about Medusa, big scary Kraken, and the pettiness/rivalries of the Gods (or at least I do). Simply adding lens flares whenever possible and making shit "look cool" does not qualify good film-making or a worthy remake. Minimal character development, fairly watery plot, and only one shout out to the original with Athena's owl, Bubo (and everyone who has seen the original knows Bubo was the shit). Weak. Sauce.

Lastly, why is it that the female characters in action movies are basically fucking useless? I understand that the point of these stories is to glorify the masculine ideal hero, but for fuck's sake, is it too much to ask that the women not be either grotesque witches, helpless princesses, or glorified sex objects (see 300- the queen was awesome)?

As a fun throw away film it's okay. As a special-effects driven action/adventure movie it's okay (no need to see it in 3D). As a remake of one of my favorite childhood movies it's a goddamn American tragedy.

So How 'Bout That Avatar!

2010-02-08T11:33:00.001-08:00

So I finally got around to seeing Avatar- I know I'm like a million years late, but all of you seem to forget on the inside I am a hundred year old woman. So here goes, my thoughts on Avatar...

I did not want to see it in 3-D because those glasses give me a headache and usually after the first few minutes your eyes adjust and it's not all "ooohhhh, ahhhhh" anymore so it's not worth paying an extra $10 especially in these economic times. However a regular 2pm matinee at my local cheapo theater was more than sufficient.

The special effects were very cool and I did appreciate all the hours those cgi folks must have logged to make that fiber optic tree and all those phosphorescent forest creatures and that whirly bird lizard/bug thing and all them damn braids and hair shizz the Na'vi were wearing. And if you read my status from yesterday, of course you know that I would love some sort of biological USB braid thing to plug into trees and dragons and shit.

But at the end of the day, the effects did not make up for a bad cliched story, Sam Worthington's piss poor acting (I found him stunted, annoying, and hardly the endearing rogue cripple they tried to make him out to be. Also he has the acting range of a drunk frat boy version of Keanu Reeves), and the billions of dollars it took to make what adds up to a sparkly turd of a movie. And was I the only one that thought Sigourney did got a throwaway part that was a bad use of her actual talent and a script that was flatter than her 60-year old chest? AND WTF WAS THAT STANFORD TEE/TANK KHAKI SHORTS NIGHTMARE HER AVATAR WAS WEARING? GROSS.

I tried to go in without any expectations but even as a fun disposable movie, it just doesn't hold up for me and I never need to see it again. I know once it gets released to TNT or TBS it will be played on repeat all weekend, but I would actually rather watch Jumanji, or Labyrinth, or The Care Bears Movie (which had a more complex plot/story structure and somehow better voice-over work than Avatar).

So to summarize, Avatar was basically like if Dances With Wolves had sex with Ferngully in a Lisa Frank-themed hotel room on Venus while watching Star Wars/Planet of the Apes simultaneously in split screen on an LED light framed 3D plasma tv and John Smith from Pocahontas filmed it, then George Lucas produced it, then NOVA made a made for tv movie about it and the profits were donated to rain forest preservation research.

But what do I know? I hated Crash AND Moulin Rouge. It's gonna get like 70 Oscars.

Trailer of Life Review the VMAs over 3 Aim Conversations. Enjoy.

2009-09-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

On Kanye West’s Outburst

Whit: So, Kanye West grabbed a mic away from taylor swift at the vmas

Brit: don’t need candles and cake (singing Birthday Sex to me over aim)

Brit: i heard

Brit: thru EVERYONE's FBook status

Brit: such a fucking martyr

Whit: that's some niggerish shit

Brit: he is OBVS not dating the right woman

Brit: really

Brit: just rude

Brit: and TAYLOR SWIFT?!

Whit: i mean, yes Beyonce is better, do you need to announce that? no you don't

Brit: that's like kicking a kitten

Whit: over a fucking vma

Brit: OK

Whit: lmao

Brit: mtv is hanging on to it's relevancy by a thread

Whit: really, right around jackass/punked

Whit: i was like, ok, done

Whit: and all those real word kids can die

Brit: yes

Brit: kanye's an idiot

Brit: it's fuckign taylor swift, KANYE

Brit: way to ease race relations

On Tracy Morgan, Lady Gaga, and Twilight kids

Whit: Tracy Morgan sang time after time

Whit: please tell me you have seen this

Brit: no

Whit: http://www.tvrotsyourmindgrapes.com/1754/tracy-morgan-on-the-video-music-awards

Brit: “i can be tracy gaga”

Brit: “who can train a prodigy?!”

Brit: Tracy.

Brit: “4hours & 26 mins”

Brit: “you already cried 4 times”

Brit: time after time

Brit: AND STILL HE SOUNDS BETTER THAN KIM FROM REAOLHOUSEWIVESOFATL

Brit: why is eminem's voice all hella low?!

Brit: em?!

Brit: can we discss what the FUCK lady gaga was wearing?!?!

Brit: TRACY?!! STOP SINGING

Brit: she changed costumes too many times for someone who was ONLY a nominee and not a presenter or an important person

Whit: she's ridiculous

Whit: and obscene

Brit: all those damn face masks

Brit: we get it lady gaga, you dont have the prettiest face on the block

Brit: you know what won't help hide that?

Brit: you wearing fuglier-than life hear gear

Whit: i'm glad someone fixed k.stew's (Kristen Stewart) hair

Whit: it was lookin pretty trashy

Whit: and omg, taylor lautner

Whit: so rapeable

Whit: i mean, you stand him next to robert and it's not even fair

Brit: lmao

Brit: he wanted that job

Brit: went to the gym

Brit: prolly slept there

Whit: he gained 30 lbs of muscle

Whit: THIRTY POUNDS OF MUSCLE

Brit: i dont know what that means

Brit: why are you yelling at me?

Whit: exactly

Brit: rotflmao

Brit: he recognized game

Whit: the statement demands to be shouted

Whit: he is 17

Whit: dealing with a player true

Brit: lmao

On Jay-Z and Beyonce’s Performances

Brit: i havent seen this jay-z performance but i LOVE that alicia is on this

me: they were both good

Whit: jay z makes me kinda bored tho

Brit: akeys skin was all ethereal and shit

Brit: i think the vmas is the only acceptable place i'd want to see jay-z

Whit: i hated her hair tho

Brit: maybe the garden

Whit: she looked like a horse

Brit: b/c people be acting hella niggerish at rap concerts

Brit: yeah, not wild about it, she has this weird "i'm in heels" walk that i just want to slap out of her

Brit: beyonce was r.oc.k.i.n.g. out

Brit: god bless her tho

Brit: i'd be doing the same

Brit: who is the random girl on stage?

Brit: i hope that's his kid or something

Whit: lil mama

Whit: no one has any idea why she was there

Brit: UGH

Whit: i know

Brit: fucking party crasher

Brit: vomit all over that

Brit: now onto the beyonce mess i KNOW she called a performance

Whit: have you seen madonna's speech?

Brit: caught a piece of it

Whit: beyonce’s performance was single ladiesx1000

Brit: i cant wait for this leotard/no-pants fashion bullshit to die a fiery death

Brit: i want a refund on that opening, beyonce

Brit: ever wonder if tina turner is sitting at home thinking of ways to check miss b?

Brit: there is WAY too much crotch in this performance, beyonce knowles

Brit: why did she pick the most tone death person in america to play "sing-a-long" with?

Brit: "ladies put your hand in his face?"

Brit: that is HORRIBLE ADVICE

Brit: that's what got rihanna beat down

Brit: I DO LOVE THIS ABSURD HAIR FLIP/DANCE MOVE

Brit: SO RIDIC

Brit: this whole dance is the sum total of every little black girl in america

Whit: LMAO

Whit: yup

Whit: Pretty much

Brit: just all attitude, in-you-face dance moves, bling, and hair flipping

Brit: and neck snapping

Whit: black girl attitude is 45% neck

Brit: OK

Brit:15% hand moves

Brit:120% sass. i will say this- watching beyonce performances always leave the audience as tired as she is at the end

Brit: fucking soul-train dance-a-thon for the cure

Brit: “WHERE MY RING AT?!”

Brit: ROTFLMAO

Whit: i feel sorry for her dancers

Brit: ok? souls just worn down

Brit: probably couldn't walk for days after that

Brit: at least 5 are still unable to leave their homes and you know one of the girls in the back snapped her neck too hard that's just a given

On Pink’s Performance

Brit: do you know the name of pink's song at the awards

Whit: sober

Whit: she fucking sang while trapeezing!

Whit: do you know how hard that is?

Brit: LMAO

Whit: it's hard to sing on the ground

Brit: now that you ask, yes i do

Whit: let alone swinging through the air in some glitter

Whit: http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/435685/sober-live.jhtml#id=1518072

Brit: THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!

Brit: i like when she backrolls off the guy like she's chilling on a grassy knoll

Whit: my mouth was open the entire song

Whit: i thought she was going to do something more with the blindfold tho

Whit: i would like to be Pink's life friend

Brit: pink!!

Brit: she basically gave the artistic version of the middle finger to britney spears

Brit: like "oh, so you came back from rehab and didn't fall off stage while lipsynching?! I DON'T EVEN NEED A STAGE, BITCH!! I CAN PAINT MY TOES TOO!!!

Brit: but having the mic taped to her mouth must have sucked

Whit: lol

Brit: i want to kidnap her trapeze partner tho

Brit: I WANT HIM NEAR ME if i have to evacuate from atop a tall building

Brit: just not even sweating

Brit: throwing pink around in the air all easily

Brit: probably running through next week's grocery list in his mind

Whit: ha ha

Whit: he was hot

Whit: you know she had sex with him

Whit: i would have demanded it

Whit: i can't have you pulling me through the air unless i know you can fuck properly

Brit: really, and she landed as light as a fairy

Brit: done

Cookies vs. Chicken: The Showdown

2009-06-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

Whit and I do not just pride ourselves on our comedic talents, we pride ourselves on our intellectual abilities. Which is why we bring you today's epic intellectual battle to determine which "c" digestive reigns supreme. Please be warned that the following argument does get ugly. Brace yourselves...

Me: i love cookies, they are the perfect food

Whitney: bleh

me: they come in a pleasing and geometrically equal shape

they allow for a variety of flavors

and they pack such a tasty punch

Whitney: chicken is the perfect food

me: ugh... battle of the "c" digestives

Whitney: i don't like sweet! i like savory

me: well you're a punk! eat an apple cookie!

Whitney: and you have bad tastebuds

me: YOU HAVE BAD TASTEBUDS!

Whitney: eat an apple! freak

me: why? when i can have an apple cookie?!

Whitney: there is no substantial nourishment in a cookie

me: lies... all lies

Whitney: at least chicken can keep you alive... esp not the cookies you eat

me: yes, because there is nothing healthier than dead poultry deep-friend in cow lard and served 12 to a pack for $3.99

Whitney: which are probably just flour and sugar with some sort of garbage spinkled in... it's all in the preparation... i said chicken, not kfc

me: and i said COOKIES

Whitney: get your facts straight prosecutor! cookies ARE flour and sugar and sprinkled in crap! like chocolate and raisins...and m&ms

me: i'm unamused with your name calling

Whitney: and nuts and bullshit and it's hard

me: no

Whitney: and crumbly

me: they are soft... do you even bleed red blood?

Whitney: bananas... get out of my face angelica

me: ?

you will eat cookies the next time i see you and you will LIKE IT!!!!

*Both sides remain alive and unhurt. The same cannot be said for cookies and chicken worldwide.*

Espanol Con Rihanna: Donde Esta Mis Pantalones?

2009-01-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

You had my heart,

But pants won't keep us apart

Not in magazines, films,

Or on tv screens

Baby, 'cause in the dark

Is where i dress for the park

And that's when I need you there,

To tell me my pants aren't anywhere, because

When I'm outside, I don't wear pants:

I told you no, not now, not ever

Said you'd always be my friend-

I like big bloomers, so deal with it

Now that it's colder than ever,

I refuse to acknowledge winter

And prance around in my chonies,

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh

Donde esta mis pantalones?

Lones, lones, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...

Put on some pants, missy, it is too damn cold for all that. I understand that you may have been on a video shoot, and that if I were around JT, I'd also be wearing no pants, but that was not your first offense and you know it (also see: HERE, and HERE) Yes, money is tight everywhere, but it is NOT that tight and you know your mother raised you better than that. Also: lest you think that booty-shorts/granny panties/plaid leotards will become the new midriff t-shirt a la Britney Spears, circa 1999, just remember that what comes up must come down... Find your pants before you really have to check into rehab, cause shorts are your diseeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaasssse.

Thanks, glad we had this chat. El fin.

Images courtesy of disgust, google images, and riri's stylist.

Does the salad come with a side of baby panda?

2009-01-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

I believe that every living organism on this planet deserves respect. I don’t feel that animals should be tortured or made to live in unsanitary environments for humans to be able to consume them. However, I don’t see anything wrong with an animal being bred, raised in a healthy, open environment where they are well taken care of and then die for a purpose. And quite honestly, that’s a better deal than most of us get.

For example, take me- I bust my ass in high school taking advanced college prep courses to get into a decent state school (because I’m not rich enough, smart enough, or white enough to make it into an ivy league school) only to bust my ass for another four years to get a worthless degree (thank you University of Phoenix online for putting the bachelor’s degree on clearance) and gain twenty plus years of debt/weight. Enter into a lifeless economy and job market more pitiful than a wingless penguin. Sacrifice my dreams, health, and personal relationships for a job I can’t stand just to pay off my debt and feel some mediocre sense of accomplishment. Never be able to save enough to travel or further my education or buy the latest ipod. So I'll probably end up bullshitting around California for thirty or forty years while my ovaries shrivel up and turn to dust. Then I'll finally save enough to retire only to discover a lump in my breast and die before I can use my precious 401K or social security benefits that I will probably never see anyway.

So, would I rather be a fucking cow raised in the middle of the French countryside where I’m well fed and happy and maybe one day will become a nice fillet mignon or a Coach purse or some fucking awesome boots? YES! YES I WOULD!

So please, vegans/vegetarians/PETA people, if you don’t want to eat meat, be my guest. I'm sure there's a field of corn somewhere just waiting for you to dive right in! But don’t think that you get to act all smug and superior for being a veggie snorter or guilt me into not eating an animal that probably had a better life than I will. And don’t think that you not eating meat will really make a difference in the long run. For every animal you don’t eat, I will eat three. I have enough people just itching to make me feel inferior because I’m Black, or a woman, or overweight, or poor, or car less, or a virgin, or a nonsmoker, or because I don’t know how to swim or ride a bike, or whatever other bullshit reason people seem to find to one-up me. Take your damn tofu and shove it up your ass. There is so little pleasure in this world. If I happen to find some in a chicken nugget, then fuck you; I’m eating my nugget.

The Kanye Rejuvenation Plan

2009-01-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

Oh Kanye... Kanyeezee... The Louis Vuitton Don...

There used to be a time when I could flip through tv channels knowing that entertainment could be secured if I only avoided the CW network and Tyra's crazy ass. For the past two weeks, however, Mr. West has seen to it that every channel was filled with up-to-the-minute information on his thoughts, whereabouts, fixation on CAPS LOCK, white blood cell count, and so on. First Kanye had too many fans, then he wanted to be the next Dirk Diggler, then he wanted us to ogle his shiny new LV shoes, and now the Ye wants us to just LET HIM BE GREAT.

At first, I was shocked at myself (and at you, too!) for preventing Kanye from being the "GREAT" that he so desperately needs to be. Then I was confused. Was I one of the fans Kanye wanted to drop like a Rock of Love slut? Was it because I bought his albums, danced religiously to "Golddigger" in the club, or forgave him for an awkward week at work when he told America Bush didn't care about black people? Then confusion turned into sanger (sass and anger, kids) as I realized that what Mr. West really wanted was for someone to put him in his place. Well: Mission Accepted.

Kanye, you're in pain. You've had a rough year between breaking off an engagement and unexpectedly losing your mother. That's enough to drive anyone insane, but you? You're KANYE "Jesus-Walks-was-the-best-song-in-the-history-of-audio-recording" WEST. Black people look up to you for great music and clothing. White people look to you for insight into what black people look up to you for. Also: for your preppy clothing. After all the haters who dogged on your every move (Fiddy, the Grammys orchestra pit, novelty eyewear designers, etc.), you deserved a break. And what did you do instead? You slapped around some paparazzi, showed a flagrant disregard for the limits of Autotune (what studio engineers use to make Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, etc., sound in tune), and had the nerve to bring back the Jerry-curl on the day the first black president took office. NO MORE KANYE!! Enough is enough! You don't get to whore yourself around in the media like Dina Lohan one day, and then complain about all the attention the next! But it's going to be ok, Kanyizzle, because I've come up with a 15-step plan to help you have your cake and eat it too. I call it the "Kanye Rejuvenation Plan," and I really think you'll like it. And if you don't: I'll slap your hand with a ruler like a Catholic School nun until you sit up straight and LIKE IT.

KANYE REJUVENATION PLAN:

Step 1: Take a Kanye Timeout.

You need to take a year off and regroup because your acting up is annoyingly reminiscent of Tyra Banks when she thought the world cared about: 1) her views on Hillary Clinton 2) her breasts being real 3) how many famous people she knew 4) how much she weighed 5) her existence.

Step 2: Stop Reading All Those Gossip Stories About Yourself.

YAY!! Another black man that can read! We have a black president now, Kanye. You think YOU have critics?! Cry me a river. And sing along to Justin's song while you're at it since we all know how much you love it.

Step 3: Don't Use Your Blog to Defend Everything That You've Read (this can be particularly easy to accomplish by doing Step 2).

Learn a lesson that Beyonce has yet to grasp: media over-saturation does not make anyone care about you more. Sometimes less said is more meaningful, and sometimes no one cares about what is said to begin with so your rants fall on deaf ears and eyes.

Step 4: No more singing on your albums without proper vocal training.

Period. You have too much money for that crap.

Step 5: Indulge in Some Constructive AND Productive Hobbies.

See: cooking, knitting, jogging, ice-skating, recycling, etc.

Step 6: Resist the Urge to Come Out With Your Own Fashion Line- But Do Continue to Court Apprenticeships with Established Design Houses. Also: Restaurants are a no-no.

You're on the right track with your LV work, keep it up. Do NOT fall into the trap of JLo/Sweetface, Heidiwood, FUBU (do they still exist?), Vokal (Nelly, rapper), Madre's restaurant (JLo, again), Planet Hollywood (everyone), Fuman Skeeto (Chris Kirkpatrick, N*sync), and NYLA (Britney Spears). Do not try to convince us that because you like to wear clothes/like to eat, that you are qualified to design/cook. We know about that Pastelle line you've been threatening to release. Please refrain. Thanks.

Step 7: Please. Do. Not. Hang. Out. With. Model. Hoodrats.

Five reasons: Herpes, Chlamydia, Hepatitis, Syphilis, and HIV. No wifey you seek should have any experience with any one of those (*ahem**video**Pamela Anderson* )

Step 8: Do Maintain a Positive Place in the Spotlight by Returning Back to Basics.

Guest spots on some hot tracks for other people. It's what got you in the game, don't forget your roots.

Step 9: Become Affiliated with a Charity (if you have not already done so).

Giving back is the new black. Also, Mr. "less money means less responsibility": dealing with people less fortunate than you will reign in all that wild-n-out nonsense and result in a newer, more introspective you.

Step 10: Drop a New Album.

With your hobbies having been indulged in, charity work done, singing urges suppressed, and shenanigans curtailed: people will finally want to hear from Kanye 2.0. And you will deliver to great the fanfare and recognition you seek.

Step 11: Meet a Nice Young Lady.

Preferably you've done this before Step 10 so you can break her into your life and vice versa, but if not, all hope is not lost. Meet a nice young lady, and court her. This young lady should not be a model- she should be someone with one of them degrees you taunt so mercilessly, and a career independent of yours. Or at least equivalent experience. She must be no one that would ever be featured on your blogs/in your videos, and be a person of substance who will challenge you and put you in your place.

Step 12: Enter Into a Long-Term Relationship or Non-marriage Marriage with Said Lady.

"This is a man's world, but it wouldn't be nothin' without a woman or a girl..."

James Brown knew what you would be missing: the steadying, calming force of a good woman in your life. Brad has Angie. Will has Jada. David Bowie has Iman. Stedman has Oprah. Barack has Michelle. You are looking for your own Michelle Obama. Do not settle for cheap, tawdry, and empty-headed. You may thank me later.

Step 13: Indulge in Your Own "Family Business."

Namely reproduction. See Gwen Stefani, Victoria Beckham, Brad & Angie, the Obamas, and the Pinkett-Smiths.

Step 14: Rinse and Repeat Steps 1-10... for 10-30 years.

Consistency is the name of the game, LVDon, and consistency you shall practice.

Step 15: Limit the Amount of Times You Repeat Step 11, While Maintaining the Relationship from Step 12.

"I ain't saying she's a golddigger.. but she ain't looking for no broke n-----..."

Take the time to find a catch and hang on to her once you do...

In conclusion:

Kanye, I forgive you. I acknowledge your actions as acting out against some personal turmoil you have been battling, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world will be so kind. The floors of music history are littered with the shattered dreams of rapping stars that have fallen: Lauren Hill (and the Fugees, for that matter), Chingy, Fabulous, Montell Jordan, Eminem (still might have a chance, though), JA-RULE (He should be what you seek to be the EXACT opposite of), Mace/Rev. Mace, Mike Jones, etc. You cannot afford to join them.

This string of unprotected media one-night-stands you insist on participating in will only leave you worn-out with a hangover and and STI the next day. Hope is not lost for you, and this is why following the "Kanye Rejuvenation Plan" will save your life and career. You must stay out of jail- not everyone is P.Diddy. The Po-pos will happily throw your ass in jail and leave you there if you continue down the path you've been on. You must take time out for yourself (not your blog, your fluctuating crowd of fans, that chick from Victoria's Secret, or Fiddy), and really think about the future. Finding a good woman should be a top priority for you, as without one you act like a white 13-yr old girl from Kansas meeting the Jonas Brothers for the first time. Remember that meeting a good woman is like cooking a good meal: there are no shortcuts (thanks Whit)... And once you find that woman, you may also find the stability that is lacking from your life right now.

...A good woman, a good family, and a good career... That, Kanye, IS the Good Life.

(picture courtesy of AOL music)

VH1's Real Chance of Love: A Season of Classiness

2009-01-04T18:19:00.000-08:00

Allow me to start this post off with a quote from my aunt that perfectly reflects the feelings of all thinking women that watch this show: “I think I would be grateful to be sent home because both of them seem rather terrible.” Indeed Auntie Val, indeed.

For those of you who have not seen VH1’s latest “celebreality” dating show, go to your bathroom, look in the mirror, and slap yourself in the face. Where have you been? And why would you deprive yourself of the wretched glory that is the brothers Real and Chance picking through tramp after tramp in the hopes of finding “love”? Well, you are fortunate that I will take pity on you and introduce you to the wonder that is Real and Chance.

So unless you’ve been underground for the past 2 years or have not read a single post of mine ever, you have heard of that fabulous Head Bitch in Charge, New York and her delightful reality show antics. Real and Chance aka the Stallionaires were contestants on I Love New York 1. Chance (pictured on the left), the rowdier of the two brothers, is virtually indescribable, but I will try. Imagine Dj Jazzy Jeff, James Brown, and Sammy Davis Jr. had a baby, and that baby was bi-polar and constantly angry- that might come close to what Chance is like. He wears bedazzled denim, bandanas, leather jackets, and has a slight s-curl, like a jerry curl, but short and not as greasy. His brother, fellow Stallionaire, Real, is almost his complete opposite. Real (pictured on the right) has long, Cher-like hair that is often curled, ringlet style at the ends. It is shiny and a little sassy. It has personality. It’s flirtatious. I feel like it should be the third Stallionaire. Real himself is very smooth, a little more mature and “sophisticated” than Chance, certainly more settled into a normal human identity and not that of a wild pony. He is fond of cowboy gear and wears leather boots and large belt buckles. He is the Frank Sinatra to Chance’s Sammy Davis Jr., but shorter and with an added healthy dose of pimp/thug.

Now on to the show!!

The show takes place in a random mansion in Los Angeles that is decked out as a dude ranch. And what awaits inside? Why 17 freshly plucked hoes, of course! VH1 pulled out all the stop for Real and Chance and scoured the valley for quite possibly the best set of celebreality dating show contestants ever (although Angelique is a tough act to follow).

**Spoiler Alert** Even though the season finale is next week, if you still have episodes to watch or want to catch up online, stop reading at this point because I will reveal the elimination of each contestant.**Spoiler Alert**

SO HOOD: Oh dear. What to say about So Hood. Picture every black female “___ of Love” cast member and splice her with Halle Berry’s crackhead character from Jungle Fever and you might come close to the level of crazy/ghetto/overly sexual that So Hood has reached. She declared herself a Chance girl from the start, giving him a lap dance during the meet and greet in the premiere. Of course her attention seeking whorishness bemused Chance in the beginning, but after chasing him through the house and prancing around in a bikini during a fishing trip, she proved to be even too tacky for Chance.

CORN FED: One of the more sincere girls on the show, Corn Fed is an innocent, googly-eyed girl from South Dakota with a hankerin’ for Real’s dark meat. She won him over right away with her sunshine personality and infectious optimism and has managed to survive through the final eliminations. I have some serious doubts about their long-term relationship capabilities, but I’m sure their kids would be cute.

CALI: Cali plays the role of Asian temptress to a T and dangles her assets in front of Chance like ripe apple. Normally that would work out perfectly for Chance, but he claims to be looking for “wifey” material, which apparently does not include the lingere back massages and hot tub cuddle sessions that Cali has so far offered. Cali claims it’s a deeper connection and says so over and over, maybe to convince herself as well. Chance was convinced enough to let her stay and battle it out with Risky in the finale.

HARMONY: Stank breath girl with a personality to match. Neither brother bit and she was canned the first episode.

ISHA: Bug eyed girl who straddled the line between conventionally ghetto and snoozily ghetto. She also looked like her va jay jay might smell/be yeast filled based on the tight gold short shorts she was sporting. She didn’t make it past the first ep.

KI KI: Unmistakably, irrevocably, undeniably, blamelessly ghetto and confrontational. Real was intrigued with her “personality” at first, but her outbursts and lack of control got her eliminated before she had chance to commit a felony.

KO: Seemed like a normal girl at first. Maybe a little to normal to be on VH1. But her interactions with the other girls in the house showed her true colors and she proved to be an unstable lesbian in waiting. Real was nevertheless fascinated with her and kept her until the final five when she lost out to the stronger relationships he built with Bay Bay Bay, Corn Fed, and Milf.

LUSTY: Anyone who has seen “A Thin Line Between Love and Hate” will understand what I mean when I say Lusty is a real Lynn Whitfield. HELLA UNSTABLE. WOULD PROBABLY COMMIT MURDER FOR/MURDER HER OWN MAN FOR THE FUN OF IT. She gave Real the creepiest back massage/whispering of a lifetime. Naturally, he eliminated her before she had a chance to perform some kind of voodoo on him.

MEATBALL: A Chance girl from the start, she seemed devoted and interesting enough for him, peaking his sexual interest from the beginning. The fire cooled pretty quick though as Chance discovered his spicy meatball was really a boring chicken nugget. She just couldn’t keep up with the other girls and was eliminated midway through the season.

PROMO: Promo is one of those girls you see in a Hooter’s or at Sharkey’s or at one of those trendy nightclubs that have “classy” dancers. Right up Real and Chance’s alley. Promo said she originally came on the show for Real, but when he didn’t pick her in the first round draft, she thought he didn’t want her and clung to Chance instead. The brothers ended up fighting over her much to her satisfaction, but it worked against her in the end since neither brother was willing to choose for her and she didn’t have the brain cells to rub together and make the choice for herself. She was accused of being a flip flopper and kicked to the proverbial curb.

SEXY LEGS: Real was smitten with Sexy Legs from the first episode, but Chance set her up for elimination when he spread a rumor that she came onto him to get back at Real for trying to steal Promo. Real took his brother’s word and canned her. Really, it worked out in her favor. She was approximately 4 feet taller than Real and on a much higher level of “hotness”.

STALKER: Stalker certainly lived up to her name presenting Chance with a tribute clock in the premiere episode. Chance was naturally put off and eliminated her that night but not before she could thoroughly creep everyone out and threaten him with an “I know where you live” confessional.

BUBBLES: Bubbles is a jumble of contractions. She is simultaneously savvy, air-headed, sexual, innocent, ridiculous, and reasonable. Chance was attracted to her “bubbly” personality and her “Latin heat”. Bubbles was attracted to Chance’s impulsiveness. It was working out great until Bubbles revealed she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend. She told Chance she couldn’t fairly date him without feeling guilty and allowed herself to eliminated with dignity. She was also a refreshing breath of fresh air compared to the rest of the catty sluts that comprised the show.

BAY BAY BAY: I never would have guessed that the most interesting thing about Bay Bay Bay was the fact that she was from the San Francisco Bay area, but I’ve struggled to find anything else about her worth noting. She’s catty, bratty, and only slightly less “hood” than Chance’s girls. She’s clung to Real through the finale, insisting that their relationship is more than “just friends”, despite his numerous statements to the contrary. My theory is that Real feels she has a stable enough personality to eventually love but doesn’t have all the cheap sparkle he’s actually looking for. We’ll see where she lands when the chips fall in the finale.

RISKY: I’m not sure how risky received her nickname. It could be an allusion to her “risky” appearance, namely a ghetto booty with stripper clothes and an attitude to match. Risky made her intentions to be one of Chance’s girls known from the beginning and would often try to intimidate the other girls who she deemed fake or competition. She mellowed as her feelings for Chance developed and she felt her position was secure. Despite the near physically violent catfight she had with Milf, Chance kept her through to the finale. When has he ever been known to avoid a confrontation?

MILF: If you don’t know what Milf stands for, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog. Just google it nube. Senior Real Chance of Love contestant Milf has a seven-year-old son and enough baggage to fill Air Force One. Her white trash personality, cartwheeling antics, Sarah Jessica Parker old woman horseface, and Crazy Britney weave somehow managed to seduce both Real and Chance. It was Real who really took a liking to her though and kept her through several rounds of drama-filled eliminations. It was her claim that Risky polished Chance’s knob based on a misinterpretation of Real’s innuendo that did her in. Real couldn’t stand an untrustworthy blabber-mouth so she received the boot.

RABBIT: Named after Jessica Rabbit for her fierce curves and “classy” style, Rabbit was a dominating force amongst the women in the house. At one point she was taking favors from both Real and Chance, despite being originally one of Chance’s girls. Admittedly, she was a contender for the finale in my book, and compared to the other girls, she was the prettiest and most put together- in the way that a shrub is impressive when it’s next to tumbleweed. Her manipulative behavior and over confidence tripped her at the finish line after the date with Real and Chance’s parents. Maybe if she’s lucky she can be a Stallionette in one of their videos.

The Real Chance of Love finale airs Monday, January 12th on VH1 at 9pm PST.

On the Hotness of Jon Hamm After Reading GQ

2008-11-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

funnycookie1724: i want to wrap my virginity in tissue paper and mail it to jon

whitneybyoung: LMAO

whitneybyoung: i hate you so much

whitneybyoung: give him a virginity coupon

whitneybyoung: no one else should have it

funnycookie1724: really

whitneybyoung: that's a brilliant plan though

whitneybyoung: cause either way, if he takes it you win, if he doesn't he feels the guilt of making you stay a virgin for life

funnycookie1724: lol

funnycookie1724: LMAO

funnycookie1724: i cant even explain how malfunctioned my soul is righ now

whitneybyoung: it's like i feel like i don't even know what real men are

whitneybyoung: like, there's this whole piece that i've been missing

funnycookie1724: if i smoked, i'd light up a cigarette after that

funnycookie1724: @!!!!

whitneybyoung: cause i've been knee deep in frog my entire life

funnycookie1724: THANK you

funnycookie1724: i feel that this, plus the obamas

funnycookie1724: is too much

funnycookie1724: TOO MUCH

funnycookie1724: and JIM BOUGHT PAM A HOUSE?!?!?!

funnycookie1724: omg

funnycookie1724: i just looked at the cover

funnycookie1724: i just want to run my fingers thru his hair

funnycookie1724: mmmm

funnycookie1724: i definitely have a weakness for johns

funnycookie1724: wouldn't be surprised if i married one

funnycookie1724: altho

funnycookie1724: i would not marry-marry jh if that meant living together

funnycookie1724: i grabbed vanity fair

whitneybyoung: jon/john and james/jim

funnycookie1724: that was the other magazine

funnycookie1724: lmao

whitneybyoung: FAVORITE NAMES

funnycookie1724: LMAO

funnycookie1724: jh

funnycookie1724: jk

funnycookie1724: jm

funnycookie1724: jf

whitneybyoung: because they are man names

funnycookie1724: S.

funnycookie1724: I.

funnycookie1724: G.

funnycookie1724: H.

whitneybyoung: my very first male friend was named james

funnycookie1724: i dont even know where to go from here

whitneybyoung: my crush in h.s. was a jeff though

funnycookie1724: what do i do with my life

Hipster Rant

2008-11-21T19:50:00.000-08:00

NOTE: If you are a hipster, think you are a hipster, like hipsters, want to be a hipster, or are unsure of your hipster identity, you might want to stop reading now.

Wtf is the youth of America doing? Plastic neon sunglasses, skinny girl jeans, ratty old converses, American apparel sweatshirt, fug looking gnawed on shit from urban outfitters? Organic t-shirts?! Is this what you’re giving me America? Well you can just get that shit out of my face right goddamn now.

All that apathy and disconnectedness is just an ironic, paper thin mask for your actual uselessness and complete lack of passion for anything other than your pointless, selfish, and idiotic little lives. And if they do manage to conjure up enough thought to form an opinion, it’s slurred out in some judgmental diatribe about what is or is not. I would rather be born an AIDS baby in the most violent, dark part of Africa than be a hipster. I would rather chew rocks. I would rather watch Norbit everyday for the rest of my life. I would rather throw sand in my eye. I would rather brush my gums with a razor.

And I don’t know what they’re acting so damn afflicted/victimized about that they feel the need to remove all sense of emotion and purpose from their lives. Try living in a third world country. Try keeping a job in an economy with the financial pulse of an amoeba. Try calling a Black person the n-word to their face. That’s edgy! Try to stop living off your trust fund and interact with the rest of society. Try doing some push ups, putting on a long sleeved shirt and becoming a proper adult.

Get off the xanex, stop worshipping Steve Aoki, stop shopping only at Urban Outfitters talking about how "meta" you are.

The HILARITY BAILOUT!!!!!

2008-11-10T21:32:00.001-08:00

The people have spoken, and Whit and I suspended our campaigns to maintain our jobs to hold an emergency meeting to address the validity of the depression of our loyal readers (all 5 of you). We concluded a 700-word emergency hilarity bailout was needed to boost morale. We also concluded now that Obama is in the house: black is the new white and it's an exciting time to have an opinion and a sense of humor.

We thank you for hanging in there with us, and we're glad to be back...

Whit&Brit 2012!!

(Why? Because we had & used our passports before age 21, Whit can see Mexico AND China (if she strains really hard) from her house, and I can feel Canada nearby and hop over the pond to the UK. Done and done.)

- B&W

Whistle While You Work: AIM Convo Adventures with Brit and Whit

2008-11-10T21:18:00.000-08:00

This is not a blog entry for those of you who enjoy your job or feel guilty about stealing corporate time Throughout the day, Brit and I amuse ourselves and each other with a running stream of conscious-type interaction. We thought we might share a few choice interactions on days when the soul crushing reality of our stale ass jobs became too much to handle and we turned to pop culture/sugar/each other for answers.

Convo Sample #1: How to write great pop songs

britt: 1. theme of longing, lust, long and lust, lusty longing, or being in a club environment

2. promises of great feats to prove said longing/lust/lustylonging

3. repititous use of "baby," "love," "need," etc..

12:50 PM

Whitney: lol.... sex

let's not forget sex

or an allusion to sex

justin is the master of that:

"make you wanna say my name, girl" *wink

12:52 PM
britt: oh! lots of reference to gender: boy, girl, lady, man, shorty, etc.
also: words can not exceed 3 syllables each
also: mentions of modern communication methods: email, telephone, knocking on doors, etc...

acceptable instruments include the harp, piano, guitar & drums

12:58 PM
also: maracas
and electric/electronic keyboard. preferably made in the 80's

Convo Sample #2: T.G.I.F.... because I'm loopy from free ice cream at work...

4:18 PM

britt: k... i'm still laughing

This ice cream makes me feel like i've just had speed

4:27 PM

britt: omg

so.much.happinss.in.the.world.

4:28 PM

Whitney: ma'am

you need to check your endorphin level

4:29 PM

britt: no!

it's thursday

no work friday

payday friday

free food today

it was a fantastic day

4:30 PM

FAN-muthaf**kin-TASTIC day

4:32 PM

i definitely feel like michael afer he ate the overloaded pretzel and did his "improve the efficiency and accountability of this office" speech

4:33 PM

for emphasis:

(basketball games song) da-da-da-da-da- HEY!-dada-dada-dada-da...da-da-da-da-da- HEY!-dada-dada-dada-da...

4:34 PM

Whitney: =\

4:36 PM

britt: and now everyone is flocking to the ice cream

4:37 PM

Whitney: i don't like ice cream

i think cause i have senistive teeth

britt: ugh

LMAO:

do you dip your meat in wine?

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

4:38 PM

Whitney: sensitive, not soft...

i will slap you

E! Summer Reality Shows: Reasons to Read Books This Summer

2008-07-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

It’s mid-summer and bless the heavens, the onslaught of crappy television is nearly over- note: there will be a post reviewing Fall premieres with a brief recap of the previous season in the coming months. Be prepared. But even as the light of quality television rests on the horizon, the incessant E! “Entertainment” Television line up continues to blast our eyeballs with unmerited-fame mongering hussies and needless “insights” into b-list (on a good day) actresses’ daily shenanigans.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians: When I heard that Kim Kardashian was going to have her own reality show based on her family’s rich people bullshit and whatever sex scandal she was getting into/coming out of that week, my entire understanding of economic theory broke down. What demand was there or has there ever been for a show about Kim Kardashian? Even if one person (outside the Kardashian family) actually cared enough to waste an hour of their lives watching Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney (that’s seriously their names, my spell check is exploding with anger) pick out whoreish outfits and pretend to run a clothing store, the production costs would automatically surpass whatever profit could be made off this product of Satan. I really can’t tell what the worst part of this show is- watching Kim club hop with her drunken fug looking sisters, watching her mother fail at managing her daughter’s non-career and try to pull off forever 21-ish minidresses, or watching Bruce Jenner’s face fall apart on screen.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated: Again, economic theory breakdown. Absolutely no demand for this show. I have never once considered what Denise Richards did with her life, or thought about how she deals with being so white trashy, or wondered how she explained to her nephew why she decided to do Playboy, or what Charlie Sheen’s dick tasted like- strike that last one, I imagine it tastes like Las Vegas, strawberry tobacco, and the backs of hookers, but I digress. There is no plausible reason to watch this show, unless you enjoy watching heavily made up white women who used to be kind of hot stumble though raising children and coping with their moderate level of fame.

Living Lohan: The third member of this trifecta of idiotic television chronicles “mother of the year” Dina Lohan’s attempts to launch her other spawn, Ali “old man face” Lohan, into the innocence burning spotlight of Hollywood. Because one rehabbing vagina flashing officer I swear these aren’t my pants cokehead in the family isn’t enough. The saddest part of the whole show is watching the only sensible person in the entire family, Dina’s mother, Nana, try to advise her daughter and all but rot on camera. The second saddest part of this show is watching Dina attempt to Jean Benet Ramsey her daughter into recording studios and on talk shows while she drops Lindsey’s name into every conversation and sentence possible. I don’t understand how this woman can possibly complain about how the paparazzi have invaded her privacy and made school and social life for Ali unbearable with a straight face. With all her media whoring, there’s not much left for them to invade.

These summer reality shows confirm my deeply held beliefs that E! <3’s> terrorists.

We know it's been awhile, but we're glad you came...

2008-07-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

(Ten extra cupcake points for you if you can name that tune and the artist behind it...)

Apologies from both coasts from Whit and I for STARVING you lately. We shall return you to a regular diet of laughter and sass post haste.

Coming up after the jump:

- June/July KISS-OFF Windfall...

- Project Runway (c/o Austin Scarlett) sews its way back into our hearts...

- Fall Premieres (oh yeah: we're taking it there!)...

- Eargasms and Eyegasms for your audio and visual pleasure...

- And a geography lesson you will NEVER forget.

Think you can handle this? Stay tuned my pretties and find out...

B&W

(Post Script: SUBSCRIBE to our post: you'll need to for the upcoming glee we have in store for you...)

ANTM Part 4: Rome, If you want to...

2008-06-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

ANTM Part 4: Rome . If You Want To…

I do remember saying that Dominique would be lucky if she made it past ep. 5. I now feel as though I jinxed myself, because somehow her tranny trickery has gotten her all the way to the abroad episodes. Whatever my feelings are about Dominque, she knows how to bring the drama, which will be more than welcome in Rome.

The girls arrive in Rome and I can tell it’s gonna be an awesome ep when Anya falls out of the van and onto some Roman cobblestones in the first 3 minutes. Did she think gravity ceased to exist in Rome? It’s just Italy Anya, you know, the country that you sound like you’re really from. I was kind of hoping that smack on the pavement would turn her into Bobby Fisher or some sort of savant, but unfortunately it didn’t, just entertained me for a half a beat.

The Rome apartment is beautiful, like way better than these bitches deserves. I would have made them stay at a YMCA or the Roman equivalent of a HoJo, whichever was more gross.

Fatima’s bitchiness has infected her own immune system and she has some sort of cold/flu/plaque/ebola thing. Dominique and the other girls are fed up with her. Anya takes pity on Imanish and brings her some food. All that girl needed was some ricola and sudafed.

The girls tour the city on Segways (natch) to observe “typical Italian women’s style” who always look like mannequins brought to life with perfect hair walking around in $2,000 coats and dresses like they’re just everyday women. Their guide, some gay assistant to Gai Matiolo, notes that Italian style is about details, not skin. Cut to a woman wearing a silk top with a Costco size helping of cleavage bouncing down the street.

The girls arrive at Piazza di Spagna for a meet/greet with Gai Matiolo and receive Italian makeovers. Whitney is worried that none of the sample size 2 dresses will fit here. I too am concerned this is another fat girl sabotage set up.

Gai Matiolo appears and looks exactly like a visual representation of his named combined with every Italian male stereotype possible. Like, Danny DeVito, Robert DiNero, Sly Stallone, and Joe Pesci had a magical gay baby.

Fatima has a cold or some shit, coughs during the entire meet/greet. The girls model/runway walk his designs which look like they were all inspired by random episodes of the Love Boat, the Mod Squad, and Threes Company.

Dominique does her typical tranny stomp and Gai notes that “she doesn’t look fresh”. Oh Gai, if only you knew. This girl is staler than day old French fries. Whitney shakes it across the studio in a gray bell sleeved coat. Gai says she seems very American and has a “nice face. He might as well have told her she has a good personality for someone with such an overfed American ass. Lauren, once again, looks like an awkward wind up toy stumbling across the floor. Gai seems most impressed with Katerzyna and Anya.

Anya wins again and gets a custom Gai Matiolo dress. Even a horrible looking 70s red and orange plaid pimp coat and biker girl pvc pants couldn’t hold her back. Wonderful.

It’s time for the Covergirl commercial challenge. The girls have to deliver a full 20 seconds of Italian dialogue while trying to look pretty and breathe all at the same time.

Anya speaks Italian like a retarded dog.

Dominique looks whorish and is mumbling horribly. Pure soap opera.

Lauren is totally lost, but looks gorgeous. The Italian director notes that Lauren is a “fantastic model for photo shoots, too bad she really couldn’t do anything.” Too bad indeed.

Fatima can’t act for beans. She sounds like she’s either having an orgasm or taking a very large poo.

Whitney was far too beauty queen. She was doing a parody of a cover girl, which is fun, but inappropriate and mostly just bitchy.

Katerzyna delivers the lines the best, but is a little lifeless, probably because she’s dead inside.

Eliminations: Tyra manages to make Italian sound ghetto.

Whitney does these horrible gasps, and sighs. I was embarrassed for her. Of course tyra thought she did brilliantly, mainly because that’s what Tyra does in every commercial/television appearance she’s ever made.

As they replay the clips, I notice that the girls are rolling their eyes as they put the lipstick on at the beginning of the commercial. What is that shit about? Who really rolls their eyes around like a mental patient when they’re putting on lipstick? What are they kabuki girls?

Fatima gets called first. They thought her commercial was the best. Waaahh?

Whitney and Lauren are b2. Whitney gets saved and should thank her lucky stars.

ANTM 04.30.08

The girls are home from eliminations and Fatima is giving her opinion on everyone, like we really care. Once again- got one frickin compliment and now she’s actin like queen shit.

The next day the girls get fighting pose lessons. Fatima was confused. “Everytime you get one step he adds another step to it”, um yeah, when you fight someone, you move a lot, generally.

They’re all dressed like xena warrior princesses a la skid row for a super intense 5 shot photo shoot incorporating their new gladiator fight moves. Anya and Fatima have unfair advantages. They can each use their shoulder blades and clavicles as slicing weapons.

Whitney pulls off some pretty fierce poses and wins the challenge. She receives an Italian shopping spree and can either spend all the money on herself or bring along one of the other girls. She chooses to share the prize with Anya. I totally would have gone by myself. Fuck those bitches. Anya won 10,000 what’s a couple euros?

The girls are taken to a 600-year-old castle for a photo shoot where they will fuck up the images of renaissance women with modern interpretive classical portraits. Tyra pops into the makeup room and declares “mama’s in charge today” -As much as Tyra can be in charge of another adult- and will be taking all the photos at the shoot.

All the girls have on these crazy Cruella de Ville wigs and horrible Gai Matiolo part II outfits. Tyra lets the girls know right away she is looking for total exaggeration and grand Italianess bleeding from their pores. Katerxynna is first up and she’s modeling like a dead fish while Tyra rolls around on the floor trying to get a good shot.

Tyra claims Dominique brought fierceness to the shoot and was a high fashion monster. I would substitute “fierceness” for “tranny-ness” and “high fashion” for “man-facced.”

Fatima is not phased by Dominique’s braginess and compliments from Tyra. She struts on set and poses like the fake Naomi/Iman that she is.

Whitney gets dressed up like an Italian whore and then Tyra is all, “less sex, more fashion.” Really Tyra?! I would like to see you try to look classy, high fashion in a clingy ass dress when you’ve got a ghetto girl booty and tits shoved up to your chin.

Anya shoots and is no better than usual. Boney/angled as ever.

Eliminations!: Fatima gets called first. Again, wahhh and I will add to that, eww.

Whitney and katarzynnna are b2. In a surprising use of judgment by the judges, Whitney stays! I’m perfectly happy with this. Noxema was weak like watery tea. Adios.

Next post: Finale!!!

May Kiss-Off!!!

2008-05-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

For May we give a BIG Kiss-Off to:

1. Sex and the City Movie Promos: OMG GET OUT OF MY OCULAR RANGE CARRIE BRADSHAW!! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!

It's been four long years since our favorite cosmo-drinking gal group jimmy-chooed off the small screen and out of our lives. And while we're glad Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda are back- we can't help but feel claustrophobic with all the specials, commercials, billboards, and 15 yr-olds from Peoria, Ill, taking over NYC! Stop it, Sex! Stop it!

2. American Idol: David Apple, David Archuleta, David Bake, David Cook, and David Duchovneyapplebottomsmith...

Thank Holy ClarksonStuddardUnderwoodAiken! The end of May signals a much-deserved kiss-off to the poptarty juggernaut, American Idol. Too many damn Davids in the 18-49 male demographic! David Archuleta looks like a monchichi and is probably beaten nightly by his mormon father. At least the upcoming AI tour will bring back the rest of the Top 10 to protect him. And David Cook? well, Whit over here has generously volunteered to be his nightly full-body hug machine. She also offers up some heavy petting and making out for you, DC- for free 99. Call her at 1800-w&d-4eva, you know, for those long nights out on the road.

You know, people complain about the fact that some 40 million people voted for AI, while only Rush Limbaugh and the AARP voted for president. But with complex issues ranging from scary stage dads, to the inundation of product placement from Coca Cola and Ford- we have every right to tune in to AI. Or we will once again in 2009.

3. The Democratic Presidential Nominee Race:

So everyone thought that we would end up with a nominee this month for sure. Nope, syke. While McCain's out chillaxin' in the Hamptons gearing up to outline his policy on rhythmic gymnastics, Obama and Hillary are still going at it. Or, rather, Hillary is still going at it. For all the negative things that can be said about the former First Lady, you have to admit she's persistent about this sticking this thing out. She's clinging to this race like a pre-shrunken too-small tank top on Pamela Anderson during a wet t-shirt contest.

4. Texas Polygamists Baby Mamas:

This month, the 3rd Court of Appeals in Texas ruled authorities had no right to seize over 400 non-bebe's kids from the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You know, just because a fundamentalist group practices polygamy outlawed over a century ago by both church and state; and just because some of the mothers *may* have been detained as child brides- doesn't automatically mean that their 400 offspring are in danger. Jeez, Texas, Jeez. CSI: Applachia: 1. Texas Dept. of Family Protective Care: 0

5. Queer Eye for the Married Gals & Guys:

The gays got a big leg up this month with the recognition of gay marriage in California. Not content to be too far behind the Golden State, the New York Times reports today that NY is slowly heading in the same direction. Now Tom Cruise can end this sham he has going with Katie Holmes and marry Matt Lauer! What’s that? Matt Lauer’s not gay? Too bad Tom.

(photo: huffingtonpost.com)

EYEGASM, part deux!!!

2008-05-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

**WARNING! Sit down. Turn off everything else around you. Turn UP the sound on your computer. And prepare to be hypnotized. Note that the following is probably NSFW, but it is definitely worth the risk.**

Meet RhiannanNichole. She is our new best friend. She's the love child of Stretch Armstrong, Brunette Barbie, and Carmen Electra. She's also your new exercise instructor. Take a minute to clear your calendar for 20 minutes because she's about to hit you up with some KNOWLEDGE. For reals.

Accept that you will watch this over and over again, as there's so much to process in this video that it can't be done in one viewing. It's okay, we understand. We've been there.

Pole dancing is the new bitch. Which was the new black. Which is what we are. Comes full circle...

Classes start June 1st. Location: TBD.

B&W

ANTM Breakout Post

2008-05-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

Omg, Whitney won ANTM Cycle 10.

I am trying so hard to repress my gut feeling that this all some sort of crazy Tyra mindgame, but I'm truly jazzed. Full post to come...

ANTM Part 3: Planes, Trannies, and Broke Down Bitches

2008-05-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

I know y’all have been wantin’ some Top Model love for a while, so I thought I’d sneak a post in before the big finale next week. So let’s not waste any time.

ANTM 04.02: When Go-Sees Attack!

Before the shoot and go-see challenge, we see shots of the house and it’s clear now why the landlord took Tyra to court over the loft damage. Those bitches were nasty. Lauren is not feeling the love and rages around the kitchen like she’s been possessed by Marvita. Yet another demonstration of her inability to socially interact like a normal human being.

The girls are broken into groups of 4 for go-sees: Claire, Dominique, Stacy Ann and Whitney (team bitchy mcnasty) versus Lauren, Fatima, Katarzyna, and Anya (team clueless). Team Bitchy McNasty arrives at Pamela Rolland and immediately we can taste Whitney’s fear. She’s going to get told that she has a pretty face, but she’s not the right size for their designs. She isn’t proven wrong. Stacy ann is starting to grow on me. She’s very positive and quite adorable and in a room full of bitches, she’s a breath of fresh air. Claire is being totally obnoxious while she’s talking to the designers and being her fake retarded version of what she thinks is charming. Dominique is Dominique. She loves her own stank a lot. If her head was any farther up her ass it burst through the base of her neck.

Team clueless falls flat. Anya is a shade above interesting and Katarzyna has a beautiful face, but doesn’t really know what to do with it, other than porn-ily lift an eyebrow. Lauren is about as lively as a stroke victim and walks like one too. Anya looks like she’s from Venus.

Team Bitchy McNasty wins the go-see challenge. Huzzah.

The photo shoot this week was tits. Water, color, and light?! Even if your face is fug, Mother Nature’s elements will take care of it for you. Who doesn’t look sexy when they’re wet? Oh wait, they’re lying on big plastic hammocks like squashed bugs in mid air? Nevermind.

Fatima is called first. Ew. Why? Wtf? She wasn’t that great at go-sees. Her walk still needs a lot of work. Like her legs are in the way of her walking or something. Maybe she should get her calves shaved down.

Claire and Lauren are B2. Claire is boring. Lauren is awkward and boring. I thought it would be Lauren on this one for sure, but low and behold, Claire is sent home. Ding dong the bitch is dead. I am not sad to see Claire go at all. And of course she doesn’t understand why she’s being sent home cause she’s a dumb bitch. Whatever. Over her. And she’s old.

04.09 Tyra does a recap show. Typical.

04.16 The One With the Plane

It’s getting close to travel time and Fatima suddenly remembers that she doesn’t have a passport or visa. Wtf is that shit. We’ve already established that you don’t own a razor, have you been unable to obtain a purse as well? Someone please escort her to a Target.

There’s some sort of challenge involving interviews, the girls, and Paulina, but I can’t tell what’s going on above my own snoring. The girls do some red carpet stuff/party in fugly Jay Godfrey dresses. This is basically a personality test.

Whitney is fake. Dominique is EXTRA fake. Stacy Ann is sweet, but ultimately plastic. Anya is happy to be alive. Katerzyna thinks she’s on the set of Sex and the City. Fatima is lost. Lauren is like an unfinished dress- potentially pretty and refined, but looks like a bundle of ripped raw silk.

Anya wins the challenge/$10,000.

Really?

Lauren chops a piece of her thumb off (potato 1, Lauren 0) right before tha photo shoot, which is being held at an airport hanger. Fatima can’t stay for the shoot because of her passport situation.

The shoot is like chaos with all the girls and luggage and scarves and bears, oh my!

Tyra keeps the episode moving and turns the drama up a notch by having judging right after the shoot with the girls still in hair, makeup, and clothes. Doesn’t even give them a chance to snack on ice cubes or vomit up a lean cuisine.

Anya is called first. Fuck, she already won 10 Gs. Fatima and Stacy Ann are B2. Fatima failed to produce a photo. Stacy Ann failed to produce a believable personality. Stacy Ann goes home. I feel like she was just getting her stride, but her face stopped being interesting too. Eh.

Next Post: Rome! If you want to.

April Kiss-Off

2008-05-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

Photo courtesy of abcnews.com

Every month the universe decides to take an astronomical dump on our daily lives and then waits until four weeks later to clean it up. To speed up the process, we have created monthly kiss-offs to bid farewell to things that really bugged us that month. Think of the monthly kiss-off as a stellar companion, if you will. At the end of the month we will say goodbye to the things that tried to catch us riding dirty (aka: that made us sad, for those unfamiliar with my unashamed usage of out-of-date pop cultural slang.) during the past 30-31 days. Feel free to add your "Kiss-Offs" of the month in the comment section!

For the month of April we give a big KISS-OFF to:

1. Inconsistent weather patterns:

In NY: April Showers, it's time you pack your bag. You don't have to go home but you gots to get the hell out of here! It's May now, Clouds. Release the sun from it's prison and let it come out and play with us. And bring us blooming flowers, which will bring us allergies. Thanks.

In CA: Random ass heat waves are meant for places we don't care to visit because we're Californian natives (See Florida, and other offensively hot places that aren't as wonderful as California). I know part of California’s mystique is it’s unpredictable but mostly enjoyable weather, but I would like to be able to plan an appropriate outfit and not die of heat stroke.

2. Summer Movie Trailers: Who honestly though that Iron Man was gonna make that much money? Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t even in the trailer (at least not noticeably)! Why do white people keep forgiving Robert Downey Jr.? I will grant you that he is charming, but talented? He basically plays the same snarky, smart ass that he does in every movie.

The Dark Knight trailer had me coming in my pants everytime I saw it and then everyone started talking about Heath and making crackhead theories about his death and it totally killed it for me (no pun intended).

Prince Caspian- HolyOlsenTwinsMotherOfZacEfron I want to see this movie. Could they possibly have smashed more special effects in just the trailer? I can’t imagine seeing it in an actual theater. Children across America must be having seizures from excitement and over stimulated retinal arteries.

3. Miley Cyrus’ Innocence: Personally, I'm rooting for the girl. The tween market created by the Olsen twins has needed the "Next Big Thing" ever since High School Musical went on indefinite summer recess. But let's face it, the paparazzi love "bad girls" almost as much as they love the inventor of the electronic watermark. What once seemed tame- or really, boring- is now front-page news. That spells bad news bears for Ms. Hannah Montana. Between making dance videos with friends (sparking rumors of a Miley-Madonna fued [insert rolling eyes here]), "topless photos" (aka: Miley flashed a little bare shoulder), and that Vanity Fair photo that seems to have people throwing up their tea & crumpets in protest: Miley has officially shed her media virginity. As far as the paparazzi are concerned, the timeline should now include a "shocking" or "raunchy" movie/photo/commercial/saying-written-by-Miley-in-a-bathroom-somewhere. Someone should give her a paparazzi condom because they are about to pounce on her like vultures on a steak platter abandoned in the desert.

4. Beyonce’s “MyManDoneMeWrong” Songs: Beyonce married Jay-Z this month (we think…) which means she no long has license to write or record songs about cheating men. Because while I’m sure there are some hoes out there who would sleep with Jay-Z solely for the body heat, I really don’t think anyone else is going to be tugging at his belt. He has the face of a moose monkey. And Beyonce would probably claw your eyes out.

5. April Fools: Texas Polygamists: The Texas polygamist trial is like something off of Law and Order: SVU, Law and Order Criminal Intent, Court TV, and CSI: Appalachia. 350 lawyers, 15 women, literally hundreds of children, teen wives, and more DNA tests than a Maury show. Biggest baby daddy drama ever. White slavery is so frickin awesome.

May Eyegasm Part 1

2008-05-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Whit and I pride our site on being your full-service station of amusement. This section is geared towards the optical pleasure you so desperate deserve. Check these sites out when you're sitting at work wishing you were, well, not sitting at work.

1. bestweekever.tv (our inspiration): Ever get nostalgic for something that happened 5 minutes ago? Ever wish you could swallow the day's pop culture discharge in only a few magic clicks? Best Week Ever does, and they have taken the time to blog about it for your entertainment. Not only are their posts witty and hilarious, they are often interactive and thought-provoking (not just an endless string of YouTube videos, crotch shots, and silly phrases written on celeb photos). The comments sections also provide reader interaction and blogger feedback. It's like talking to people, except fun.

2. overheardinnewyork.com: Finally, a site that solved that age-old problem of what to do when you're outside and hear something SO hilarious that makes you wish someone else heard it! This site is truly as magical as it sounds. Brought to you from the city the world tosses its citizens to on a daily basis, New York City. Bookmark it because you WILL get hooked.

May Eargasm Pt. 1

2008-05-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

Another addition to our SuPeRnOvA family, designed to distract you even more from the humdrum world of... whatever it was you were doing that made you want to pluck your eyelashes out before you discovered Whit and I.

If you find yourself wondering what life is like outside of KIIS FM and Z100, here's your chance to go exploring with us. Consider this your free musical world tour through various artists and albums that catch our attention. Or slap us across the face with their innate amazingness. Or make us swoon. Hell, sometimes we'll come across something that does all of the above. Either way, we promise you'll find something you like along the way.

So strap in and keep all arms and legs inside the confined space you currently occupy, because we are officially taking off! First stop on our journey through office, grad school, and bicoastal city life: Female singer/songwriters you need to become besties with...

Ingrid Michaelson, Girls and Boys: I’ve never been much of a fan of Indie pop. Before this year, if music didn’t get handed to me by the radio or my roomie from Nor Cal, I really didn’t reach my ear. But I’ve gotten to the point that I’m starting to refine my musical tastes and I don’t need to listen to trance to keep me awake while I’m studying or raunchy club music when I go out at night. And while I’m currently knee deep in John Mayer (due mostly to Brittany- who waved him under my nose like a freshly baked cupcake) I still find time to peer over the fence and ogle new music.

That being said, my latest discovery has dragged me out of a JM hangover and slapped some much needed happy in my step. Ingrid Michaelson kept me from slamming one of my co-workers’ head against my desk today. Ingrid has evened out my heartbeat, so even if I drink coffee, I am alert, but not over stimulated. And yet she’s still thoughtful and fresh. She also likes to hide little provocative and engaging nuggets in every song that might not even notice until the third or fourth listen. “Die Alone” is one of my favorite tracks. It has a dreamy swagger, with sassy, thought-out lyrics that keep it interesting but not too much of a whiney-girl rock song. “The Way I Am” is her big seller and as soon as you hear it you will recognize its bongo-like beat from every Old Navy commercial and melodramatic episode of Grey’s Anatomy that you’ve seen over the past year. However, it pains me to even isolate those tracks because the whole album is quite fantastic. Her range, from sweet to eager to pensive to romantic, comes out in every track and holds you prisoner until its neatly tied end. So take a shower, turn off the T-Pain, and have some grown folk’s time with Ingrid.

Meiko, Meiko: Meiko's voice goes down as smoothly as a hot cup of chicken soup on a cold day. She's Alanis Morissette's mellow and more approachable sister (a la "Jagged Little Pill") that you wished you knew. Born and raised in Roberta, Georgia, Meiko released her self-titled album to the glee of TV shows everywhere in 2007. In fact, if you're a Grey's Anatomy fan, you've probably had her song "Reasons to Love You" stuck in your head without even knowing who sang it. Well, now you do.

Now living in Los Angeles, California, this talented singer/songwriter continues her rise to stardom with the help of iTunes (she was an "Indie Spotlight" artist in the iTunes Store), and enamored fans like myself. Her album has already made it to #35 on iTunes Top 100 Albums- and that's without the help of a record label!

"Meiko," is a folk album that really is more contemporary than the labels we seek comfort in. It's the type of album that makes you want to hop in your car for a road trip- if only so you can play it over and over in hopes of capturing its laid-back essence as the wind blows through your hair. Meiko's ear for simplicity is at its best on the tracks entitled "Sleep," a song about needing a distraction from... well, her na'er do well human distraction, and "Hawaii," a song that leaves you torn between missing someone oblivious to your presence and a tiny state you didn't know you cared about. Another highlight includes "Reasons to Love You," both for its catchy line ("I WaAaNnNnt YoOoOoUu"- try and get it out of your head after hearing it: I double dare you) and for its preschool love affair with the violin in the opening.

Show your ears some PG-13 lovin' and purchase Meiko's self-titled album off iTunes. It's the best $6 you'll spend this month, aside from that tank of gas you splurge on for the matching road trip.

CINCO DE MAYO of MINDBLOWING MAGIC

2008-05-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Loyal Readers,

To make up for depriving you of our hilarity and ridiculousnessousity, Whit and I would like to issue a Code Midnight warning to you:

Prepare yourself for our Cinco de Mayo Posting of MINDBLOWING MAGIC!!!!!!

You will laugh. You will cry. You will wonder how whatever deity or universal theory you subscribe to could possibly have created two such wonderful individuals as Whit and I. You will fall so madly in love with our blog (again), that you will have our babies and name them after planets and fruits and other inanimate objects (see Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Rebel, Rogue, Jermajesty, and God'iss for inspiration).

Posts to include: Rock of Love 2 Finale, ANTP, April Kiss-Off, and maybe more, if you play your cards right *winkwink*...

Y'all have been warned. Buckle up because we're gonna blow your mind...

Feliz Cinco de Mayo, breezies,

B&W

Rock of Love 2: Exes through Family Visits

2008-04-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

After much shit talking and bottle throwing, Kristy Joe is finally kicked off. I guess Bret realized that even though Kristy Joe was hot, she was not worth getting stabbed by one of her stalker ex-boyfriends/husbands/one-night stands/gas station attendants. Of course with Kristy Joe’s absence a large drama hole is left unfilled, but Bret, ever the hole-filler, decides to invite family members/exes to the house (seeing how well that went last season- cut to Heather screaming at Lacey about her supposed fellatio sessions with Bret and Lacey's dad awkwardly confronting Bret about polishing his knob *cringe*).

So, the Exes:
-Destiney’s Ex-Husband: Snore. He looks like every mechanic from Jersey.
-Ambre’s Best Friend: Lucky whore got a cop out with her best guy friend. Like he’s really gonna say anything bad about her.
-Jessica’s Ex-BF: meat head, looks kinda like Megan’s ex-bf. Like maybe they played football together at San Diego State.
-Daisy’s Ex-BF: Looks like the love child of Trent Reznor and Dave Navarro but with Down’ s syndrome.

Bret takes the guys for and brandy and cigars. Bret, you’ve gone these whole past two seasons without being a gentleman. Why would you start now? And with brandy and cigars for Haley Joel Osment’s sake?

Heather from Season 1 comes back and all hell breaks loose. Shirts off, drinks down within the first 25 seconds. Heather gets dirt on the girls which isn’t very hard since most of them are pretty transparent and by this point under the influence of truth serum.

Daisy starts crying like a psycho. Apparently she’s been living with her ex in a one-bedroom apartment for the past 3 years. Keep that bitch happy. Cause if you think she looks bad when she’s not crying… eeyesh. She already has melted tranny clown face, tears and pain face are not helping.

Heather calms Daisy down and takes a pee break, classy dame that she is. She is really pissed (no pun intended) about the Daisy situation and is ready to have Bret ax her.

So it turns out sitting around with the ex-boyfriends of a bunch of girls you are now dating is really frickin’ awkward. Excellent planning Bret. Jessica’s bf is a pussy, almost breaks down and cries over her. Destiney is a starfucker/groupie, natch, revealing nothing we didn’t already know. Daisy’s ex-bf is obviously still jonesing for her. God knows why. She has the face and hair extensions of some sort of elf Barbie that was left out in the sun and then given lip injections.

Mixer back at the house. Bret confronts Daisy about her living situation and she totally denies any romantic feelings for her ex. Even though she looked really uncomfortable when he showed up. And she cried about him to Heather. And she still lives with him. In a single bedroom apartment. Right.

Elimination ceremony is barely dramatic. Megan goes home cause she’s a fake bitch and has nothing to offer Bret except boobs, which, as I’ve previously stated, does not come with the requisite vagina of gold to hold his interest. Megan stands there shaking her head like a mental patient for 45 minutes awkwardly before Bret has to WALK HER ASS OUT of the mansion. How embarrassing and sad.

VEGAS BABY!!!

Bret takes the girls to Vegas and I am so stoked. Vegas brings out people’s true natures. If you’re bitchy, cheap, whorish, needy, selfish, a drama queen, an alcoholic, addicted to gambling/sex/partying, or any combination of the above, Vegas will magnify that blemish to its full glory despite makeup and boobs, which women so skillfully utilize in an attmept to cover up said disorders. Vegas is the world’s greatest character gauge and equalizer. Bret has made an excellent choice. PLUS HEATHER’S COMING! What could go wrong?

The girls go on dates with Bret. Nothing remarkable, just the same old making out and rehashing of each other’s vapidity and uselessness. Heather comes to the breaking point with Daisy and decides to make the other girls turn against her. Seeing as how Daisy has become the closest to Bret and is the dumbest/sluttiest out of all of them, this is accomplished quite easily.

Also, because Daisy doesn’t know how to argue (due to the fact that she has the IQ of a baby seahorse) the girls chew her out pretty good. Not only for acting like a snotty, stankin’ ass heifer as the girls are coming back from their dates, but also because she claims the other girls don’t stand a chance against her, and OH YEAH, SHE'S STILL LIVING WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND. Daisy starts crying and screams about the girls ganging up on her. Ambre brings up the valid point that all the time Bret spends on Daisy’s issues takes away from her time with him. Daisy says she’s sorry that Ambre just isn’t interesting. Ambre slams Daisy’s head against the wall.

Sorry, that was my version. Ambre doesn’t slam Daisy’s head against the wall, but she does swear at her a lot (surprising for Ambre and probably the equivalent of slamming her head against the wall) until it’s time for the group date! Jessica is (not surprisingly) tired of all the drama and says that she does not do crazy well. They’ve shown her a lot this episode, which means that she’s going home. Dead reality-show-giveaway.

Destiney looses her temper during the group date over Daisy’s ex-bf situation and throws her drink off the table. Bret does not like this but is probably certainly turned on. The date is canceled and Heather pow wows with Bret. Heather leaves the next morning, making the recommendation that either Daisy or Jessica be kicked off.

Daisy has a one-on-one with Bret and reveals that she used to be friends with Bret’s band mate, CC Deville. Is there anyone she hasn’t slept with?

Eliminations come and, surprise, surprise, Jessica is kicked off.

Family Affair

Time to bring the relatives to the house and drama is a-brewin’. Ambre’s dad is exactly what you would expect- old, Southern, and a little too attached to his daughter. Destiney’s parents are weird, to put it mildly. Her dad has lung/brain cancer and a wicked tattoo around his balding head. Her mother looks like she’s done an unnatural amount of meth in her life. Someone needs to introduce her to a hair brush and some Maybelline STAT. I mean, I know your husband has cancer, but seriously, you're on TV. Daisy doesn’t have a family. They’re all too annoyed with her. So her ex-boyfriend’s aunt comes. Really Daisy? There was no one else? Great way to fight off that whole, I don’t-have-romantic-feelings-for-my-ex-boyfriend thing.

Bret has a series of dates/BBQs/torture sessions with the family members and Ambre’s dad reveals that she’s 37, not 31. Opps. Ambre is extremely apologetic, but as far as I’m concerned, she has nothing to apologize for. Personally, I refuse to age after I turn 24, until I turn 65, at which point I will be 30. At least she stayed within the same decade. And Bret is ancient, so fuck him for being ageist.

Destiney gets the Rock of Love 2 logo tattooed on her neck, so naturally, Bret eliminates her for being a groupie slut. And now it’s down to Daisy and Ambre.

Sexy or smartish? Sexy or classy-ish? Sexy or stable-sih? How will he choose?

Urban Outfitters: Fugly Ass Clothes

2008-04-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

On the list of things white people like, Urban Outfitters has to be number 5, at least; right between coffee and talking about the homeless. It brings edgier fashions to the doorsteps of hipsters and jaded college students alike and dwells in cities that think they’re cooler than they actually are across America. These days it seems like you can’t go more than a few blocks in LA without seeing one, a group of crusty looking shaggy heads in horrible floral prints and converses dwelling around the entrance. I don’t really take issue with the high population of UOs- if I can deal with Starbucks opening a store on my face, I can deal with a surplus of clothing stores.

What I cannot stand by and watch is the fuglification of young people and the encouragement of ugly fashion. Forever 21 has done enough damage on its own with poorly designed/executed club clothes made by Chinese slaves and sold at exorbitant prices (considering it costs about 2 cents to make any one item and will last for about a single wear). Forever 21 also use wooden hangers that are allergic to clothes in their stores. I swear every time I walk in there are more clothes on the floor than on the racks. And the b-rate models they hire to work there are dumber than soup sandwiches. Nevertheless, UO has surpassed Forever 21 to achieve the title of worst place to shop ever.

What really perturbs me about UO is that it pretends to be cool, urban, hip, and underground, when we all know full well that anyone who actually is cool, urban, and underground cannot afford to shop there and really wouldn’t give a crap about their t-shirt being 100% organic cotton.

What also angers and upsets me is the fact that they really design for 13 year old girls, but they try to hoc that shit to young adults. Don’t tell me that I can pull off a polyester minidress when I know full well that I can’t. And don’t encourage others to do the same.

This delightful little number, entitled “Summertime Blue Playsuit” sells for $68.00. It features d-rings on the breast pockets (to highlight your nipples) and side snaps on the hem of the “short.” What I don’t understand is why UO would think anyone would feel compelled to wear a rayon onesie in public. Here are words that should never enter one’s fashion vocabulary: onesie, jumper, romper, playsuit, or bodysuit. These are no-no words.

And for a mere $299 (that’s on sale mind you), you can purchase this Victorian inspired dress and be a hit at all your friends’ funerals.

Because I’m sure they would rather die than be seen in public with you wearing this historically bad piece of fug.

Look UO, I know you probably think that Cloe Sevigny and the Olsen Twins are cutting edge fashion icons, but I have to be seen in public and respected as a human being. I would also like to have some respect and not cry myself to sleep at night because I paid $70 for a flimsy ass cotton cami that's gonna last through a single wear. Fashion designers like YSL and Chanel and Valentino charge a lot for their goods not only because of their reputation, but also because they produce quality wardrobe pieces that will last. They're both trendy and classic and you know not everyone is wearing them. UO on the other hand has no reputation, is cheap, will go out of style, and will make you look like hipster boho clown. Unacceptable.

America's Next Top Model Pt. 2 The Saga Continues...

2008-03-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

***This is a SuPeRnOvA post. If you are not prepared for extreme greatness, you should stop reading this post right now. Thank you.***

ANTM has turned into the Dominique Show. She’s like, allergic to any sound that is not her voice. Bitch sure can run her mouth. If Dominique had the mental savvy to get a bachelor’s degree, she would have to major in herself, because there’s no room left in her wee tiny brain for actual knowledge. I really miss her trying to sell herself as a champion of battered women everywhere. That Dominique was annoying, but slightly more charming. At least she allowed me the illusion that she actually stood for something other than looking “high fashion” (If you consider the 1980 Spring Blair Women’s Wear Catalog high fashion).

Now all Dominique does is talk about herself and fight with the other girls over her inconsiderate behavior. Towards the end of a screaming match with Claire she says, “You look like you’re 30 and you act like you’re 12.” Really Dominique? Cause you look about 40 and act like you’re a fetus. Everyone is already over you and your not so cute face. And even though they gave you a dye job, that cut is still horrible and it’s obvious you still don’t know what to do with it. A ponytail clip at eliminations? Really?!

Benny Ninja appears in a gay cloud of modeling magic and does pose tutorials. Why they treat modeling like a class at Devry is beyond me. It is not that hard to pose people. Move your body around towards the camera/light. It’s not long division.

AND NOW IT’S POSE OFF TIME. This is so Zoolander. Lauren trying to “work it” is like a stripper trying to dance with scoliosis and a bad hip. Whitney is just doing a gay man in a club pastiche. Marvita says that best thing ever during confessionals- “Dominique is kind of like a drag queen.” Word.

Claire wins the pose off. Really? Fat girl did the splits. That gets difficulty points at least. The girls head back to the loft and the LED/ticker thing is still extremely annoying.

Iman-light/Fatima is feeling self-conscious and pissed off because she’s obviously not a natural model. She thinks because she has to work at it, that she’s better than everyone else. Strike that, she just thinks she’s better than everyone else. Being a model is more than proper body type. I’m tall, black, and broad shouldered, but you don’t see me on America’s Next Top WNBA star now do you?

The photo shoot theme is “candy colored jizz on your face.” How creative. Jay Manuel gets increasingly retarded every season. Creative director my ass. It’s not like he really inspires these girls or helps them model. He just stands there behind the monitor and shouts “good” or “give me more.” And he’s super douchey, tryin' to act like he knows what’s in good taste. Last time I checked silver hair dye was out with Sisqo. Check the expiration date sweetie. Where does one even purchase silver hair dye? Cirque du Soliel gift shops?

It’s finally eliminations and Tyra looks totally crossed eyed with that bang/eye makeup combination. Are there no mirrors in her dressing room. I find it really hard to believe that a woman who can’t stop talking about herself can’t find an honest mirror.

Fatima gets her crappy arm over the head shot evaluated and they close up on her armpit where there is a clear happy trail of fuzz. You’re not in Somalia anymore. This is 2008. There’s no excuse for that shit. You can get a razor at any Rite Aid, convenience store, grocery store, liquor store, or Target across the nation. You don’t even have to try to find one.

Gangly, awkward girl Lauren is doing better this week. Guess she thought she was way more normal than the freaks living in the house.

Whitney is losing confidence. I can see it now. They’re gonna do something nude and she will fall apart. STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING FAT! Thin/hungry bitches need to take a knee this year anyway.

Stacy Ann is called first? Freals? I guess she sucked the least this week, but that does not make her good at all.

Marvita goes home cause her pic is stiff and orphanish. Um hello, she’s stiff and orphanish. What did you expect?

ANTM 3/26/08

And it’s the Dominique show part 2: now featuring Lauren and Claire!!

Really, at this point they’re all acting like assholes. It’s not even a fun fight with a clear hero and villain. In other seasons the bitchy girls were so extraordinarily, unbelievably evil. To note- Jade, Ebony, Camille, Eva, Melrose, Elyse, etc. And the good girls were good! Stupid, but good! Now you can’t even tell. It’s disgusting. Tyra should be ashamed.

Tyra is the worst actress in the world. It just needed to be said.

Anya won the challenge, whatever it was, I’m not really sure. All I saw was a blur of nude bodysuits and Tyra making "pain faces."

This photo shoot is rock star/music themed which is pretty damn easy. I mean, even if you don’t listen to music everyday like I do, you know what a punk rocker looks like, you know what a country singer looks like. It’s like a wood block puzzle. Although some of these girls may consider that a challenge.

Katerzynnnanaa is so Myspace. All she tries to do is work angles. Her shoot reminds me of all those emo boys with the fuckin bangs in their faces. Gross. I guess it’s not ironic that she was playing an emo rocker.

Whitney apparently “brings it” in her shoot. I guess I missed that.

Paulina’s weave is the size of the judge’s table. Is she morphing into Tyra? Did she take the Tyra hair pill, which as Brit put it, makes hair look like a “fucked up version of an endangered condors nest after a hurricane”? Brit also notes that Tyra needs to learn when to say no. Would it be cute if I piled 14 pounds of blond horse weave on my head? No, it probably wouldn’t. It’s really that simple.

Amiee receives the most criticism at panel. She did have the easiest genre- R&B. If you’ve seen even one Grammy award singer, you should know what an R&B singer looks like. She was standing around like a rigor mortised corpse on set so it’s not surprising that her pic is mediocre. I know you’re white, but goddamn. At least bend your knees. Jesus.

Who are these people voting for Claire as “Covergirl of the Week” every week? Wtf is that shit? And could Saliesha be anymore pointless? Thank god for Tivo.

Claire and Amiee are in the bottom two. Tyra dramatically flips over Claire’s horrible K-mart generic country singer album cover picture and Claire jumps up and claps her hands like a mental patient, excited that she’s still there. Might as well stomp on Amiee’s neck. She doesn’t even care that she’s b2. Most people are humbled by the experience of being told you suck the second most, not think of it as an opportunity to jump up and down as some poor girls dream gets crushed no matter how forgettable her face is. Yeah, I officially can’t stand her ass. Hope she’s out by next week so she can go home to her damn baby, which I’m sure looks like a Monchichi.

Posts of Christmas Future: Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, and Why I Hate Urban Outfitters: The Crumbling of Fashion and Proper American Style

A List of Demands

2008-03-31T20:33:00.000-07:00

**If you do NOT want to know what an young, educated black woman thinks of a certain black TV host- DO NOT READ FURTHER. I'm tired, March has beaten me up like a nerdy kid with extra lunch money on the playground, and someone needs to take this energy away from me. You have indeed been warned.**

Dear Tyra:

I'm writing to you because I care.

I care about the fact that on your way to becoming "the next Oprah," you took a sharp left turn down "crazy black girl" lane and wound up lost in what can only be called "Tyraland." I hope this post motivates you to pull it together.

Here are my list of demands in a (quasi) particular order:

1. Your unnecessary antics must ceast and desist.

a) Wow, Tyra. You mean to tell me that you had Hillary Clinton, the first potential woman president on your show, and she congratulated you on your exemplary, professional behavior during the interview? That's quite the compliment! ... Oh, wait. No, my bad. You had Hillary Clinton, presidential candidate, on your show and you managed to embarrass every black girl/woman/fetus in America with hopes of one day becoming any sort of media figure with some substance! Really?! Do you know that journalists everywhere would have throttled a bunny in front of preschoolers for the chance to interview Hillary? And there you were: armed with once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to interview her on your own show, and the BEST you could do was act like a rich A.D.D. child trapped in a Toys-R-Us?!! Really?

...Don't get me wrong: while I admire your ability to break away from the "norm" of traditional reporter questioning, I must point out one small thing. There isn't an I.T.T. Tech-equivalent of journalism school that would ever attempt to validate asking Hillary whether she knows how to text message her daughter! But you don't stop there, Tyra. Oh no, you're a witty one. In asking Hillary whether she'd rather be a contestant on American Idol or ANTM- you managed to kill two birds with one stone. You not only showed America how hip you were to the has-been ratings juggernaut that was American Idol (see Sanjaya, the baby tramp that cried for Sanjaya, or Justin Guarini if you even THINK about trying to start with me), you also managed to squeeze in a plug for another one of your shows. Bravo, Tyra. Bravo. That was *almost* as effective an ad as when Gorbachev hawked Pizza Hut in the early 90's.

2. What you think is relevant in your everyday world, is in fact NOT relevant to anyone outside of your house. (That includes the people around you who have bills to pay and therefore remained tight-lipped when you act like a damn fool.)

a) No one cares or cared that your breasts were real/fake/created by fairies from Neptune with the help of unicorns. You're black. Most of America is just shocked that you made it onto the cover of their monthly magazine. It would have taken a good ten more years for anyone to care about the internal makeup of your breasts, had you not decided to take the issue into your own hands... or, excuse me, the hands of some random doctor who could at least tell his kids that he got to feel up a former supermodel before she was committed to the looney-bin.

b) Also: the next time (assuming there is a next time) that you have Janet Jackson, natch- ANY celebrity, on your show: do not presume that the audience cares to know that said celebrity "calls you sometimes." [Whisper begins]: I don't know if anyone has told you this, but [whisper ends. LOUD ethnic voice begins]: YOU HAVE A f****** TV SHOW!!! I'd be surprised if someone didn't call you! The call matters not if the substance is missing. Hell, Domino's could call you all during the week and twice on Sunday- but you don't have to waste Ms. Jackson's time telling the world so. Lock that mess up and stop using tv airtime to validate your status as a V.I.P... That's UsWeekly's job (see "Stars are just like us" for further celebrity status clarification).

3. Everything else I can't stand about you right now when I see your face:

a) Nevermind the fact that your relevancy comes from an SI cover that you shared with another model. Or that for years your name was only mentioned in the same sentence as Naomi Campbell (remember her? yeah, she'd be the black supermodel who kept her day job. take notes.) because men everywhere secretly hoped for a televised mud-wrestling match between the two of you. Nevermind the fact that God only knows why you have the power of television and fiber optics capturing and displaying your image for all of syndication to see. What irks me more, is your blatant ability to turn EVERY single show into an episode about you!

How do you do it? It truly is a feat to see. I especially enjoy how you treat every guest like they're your sleepover buddies (thanks Whit) and they just "happen" to stop by to talk about their dysfunctions to the whole world that just "happens" to be there watching, and they just happen to breakdown on national t.v. and you just happen to go to a commercial break, and then just happen to end the show braiding each other's hair. You could teach Bill O'Reilly some new tricks, Tyra. For reals.

Rather than use your show to actually "help people" in the Miss America way you claim to, you take 43 minutes out of every day (that's the 60 minute block of programming minus commercials for the slower people) and turn it into a self-indulgent re-creation of the inner workings of your mind. Every day, you have an opportunity to present a positive image of women- black women/women of color/regular white women, (etc.) to a country already past the point of skeptical (or at least you did in the beginning). Rather than do that; rather than address some of the more critical social issues women face about their bodies; about their intelligence; about the realities of societal perceptions they receive based on their lifestyle choices; rather than address what happens when race meets gender: you insist on perpetuating the encouragement of women to be shallow, body-conscious, and trashy. I naively hoped that sort of talk show mentality would die out with Jerry Springer. I was wrong. I was also wrong to think that a black woman would know better than to make that the sole basis of her financial portfolio.

Thank you Tyra, for once again re-creating a new visual image of women for all of America to see. Please satisfy my list of demands, lest I be forced to make you a regular target of my campaign to "help people."

Sincerely,